My life has ended (be careful what you wish for part 2)

by nevaagain 20 Replies latest jw friends

  • nevaagain

    Noone and nothing can really prepare you for the burning pain you feel when your spouse leaves you after 8 years of marriage. From one day to another, all your dreams, hopes and plans are shattered.

    I still have so many questions which will remain unanswered in eternity.

    The thread I made a few weeks ago, is part of this story.

    After learning about TTATT my plans involved to wake up my wife as well and exit the truth. My wife was fighting against TTATT and warned me to not get too involved. I still spoke to my parents about TTATT occassionally and my wife was probably listening.

    Instead of waking up, my wife wanted us to become more active in the truth, she wanted us to become like the couples in our congregation who are pioneering together and seemed to be happy in the congregation. What she didn't understand was, to others we seemed to be the perfect happy couple.

    My plans originally were to wake her up and for us to fade together, move do a different part of the city, change congregations and continue to fade so we can still continue to associate to our parents. I really wanted a slow fade.

    I can not pinpoint the exact moment she woke up. We always had problems communicating to each other. While often I tried to talk to her about things, plans and feelings, not about TTATT but in general, she always kept to herself. All I know is, 6 months ago we had an amazing holiday where she still seemed to genuinely love me, just 6 months later, without a fight or anything, she left me.

    It was a point after our holiday where she started to keep more to herself than she did before. She started a personal hobby of hers where she spent most of her time. While at the beginning she still let me be part of her life and we still did things together, that changed later when we seemed to have separate lifes. When I came back from work she sometimes acknowledged me with a "hi" sometimes not. When things were still good with us, her usual behaviour would be that she would message me while I was still at work to ask me when I would be home because she missed me and she wanted to prepare a meal for us to eat together, later she would instead be dissapointed seeing me at home because that meant, that I wanted to hang out with her and she couldn't engange in her hobby. Also I would have to cook for myself if I wanted to eat something. At some point in this process she started developing an exit strategy. Exit strategy from the truth, exit strategy from her marriage that means me and from all the other people which love her but happen to be in the truth.

    In the last couple of weeks I saw that her whole personality changed. She became "worldly". She started to swear and she started to smoke. She had absolutely no respect for anyone or anything anymore and she acted rude against me and wanted to hurt me. Of course I wanted to talk to her and get an understanding of what is happaning and why I lost little girl that I still loved so much. She revealed that she was mad at me, because I woke her up. She lost the meaning to her life. She lost her earthly reward to live on a paradise earth and she lost the resurrection hope. All because I could not shut up to talk about TTATT. I was speechless, did I destroy our marriage because of my TTATT talk? I thought at this point that maybe I can still save my marriage, but all my actions had little to no effect. It was too late already, I didn't know it at that point, but she had already cheated on me and she already had made plans in secret to leave me.

    So couple of days ago, last Friday, when I came back from work she made the big reveal that weeks ago she cheated on me out of revenge because I destroyed her dreams and that now she needs to leave. She didn't give me an oppurtunity to forgive her. She just wanted to leave. Apparently she had already found a place to stay and a place to work in a different city. She told me that originally she wanted to leave me in two months in secret but her mother caught wind that her spirituality had weakened in an alarming rate and started calling the elders to help her. This had the opposite effect and just made her want to escape.

    She already sent a letter to the elders to disassociate herself from the watchtower and also mentioned that she was unfaithful. She also texted a few of our friends that she left me, which of course lead to them asking me what happaned.

    What an irony, isn't it? I thought with TTATT my wife and I can wake up together and escape. Instead, she woke up and made plans to escape without me. And now I am still left in the truth hurting without a plan to escape. I have people in the truth inviting me to their homes for a coffee and asking how they can help me no. I have a feeling that I lost a big gamble. I not only lost my life, my wife I also lost my way out of this religion. Now I can only count on my friends in the truth to cheer me up.

    In the end, I don't accept that I am responsible for all this. My wife was never really in the truth and always wanted to do worldy things. She mentioned to me a few times that she married too young and that she didn't live her singleness long enough. Also she started saying that we are not fit for each other never had and we shouldn't have had married. The funny thing is, that some 6 months ago she said the exact opposite.

    Smoking was always a weak point through all our marriage, she smoked for a little bit before we met (she was baptised) and stopped but it remained a weak point and a few years ago I had caught her again flirting with another guy on facebook. So she probably already thought back then about ending our marriage the one or the other way. TTATT was just a convient way to give me the blame.

    When I think back about my marriage, not all of the 8 years were happy years. We had many problems at the beginning and very often we were on the verge to give up. During our marriage, whenever I thought about us breaking up, I tried to think about the very next day. How I would feel. So a lot of times I was already preparing myself for the worst. But the last 3 years of our marriage, we seemed to finally have settled. We stopped having big fights we had finally grown into our marriage, finally I could say I am happily married. At one point we were even thinging about kids. Matter of fact, until 6 months ago we tried to become pregnant.

    I will probably get the blame that I am a coward for not leaving the truth alone when I woke up. I can say I am guilty for that point, but I am also guilty for loving my wife more than the truth or more than TTATT. I always wanted for us to do the things together and accomplish things together, finally I wanted to grow old with my wife one way or another.

  • KateWild


    I am so sorry about this. It's so painful to be rejected by the one you love. Healing takes time and for some it takes longer than others. I am divorced and it took four years for me to start dating again.

    Dating new people is fun, I even had a relationship for 6 months with someone. Meeting new people can help towards the healing when you're ready.

    Take care

    Kate xx

  • eyeuse2badub

    You are still being held captive by the jw way of thinking about marriage. "Marriage is forever, no matter what"--thinking! I had a similar experience 10 years into our marriage and we had 2 children at the time. We also married young--19 and 18.

    When a woman (or a man) develop romantic interests outside the marriage, there is not much one can do about it. It's not necessarily you, it's the situation. Being young and vital often leads to extra marital relationships. As I look back now, it was my ego that was damaged the most, thinking that I was such a stud. lol....

    Anyway, she came back (I also enjoyed a few flings myself during her absence) and we will be celebrating our 50th next year. You never know!

    just saying!


  • nevaagain

    @KateWild, thank you for your encouraging words appreciate it

    @eyeuse2badub, I am not saying I didn't fall in love with someone else during my marriage, but I quickly dismissed those thoughts and feelings and tried to work more in my marriage. I am not saying that "marriage is forever" but how can someone say 7,5 years into the marriage that "you are my perfect soul mate, I want to grow old with you" and half a year later, "we don't fit, we should have never married"?

    Also that "marriage is forever" thinking does not only apply to jws, I know many worldly people who have a high standard of marriage.

  • JWdaughter

    Marriage is meant as a lifelong bond. There is nothing weird about being thrown for a loop when it ends so abruptly.

    I'm sorry!

    She has given you an exit strategy, because you are stumbled. Just keep withdrawing.

    I'm sorry, again. I know you must feel shattered.

  • EdenOne

    It's an awful situation, but try to make the most of it.

    Exit the cult now and use the incident of your wife leaving you as your excuse. Make the change yourself. Your wife did it, so why can't you? Who knows... maybe after she experiences a bit of freedom from the cult and reenacts the youth that she has lost to it, she may reconsider and get back to you. You just never know. But the bigger issue it's YOUR cue to leave.


  • OneEyedJoe
    how can someone say 7,5 years into the marriage that "you are my perfect soul mate, I want to grow old with you" and half a year later, "we don't fit, we should have never married"?

    It'll take a while to come to terms with things, but people change. Particularly when they realize that the majority of their life decisions have been made based on bad assumptions (i.e. the cult is true). Your wife has been living under the thumb of an oppressive cult and is now free and is probably rethinking everything that she thought she knew. Unfortunately it seems she's come to the conclusion that your marriage was something that she realized she wasn't happy with too. That's hard to take, but it happens to the best of us sometimes.

    The key thing to focus on, I think, is that you now have a level of freedom to direct your own life that you've never had before. You're the boss, you control where your life goes from here. Take advantage of that and start doing the things you've been putting off for one reason or another. Start working to make your life look like you want it to look. It's painful to feel as though years of work have been wiped out, but starting from a clean slate can be liberating, too. Just because your marriage didn't last forever doesn't mean it was all bad or that it wasn't worthwhile. You had some happy times and you learned some things - the outcome doesn't invalidate that.

    Give yourself time to get over it, but don't accept excuses from yourself to wallow in misery longer than necessary. Keep making progress. Keep challenging negative thoughts - for example when you think "I'll never be able to move on" stop for a moment and see if that's really true - you've got many years ahead of you and there are many examples of people moving on from this very situation - why should you be any different? Remember to take good care of yourself as well and find ways to reduce your stress. Divorce is typically considered to be the second most stressful event someone can experience (second to death of a spouse) so you're going to be dealing with a lot. Assemble your support system and rely on them to get you through. It's not selfish to ask things of people during this time, most people love having a chance to help the ones they care about so you're really giving them an opportunity that they will cherish. If your support is a little thin from your departure from the cult, then I would suggest talking to a therapist (especially if you have EAP through your job, if now's not the time to use it, I don't know when you would) or find a support group for people in a similar situation. If nothing else, you're doing a good thing by coming here to vent.

    You will get through this, people manage to do it all the time. We're all pulling for ya.

  • DJS

    My comments in Part I are just as relevant to Part Deux of this tragicomedy.

    Make a new plan, Stan.

  • punkofnice

    Try having your spouse walk out after nealy 25 years. Been there. It is beyond explanation. Now you see how evil the Jehovah's witness cult is.

    You will survive...we all do. Don't expect an overnight solution. You will get there...somehow....I'm on my way but life is no bowl of cherries.

    I feel your pain.

  • FayeDunaway

    Do you know how many women are longing for a loyal honest and sweet man like you? Dude. You do have to let yourself time to mourn this but you have the wonderful opportunity to start over! This time not with a witness.

Share this