Be careful what you wish for (in case you want to wake up your spouse)

by nevaagain 38 Replies latest jw friends

  • nevaagain

    I want to spare you a long post about my background. Because this topic is about something else.
    A small information is that I knew TTATT before I got married. But then I somehow pushed it back for quite some time because I didn't want to change my life and it was convenient to instantly meet new people when you move into a new city.

    Couple of years into my marriage and seeing all the changes in the JW my thirst for TTATT resurfaced. Since I love my wife and I knew that she also was not the biggest spiritual person I told her a few things. And at the beginning everything was cool. We even laughed about it. I guess she didn't take it seriously.

    Then after a while she even became hostile against "apostate material" didn't want to know anything about TTATT told me I should became a more spiritual person. After a while and because I couldn't shut up about TTATT she even gave me an ultimatum, either leave the truth or she will report me to the elders. I didn't understand her reasoning, she told me to leave and then I wouldn't have to go to the meetings but we would stay together as a married couple.

    I convinced her to not go through with her threads and I also promised her to stop talking about TTATT. See I didn't want to lose my wife over a religion. I maybe made the mistake of bringing the TTATT up when we were visiting my parents.

    My dad is an elder but he likes to "read around". Means, he is not only reading witness literature about the bible but also "worldly" literature. So he seems to have an open mind and I guess he likes to play with fire. So every time we were at my parents or they were at our place my father would bring such up a topic and I would of course tell them everything I know.

    After a while and this was a process over a couple of months, was wife grew distant of me. We did less and less things together. She developed a hobby which consumed 90% of her time. When I would ask her why we aren't doing anything together and basically live separate lives she would tell me, be happy that I found something to do and you can pursue your own hobbies.

    While couple of months ago she would be happy when I was coming back from work and then immediately she would be dropping everything she was doing at the time and we would do activities together, this changed. She would only take notice of me that I am back from work. She said a quick hi and continued what she was doing before I was home.

    After a while, and that's why I saw in her face, she even was regretting that I was home from work so early, because apparently even saying hi to me was consuming to much of her precious time away of me.
    At the beginning of course I let her be, I thought maybe she needed some alone time. So I started picking up some habits as well. I started playing video games and watched some t shows alone. I would also occasionally go and play some pool with a friend.

    While at first I enjoyed my freedom, after a couple of months were nothing in her behavior towards me changed I became worried. For quite some time we weren't sleeping in the same bed either. At the beginning she said that her cold would prevent me sleep well so she went to the guest room. She continued to sleep in the guest room because apparently my snoring became worse.

    At the same her meeting attendance dropped. She started to become "sick" on days of the meetings so she would miss some and I would have to go alone (the irony right?).

    So last week I came from work and saw the phone of my wife there and she was nowhere to be found. Since calling her wouldn't have made sense I picked her phone up and checked through her messages. I am usually not the guy snooping around in his wife phone. I am also not known to be the jealous husband but I still wanted to get insight into my wife's life. At least something small to see what went through my wife's head. And there it was. She was talking to other guys.

    I have to add, three years ago something similar happened. She distanced herself of me and then started to call and message a worldly guy we met at a JW wedding. I found out because she accidentally left her Facebook account signed in on our computer. Back then I became furious and threw her out of our apartment. Couple of days later she said that nothing happened only phone calls and messages and what she did was the biggest mistake ever. So I took her back.

    So how should I react this time?

    So we talked. She said that she remains faithful to me to this date and that she was only messaging other guys just to talk, because for a reason she couldn't talk to me. Unbeknownst to me, my wife got convinced about TTATT but for a reason couldn't talk to me about that. At least that's what she said.

    She also said that I robbed her of the fantasy that there is a god and eternal life in a paradise earth. Now that she lost all hope in life, because of me, she wants to live her life without any restrictions. She also wants to get dissociated from being a witness and also move out of our apartment within the next weeks. She also started smoking.

    So I guess TTATT has a different effect on everybody. My knowledge of TTATT didn't change my personality. I didn't take TTATT as opportunity to grow distant from my wife or even seek to find other potential mates.
    Even though we seem to patched up everything and we even started to spend time together again. I fear that this is just the calm before the storm. I feel betrayed and heartbroken ...

    I miss my old being "in the truth" wife. Apparently my "worldly" wife has no place for me.A little I blame myself for it ...

    So yeah be careful what you wish for, if you want to wake up your spouse, the outcome might be different than you expected.

  • Perry
    She also said that I robbed her of the fantasy that there is a god and eternal life in a paradise earth.

    Are you an atheist?

  • nevaagain
    no, just telling her about TTATT is enough. Now she doesnt believe in a god anymore and she blames me for it.
  • jhine

    It does seem that some people really do equate the WT with God , and of course this what the WT encourages . A kind of " if we can't have you no one will " attitude .

    I am sorry for you being in this situation . I can only say that communication is the only way to save your relationship . Please keep trying to discuss this with your wife . Do you have children , if so saving your marriage would be the best option , obviously .


  • lurkernomore

    What does a it matter if he's an atheist, agnostic, theist or anything else for that matter Perry?

    I think that blaming you for her loss of faith is unreasonable. If she didn't feel that there was any substance to the claims of ttatt then she would have continued being a JW regardless. It seems to me that it's an excuse to cut loose and do as she pleases. 

    I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in and hope you can move forward positively from here!

  • DJS


    I don't mean to be mean, but you have been a member of this site for 15 years. You state that you have known that the WT was a cult for a long time - I'm assuming for at least 15 years. And yet, again I'm assuming you met and married the dub girl after you knew the truth about the cult, you decided to give it a go and marry her. Your comments do not seem to relate to having met and married her before you knew it was all a big bunch of steaming manure. If so, ignore some of my comments.

    You are reaping the results of very bad decisions you have made even though you should have known what would or could occur. WTF did you think would happen? That you would fall in love with the Dark Lords all over again? What is it about the cult that gives you comfort? Hedging your bets just in case???

    And now the WWOTE has threatened to out you to the elders. Yes, definitely a keeper. And she has made up a ridiculous reason why she wouldn't sleep with you. Again, a keeper. And she is texting other guys (I mean, really neva, "wordily" WTF??? I mean really, What. Tha. F**k? Wordly? You are dub through and through). And you are allowing her to blame shift her behaviors and beliefs to you. Dude, she's an entitled narcissist. You are enabling her.

    Oh yes, a keeper, keeper, keeper. If you are an emasculated, simple minded man who needs to grow a pair - or find them where you are storing your brain. You aren't using either one of them.

    Hop on the bus, GUS.

  • disposable hero of hypocrisy
    disposable hero of hypocrisy

    "I don't mean to be mean, but..." Is a bit like saying "I'm not racist, but..." You know what's coming next is going to be exactly what you just said it wasn't.

    People are DIFFERENT. We react differently to situations. So he didn't act immediately like you might've done, so what? We can't all have Goliath-like testicles and glinty teeth like you have. Give the guy a break man, he's clearly hurting.

    Nevaagain- commiserations man, I've nothing helpful to say, but thanks for the warning message.

  • DJS


    I'm being straight up honest with this guy; I'm not being mean, it was simply a figure of speech.

    His poor decisions got him here; more bad ones won't help him get out of it - just as more bad advice from the well meaning but misguided placaters won't help him. But if you find any error in my statements please point them out.

  • disposable hero of hypocrisy
    disposable hero of hypocrisy

    To be honest DJS, I didn't read his post as asking for help, I read it more as a warning tale of what could happen.

    Only he knows his situation, and I assume that since we're not here to help counsel potential suicide candidates then maybe we shouldn't be advising individuals on areas that probably need marriage guidance counsellors, you know, trained professionals.

    I didn't say you were wrong about anything. But there are ways and means of putting things that don't involve name calling.

  • DJS

    If he posts a lovelorn OP on a public forum, by default he is asking for whatever comments come his way, including advice. That's the way this game is played, or I'm missing something???

    I don't see it as name calling; it is a very accurate description of how he has acted for a long time and how he continues to let this woman walk all over him. And as I see, it is exactly what he needs. Hello. McFly.

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