Posts by lil.lady.03

71

I didn't even know i WAS an apostate!

by GrandmaJones in

i am currently just sick with grief.

i can't believe this is happening to me.

all the jokes i've made about me never "falling out of the truth" and self confidence about my spirituality.

lil.lady.03

hay grandmama jones I sent you a PM. Plz check your inbox when you get a chance.

23

No Spiritual Heritage

by serenitynow! in

for the born/raised ins, do you feel that you no longer have a spiritual heritage/background/traditions?

i was sitting at my desk absentmindedly humming a "kingdom melody" from the brown songbook, when i realized what i was doing and made myself stop.

there were songs that i really enjoyed.

lil.lady.03

That's a good question? Because some of those memories are good ones.

I've thought about that though. If I ever get married and have kids, what am I going to teach them as a tradition?"

really anything I remember does involve being a Jdub. Like CO lunches, working at the assemblies, or long service days in a car full of elderly gossiping hens jus chucklin and cacklin all day.

Yet, those were only fun because the poeple I was with made them fun at the time.

Even recreation activities had some type of Jdub slant to it. From camping trips to getaway weekends.

I really don't want to raise my kids as JWs but what am I going to pass on?

I don't know my stand on holidays yet either. esp halloween, xmas, and birthddays.

I'm the scary type anyway, so I think for me halloween is going to be a "ask your dad" thing

But really, what am I going to say, "baby please forgive mommy for not knowing how to wrap a present. I never learned when I was little like you. I can put it in a gift bag if that helps. And sorry I don't know any songs to sing. Go ask your dad." thats not going to work

Feels like we gotta be reborn or something, huh?

21

Looking back I Missed out on a lot

by lil.lady.03 in

so i'm thinking back to all the things i ever wanted to do when i was little.

and could not do because, anything i wanted to do was bad association or just bad.. when i was 4, i wanted to do gymnastics.. "no.

you get pulled into nationalism and develop a competive spirit.".

lil.lady.03

That's the thing simon17 I live in a big city too. I started drinking before 21 and going out to parties with JW kids that were not in my hall. Most of JWs in my hall are super goody goody. And that was what I was trying to achieve but I never got in. But the ones who supplied the booze and had parites were all in different congregations. I was so shocked at first. We weren't supposed to do this? These kids were mostly elder's children going out to clubs and such. I was a little upset at the double standard, but I started having too much fun to care.

The thing that got to me the most were that these kids could whatever they want saturday night as long as the showed up for the meeting sunday, even if they weren't sober. One kid told me his dad said "do whatever you want, but just be at the meeting and up for service when its time." His dad is pretty cool, but that isn't how everyone thinks.

I know the only reason why my mom was so lax later with me in high school and now was because of the tight control she lost with my brother. In a way he paved the way for me! My mom has even said I can't control you guys anymore, do what you want but be careful. And Every time she says that to me I always respond with the line from the moses drama tape, "YOU BE CAREFUL ISIS YOU BE CAREFUL! IF WHAT YOU SAID GETS BACK TO PHARAOH, WE'LL ALL BE THORWN TO THE CROCODILES." We both start laughing at that point.

21

Looking back I Missed out on a lot

by lil.lady.03 in

so i'm thinking back to all the things i ever wanted to do when i was little.

and could not do because, anything i wanted to do was bad association or just bad.. when i was 4, i wanted to do gymnastics.. "no.

you get pulled into nationalism and develop a competive spirit.".

lil.lady.03

thank void eater! That's a good thought. I am doing things I've always wanted to do.

They funny thing is, we're taught we have forever but I have alwsy felt like I'm running out of time to live my life now. Literally last year around this time when I was thinking about going back to school, I felt like I've been putting off MY goals for so long. And for what? The great day that is near? The same great day that was near 20 years ago, the same great day that will be near tomorrow, in six months, 5 years, and maybe longer?

I don't know when or why but I decided 'hay when that great day comes, I'm still going to be the same person in a painting class with the same feelings.' I gotta do me at some point. I don't want to be a pent up frustrated nut shell on medz by the time I'm 30.

47

Email I sent to mom after huge fight today

by meangirl in

well my mom and i got into a pretty bad argument today over the phone.

it basically came down to the fact that she couldn't handle what i was saying about the organization, etc and all she could come back to me was that i "hated her?

" i guess i just wanted to share and vent a little too....thanks for letting me do so.. .

lil.lady.03

sounds good to me! I'm cheering as I'm reading. really all those operating expenses and such. No one ever voted against those letters of opertions did they? every one was willing because it was a donation.

now that i think about it. hmmm...assemblies and circuit assemblies just seem like a big cover up to get donations. the circuit always has a letter asking for money.

at the coventions there are donation boxes everywhere. I sat at one this past convention on a sunday afternoon. No one was evening coming by my box. But as soon as the assembly was over. TONS UPON TONS on money went in through that slit on the box.

i remember hearing a brother standing nearby with his little children waiting, "wow this is some big business going on." we made eye contact and giggled because so many people where dropping in money. They even had an credit card booth set up if you didn't bring cash. so sad and so blinded to it all.

21

Looking back I Missed out on a lot

by lil.lady.03 in

so i'm thinking back to all the things i ever wanted to do when i was little.

and could not do because, anything i wanted to do was bad association or just bad.. when i was 4, i wanted to do gymnastics.. "no.

you get pulled into nationalism and develop a competive spirit.".

lil.lady.03

I never understood all that time time time. the time it took to get ready. time at the meetings. Like if you had a sunday meeting at 4pm, you couldn't do anything. You had to wait all day for the meeting. Then once it was over. Better get ready to go back to work the next day.

And the field service report slips. nevver understood that. so much time. Why??

I know I need a time machine.

21

Looking back I Missed out on a lot

by lil.lady.03 in

so i'm thinking back to all the things i ever wanted to do when i was little.

and could not do because, anything i wanted to do was bad association or just bad.. when i was 4, i wanted to do gymnastics.. "no.

you get pulled into nationalism and develop a competive spirit.".

lil.lady.03

yes. I am. There have always been some classes offered at community centers that I wanted to take, but of course they would always fall on meeting night.

*gosh darn it*

I'm going to take some now. Like sewing or a painting class. Even if that sounds like something a hooky Jdub would do anyway. Lol

21

Looking back I Missed out on a lot

by lil.lady.03 in

so i'm thinking back to all the things i ever wanted to do when i was little.

and could not do because, anything i wanted to do was bad association or just bad.. when i was 4, i wanted to do gymnastics.. "no.

you get pulled into nationalism and develop a competive spirit.".

lil.lady.03

so I'm thinking back to all the things I ever wanted to do when I was little

and could not do because, anything I wanted to do was bad association or just bad.

When I was 4, I wanted to do gymnastics.

"No. You get pulled into nationalism and develop a competive spirit."

When I was about 10 I wanted to go to a summer camp. "Over night stays with worldy people. No." (well we couldn't afford $$ it anyway)

What did I do that summer? Summer school and long service days with my grandmother.

Never went to disneyland. Too magical. LOL.

In high school I did play sports like softball and basketball. I never got any too much flack from the elders or nobody, since we were hardly noticed in the hall, but that didn't matter. I had a huge guilt trip all on my own. I stopped because I was too good and coachs were really pressing in on me. I couldn't take it. I liked drama. Drama really helped come out of my shy self. I was in a musical production but again it was too draining fighting with my mom and friends on how I was putting myself in a bad environment, especially with all the homosexuality .

I was really an awkward kid in school. Super shy and very anxious. I had some worldly friends but for the most part kept to myself. They kinda knew I wsa a witness. Always asked why i was so wierd about b-days and holidays.

I didn't hang out with other JW kids. They were living double lives anyway and would act like they didn't knew me. I remember telling my mom, I don't have any friends at school . She would say "YES you do, the other kids in the hall. besides you don't need worldy assocaites. They'll only mislead you. Hang out with the other witness kids" NO WAY!! not only were they in upper grades, they were all boys with the hot girlfriends. and I was some dorky lookin girl. Horrible for their reps.

I remember feeeling really conflicted at school. Like I wanted to enjoy my creative side and the activities provided but I felt guilty for really wanting to do worldly things and not service. needless to say I didn't stick to anything and teachers said I seemed so indecisive.

Yup!

Indecisive.

I just feel like I missed out on a lot of oppertunities. All in which were not bad or involved drugs, sex, and booze. I wish I wasn't so shy, scared, and easily manipulated as I was back in.

A lot of JW kids got their double life stuff out of thier system in their teens. Rebelled and then reformed I guess. I'm in my early twenties and just now getting started. But I don't want reform. I want to feel guilt free or just free. which ever comes first.

27

Reverse Shunning

by gutted in

i have a confession.

i am using reverse shunning.. i have ignored the elders calls.

i do not want to hang out with witnesses anymore (besides my family and one friend).

lil.lady.03

thanks Oracle! I really try to stay courteous and change the subject quickly. It works. But yeah I do need to stick to my guns. I've never been good at lying (good Jdub training right there.) and I've always have had a bad habit of telling on myself if really pressed. Lately I have been really busy with the new school semester and work but they don't need to know that either i guess.

27

Reverse Shunning

by gutted in

i have a confession.

i am using reverse shunning.. i have ignored the elders calls.

i do not want to hang out with witnesses anymore (besides my family and one friend).

lil.lady.03

that's where I'm at right now. I haven't been to my meeting in about a month now. Its still really freash. I had an elder text on saturday morning @ 7:07am (nice guy considering) " hey i haven't seen you in 3 weeks. I'm so worried about you. Please call me." I started laughing. One becasue he woke me up and too I tought it was some old flame texting me. LOL. I didn't text him back. I've had a few sisters call or text. If they call I don;t answer. If they text me I'll text a 'thanks for thinking of me. I'm great.'

There are a lot of jdubs in my area. I ran into a sis today from another hall. I froze, like she aleady knew I had stopped going. i was trying to get away with a quickness, but I just changed the subject and laughed like all is well in my JW life. Everything is normal.

I care about a lot of ppl but like someone said I just need some time to sort out my head AWAY from the meetings. Even if that is contray to belief. I have a meeting tomorrow. I thinking maybe I'll show up just shut everybody up and repeat that cycle until the end of the year.

I will admit I did pray waiting in the car for my brother this afternoon. I haven't in awhile, but I asked if I'm making a huge mistake show me how and where. I didn't even finish my prayer. I had fallen asleep. LOL