Posts by Hopscotch

Thank you Lee for this very powerful article. I am guessing there are many abusive JW husbands out there who get away with spousal abuse by justifying it as 'headship' and 'wifely subjection'.

I personally know one young girl who married a JW man like this when she was 18. He controls her and their children in every way just like your husband did to you. And he has isolated her from her parents and other family members as well. When her parents have tried to talk to the elders about him, they tell the parents that he and his family are fine examples in the congregation. And on the rare occasion when the girls parents were able to talk to him and their daughter, he has told them that their daughter is now under his headship and they don't have any rights with her or their grandchildren.

I guess to a large extent this feeling of not knowing we can choose kept many of us captives to the WTS. We often look back and ask ourselves why we stayed in as long as we did, why didn't we walk away sooner. Your article goes a long way to helping explain why we didn't.

Hopscotch

ps - Thanks Randy for posting it here

22

How do you deal with shunning ?

by man in black in

jw
friends

my wife and i da'ed ourselves two years ago.

she left because she felt there was no forward momentum in the congregation.. me: because i really started to notice the lack of love and concern amoungst "true christians".

we have gotten to the point now where we will say hello to any jw's we run into, but the total avoidance thing is starting to get somewhat creepy to me.. example : my wife was in target several weeks ago, put her items on the belt and was getting ready to checkout.

Hopscotch

22

How do you deal with shunning ?

by man in black in

jw
friends

my wife and i da'ed ourselves two years ago.

she left because she felt there was no forward momentum in the congregation.. me: because i really started to notice the lack of love and concern amoungst "true christians".

we have gotten to the point now where we will say hello to any jw's we run into, but the total avoidance thing is starting to get somewhat creepy to me.. example : my wife was in target several weeks ago, put her items on the belt and was getting ready to checkout.

Hopscotch

man in black

It's interesting that you say this:

If I had become a murderer, or drug dealer I could possibly understand them

In the last conversation I had with my father 18 months ago when I phoned him with my answer to his ultimatum to go back to JWs or my family would cut me off, I brought up this very issue.

My father is an elder (PO for last few years) and in his congregation there were two 'brothers' in jail, both for manslaughter. One got drunk and stabbed his father in law who died a couple of days later and the other for driving while drunk and killing a bicycle rider. (And this congregation is in a good middle class area where these incidents are not the norm by the way).

Anyway, my father in his role as an elder makes a point of visiting these guys in jail. One is in a prison 2 1/2 hours drive away from my fathers home. So in that last phone conversation, after my father tells me that talking to me is a waste of his valuable time and that as far as my family is concerned I am dead, I asked my father this question:

"Why is it that you will drive for hours to visit a person who has murdered someone and yet you would not drive for 20 minutes to see me and talk about this in person. And why is it that you are going to cut me off when I'm the family member who has done more to help you and the rest of the family when they needed it and has always been there for you no matter what (even after he had an affair years ago while the PO). I said I am living a good, clean life, looking after my family, caring for my elderly mother in law and trying to help others when I can, yet you would rather spend time with criminals."

He replied that the ones in jail had repented and wanted to stay Jehovah's Witnesses, that is the difference between them and me. (He wanted me to go to the elders and confess to apostacy and repent which I refused to do).

I asked why he shows love to these criminals and yet would not show love to me his own daughter (I was 49 at the time).

He said "We don't intend to show you love. We can't show you love the way you are".

And after that lovely, upbuilding, encouraging phone call (which was also full of insults and anger and abuse) from my 'loving' JW elder father I have never seen or heard from any of my family again.

So to answer your original question "How do you deal with shunning?" I'd say at the moment - with difficulty. The pain, injustice, unfairness etc is still quite raw.

It is getting easier though to deal with the shunning by those who I once considered good friends.

Hopscotch

ps - I am not da'd or df'd just faded

59

At a loss what to do RE: JW family and my kids

by 2pink in

jw
friends

i have 2 small kids, ages 4 and 5 yrs and one on the way (via adoption!).

my husband and i faded/suddenly disappeared last fall, never to go back to meetings.

we outed ourselves and told our super hardcore parents/family members that we didn't believe it anymore, were choosing a different path etc.

Hopscotch

2pink it's really horrible when your own flesh and blood show loyalty to a cult/publishing company rather than their own family. I know as I personally am experiencing myself, my husband and son being shunned by our JW families. I was told I was satanic, a liar, dead as far as they are concerned etc - all this vile stuff was said to me by my own father in our last phone conversation 18 months ago. And it hurts. However, even though they have cut us off completely my situation is a bit different in that my son is now 20.

So having experienced first hand how our own parents can say such horrible and untrue things about us to our face and no doubt plenty more behind our backs, I personally would be very reluctant to let my very young children be alone with their JW grandparents. It is very possible your children will be told things like "mummy and daddy are going to die at Armageddon", or "mummy and daddy are bad because they don't love Jehovah" etc (I'm sure you get the picture). As your children are very young, being told this kind of stuff can have a real impact on them, both now and in years to come. And that is the last thing you would want now you are out and living a normal family life with your children.

You very much have the right to say that you will be with the children during the visits and that there is to be no JW talk and no running down of you and your husband. After all there has been articles in the Awake magazine quite a few times where grandparents are told they have to respect their childrens right to parent their own children their own way.

Wishing you all the best in this difficult situation

Hopscotch

20

The Ones Who Walk Away form Omelas, by Ursula Le Guin

by changeling in

jw
friends

http://www.markaelrod.net/wp-content/uploads/2006/05/omelas.pdf.

blondie mentioned ursula le guin in other thread and it reminded me of this short story which i dearly love.

i wanted to share it with all of you.

Hopscotch

What a powerful story on so many levels. Thanks for sharing it with us changeling.

There are JWs who are so happy and smug and superior feeling in their make believe world of JWs who can't wait for billions of people to die so that they and a few others can continue living in this little make believe world forever.

Then there are those JWs who find themselves in less than desirable circumstances such as facing a terminal illness or financial ruin who also can't wait for billions of people to die so that they and a few others can be miraculously saved from their problems.

Never stopping to really consider that their kind, caring, community minded non JW next door neighbor is one of the billions they want dead, or that all those beautiful, innocent, happy little children at the local school are among those they can't wait to die.

But some of us are brave enough to walk away from this make believe world of JWs.

Hopscotch

5

The World Cup Prophet-The famous Octopus & Watchtower

by JustHuman14 in

well as we all now there is a prophet amongst us.

yes i'm talking about the octopus that has prophesied all the football results for the world cup in south africa(we have to wait for the final to see if the prophecy will be fullfiled like the previous ones).. .

after leaving the watchtower, 10 years ago, i finally found something to believe in!!!

Hopscotch

JustHuman14 - what a brilliant idea. Paul the octopus joins the GB!!

By the way I don't know how Paul does it but it's quite amazing.

Hopscotch

20

"Losing My Religion" Film Project needs help

by Dogpatch in

jw
friends

passing this on from jim moon:.

subject: exjw documentaryhi everyone!.

one of my exjw friends in los angeles is developing a documentary about the jws entitled "losing my religion" and he asked me to forward information to anyone i thought might be interested in helping out with its development.

Hopscotch

This is just fantastic - it is going to be a wonderful film.

And the Lost and Found organisation for those JWs in transition from the WTS to a normal life sounds great. What a beautiful idea of providing scholarships to help the young people who leave JWs to achieve higher education.

Thank you so much Stephan and your team for your great work.

All the best

Hopscotch

19

Its the 5th. dont forget to turn in your service time

by elderelite in

just a friendly reminder....

Hopscotch

Designer Stubble said

The FS report is the thermometer for your spiritual health. Nothing else matters.

It's not just the thermometer for your spiritual health, it's the one for who and what you are as a person. As a JW just about everything about you as a person is defined by that number on a slip of paper each month. Sick isn't it.

Hopscotch