Moshe, that was hilarious.
Seriously, Churches are like restaurants. They are not all the same, for sure, and just like you might not like some restaurants, you'll have some issues with some churches. Please note, however, they all have food for living(spiritual food).
Find one that suits your taste.
A note on "passing the plate". My church doesn't, we have offering boxes in the back as well, or you can send in your helping money. Those plates are only a different form of a mailbox or box in the back. It's not a demand. Just another way of getting your donations in. I see people passing by our boxes in the back without putting anything in. Should I look at them as if they are refusing to help the expenses of the church? No, so don't look at people who pass the plate without putting money in it, like they aren't helping. They could be doing it another way, or maybe they are low on cash, or gave extra the week previous. You shouldn't go to church feeling pressure, so don't. And if you do go to a church where they pass the plate, feel good about helping where you are being spiritually fed.