my older son, karl, is leaving home.
it could be this coming sunday but, if not, definitely sometime during next week.. karl has been a wonderful son and friend.
leaving watchtower was made so much easier because of him - and his decision to exit undoubtedly prompted my wife, claire, to take a look at the damning evidence herself!
Hi Ian.
Give my thoughts to your son. As I said to Claire only this morning. Swtp. "You are never on your own. I will only ever be a few steps behind you" so I know exactly how you are feeling. He sounds like he is going great guns and no doubt a lot of that is down to you fella
Paul
raised in the organization
"for those not born into the organization .
not having been born into the organization i believe.
Hey Fella.
An interesting point & as an ex dub born and raised in the organisation, I have often wondered what it would have been like to “find” the truth myself as opposed to be an extension of my own mothers wanting needs, as they were at the time. You may find it useful to read my profile, as it is heavily focused on my formative childhood memories, most of them pretty bleak I am afraid to say.
As for specifics such as being made to stand outside of the assembly while the whole school files passed me, was nothing short of child abuse in my opinion. I was put in an environment to not only learn academically, but also socially as well. One tends to go hand-in-hand yet no thought was put into my personal phycological well being, by the congregation. I failed miserably academically, as a direct result of my low self-esteem, brought about by being in the organisation as a child. I remember being shouted at by various teachers who took my “stand” for Jehovah as belligerence. Children are gifted at observing the behaviour of the adults around them, and will happily turn on the pack mentality, if they see you as different or less than. It was horrible. Fortunately I was gifted in music, and was able to channel my alien persona into the middle ground of being artistic, and this was easier to digest by the very working class children I grew up with.
I was unable to make real friends, and certainly not encouraged to make “worldly” friends anyway. My school holidays were very lonely times. Maybe things would have been different if I had not been in a divided household. Life is very relative, and I did fell guilt that I felt so crap yet, I was constantly given stories via the article of brothers and sisters in foreign lands, who would walks a million miles a day just to the meetings etc, This only added to my low self esteem.
Regards
Paul
good morning all and happy tuesday,.
most everyone knows that jehovahs witnesses do not celebrate birthdays.
the reason is that there are two examples given in the bible of birthdays and bad things happened both times.
Lady Liberty.
Your timing is very apt as I am 40 today and as an ex dub you will understand that my sense of mortality was affected heavily during my childhood. That said I am proud of my achievements to date, and if the nearest and dearest that I have gathered over the years want to use this as an opportunity to say they care, then I am truly blessed. I am not having a party or any other cavalcade of festivity. It just doesn’t feel right, but I will use this day as opportunity to reflect on where I have been, who I am now, and where I am going. Still can't bring myself to raise a toast though. Old habits die hard!
Paul
maybe the same people who post on this board and tell us to just get over it.
i get so tired of them dismissing our experiences and trauma by saying "why do you have to tear jehovah's organization down?
just get over it and move on!".
Hi Tammy.
I was discussing this very topic with a friend I have made via this site only this morning. It is frustrating that people who have not experienced what we have experienced, have no or little understanding of the legacy it tends to leave us. In getting over any trauma, the way forward is by educating oneself, learning about the subject matter, making sense where possible and moving forward in our own time, and in our own ways. Trauma is trauma. Isolation is isolation. The very fact that we have all gravitated to the soothing shade of this site proves that. It is not in our imagination.
I for one have to say I have defiantly moved on since interacting with people (ex dubs) who do understand what goes on inside my head! Not an easy process…. It has done me the world of good. I am still the same person, but I do live with myself a little easier these days. I am stronger generally and I am doing my best to make the correct life choices you don’t learn how to do when growing up in the organisation.
Keep strong Tammy.
Your friend Paul
"the final truth is that there is no final truth.
" this statement was contained in a recent email from a close friend who is an existentialist, and by extension a nihilist.
how many here would agree with this?
Hi Mojo,
Thanks for your posting. Very thought provoking….
Although there are certain common tendencies among existentialist thinkers, there are major differences and disagreements among them, and not all of them even affiliate themselves with or accept the validity of the term "existentialism". Existentialism tends to view human beings as subjects in an indifferent, objective, often ambiguous, and “absurd” (Absurdism is a philosophy stating that the efforts of humanity to find meaning in the universe will ultimately fail because no such meaning exists at least in relation to humanity) universe in which meaning is not provided by the natural order, but rather can be created, however provisionally and unstably, by human beings' actions and interpretations.
I personally find the pragmatic thinking of existentialists that. Pragmatic! It does not allow for the deeper less tangible elements of the human phycological expereince. Personally speaking it does not sit comfortably with me that we live in an evironment that is random and pointless. I think the key is how one approaches the question on existance and your perosnal rationale behind it. I am also very wary that there is an underlying danger to become focused on the academic as opposed to the practica. The process of living should be so stimulating, if you are actually doing it well, there should be liitle time to devote to scratching ones head at the cosmos! That said there is a huge difference between allowing your mind the freedom to discover who you are, and allowing your lack of self awareness to govern your thought process.
I was chatting with a very good friend of mine, who is an ex dubb, We happened to be sitting on some rocks in a little natural bay on the coast. As we drank in the splendour of the cliffs behind us and the magnetic pull of the waves, we talked about life and the universe and our place within it, as us ex-dubbs seem to do so well ;O). I value my friends opinions highly and he has helped me enormously during my journey away from the confines of the organisation. His balanced and observed views are a great inspiration to me and they sit well with me. I think there is room for a pragmatic overview of life, it helps us digest soul food. The more I think about life as an overall equasion, the more I realise it is our deeper personas that really matter, the parts that we have little understanding of. We are part of the greater picture, and realising this to me is a major hurdle out of the way in learning to enjoy the present, if we are fortunate enough to be able to. Many people who have not really questioned themselves will default to the school of thought that is existentialism, because it sits so well with our conscious minds.
I think it is good to remember that so much of our unconcious mind actually makes me who I am and you who you are!…. Our higher state of being has little room for existentialism. I will leave it those who enjoy the comfort blanket of being able to qualify there place in the universe, without being part of it. That is by very definition, a waste of existance in my opinion…..
Your friend
Paul
hi.. i have decided to join this site and hopefully connect with some people who will know what my story has been.
i guess it is best to read my profile, but the upshot of this new found technology is that i am no longer alone in my isolation.
i can hopefully reach out and connect with people who really understand what it is like in my head!
Hi.
Thank you so much for your message. Finding this site has been an incredible turning poiont for me... I am just hopeful I can bo of help to anyone struglling with similar issues.
Your freind
Paul
god morning from a beautiful and sunny london.
it has not gone unnoticed at the many people on this site that have documented their fear of the future.
afraid of the present and certainly afraid of the future.
Hi Brigid.
Thank you so much for your message. I have had some lovely replies from people who gained something from my posting, so that made it very muhc worthwhile for me
Take care
Paul
god morning from a beautiful and sunny london.
it has not gone unnoticed at the many people on this site that have documented their fear of the future.
afraid of the present and certainly afraid of the future.
Hi. I must apologise for the typos! It is hard to write from the heart and be in the office at the same time with so many distractions.
Take care.
Paul
god morning from a beautiful and sunny london.
it has not gone unnoticed at the many people on this site that have documented their fear of the future.
afraid of the present and certainly afraid of the future.
Hi poppers. That is a great place to aim for....
Paul
god morning from a beautiful and sunny london.
it has not gone unnoticed at the many people on this site that have documented their fear of the future.
afraid of the present and certainly afraid of the future.
God morning from a beautiful and sunny London. It has not gone unnoticed at the many people on this site that have documented their fear of the future. I thought the response I sent to one of our friends, might be useful to someone else with the same, debilitating thought process.
If you strip away all the scientific and intellectual banter we are so able and readily available to indulge ourselves in, the simple truth remains. You, me and everyone else who is reading this, have the capacity to not be afraid. Like any phobia, which presents itself as a fear, you can overcome it and actually thrive on the now and like many phobias, it’s learnt behaviour. http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinformation/mentalhealthproblems/anxietyphobias/anxietyphobias.aspx
The now when you think about it IS the future. As a tiny example, by the time you have read this, you are already in the future and so by projecting yourself in the right direction, you are steering your own very personal experience. If you are able to read this and make sense of it, in essence get it and have lost your way through illness, be it physical or mental, you are capable of controlling your perception and how you view world events… If only you will allow yourself. It is like learning to swim. The panic of not being able to swim will ultimately bring about your demise in deep water. If you are incapable of getting your head around what is physically happening to you at the time, you risk drowning! Relax, breath and you’ll float naturally! I grew up afraid. Afraid of the present and certainly afraid of the future. The anxiety I felt was debilitating and very real.
The interpretation of world events within the organisation is that, an interpretation. If you speak to a devout Buddhist, they will real off reams of doctrine dating back thousands of years that pertain to the time we are now in. Nostradamus, and practically every orchestrated religious theologian will be able to say we are heading for something. Of course we are! We are sucked into the future without any control over it. This in itself can be deemed scary. That said, you are in control of where you are and who you are right now. The thing to remember is that while you are dealing with the angst of fear, your energies are not available to hold you up so you can proverbially float enabling you to enjoy the deep blue sky, the sun of your face and the sheer sensation of being.
Many are in a state of inertia through sheer confusion. Stop and listen to yourself. Really listen to yourself. Take control of the inner you and make yourself calm. Today is good, and so is even better! If only you will let it. We are all going to pass on and die eventually and I for one don’t know anymore more than that, and nor should I. It is merely human arrogance to think we should. I know more need to know what is on the far side of the moon that I need to know, what the ultimate future holds for mankind. My responsibility to mankind and for myself is right now. It is here. It id this afternoon, this evening and tomorrow morning. It has taken me a while to get to this stage in my life and a lot of personal anguish and journeying, but I reckon I am OK. I am certainly happier. It is good to rest for a while and put down the heavy backpack of my ex dub persona! It’s great to drink in the view of life as opposed to battling with my destructive vices because I don’t feel worthy enough to be happy.
What I am trying to say is this; Think about something really really simple for a moment, think about trees for example! Think about the way the trunk holds it up. In your minds eye, look up into its branches as watch as the light dances amongst its leaves, and it gives way to the breeze. Watch as it sheds old leaves to make way for both rest and new growth. The thing is its life cycle is so slow we miss it. Generally speaking, a tree lives far longer than us and it grows so slowly, we can simply miss it. We just see a tree, when what we should be seeing is a living organism in control, a life that has moved each leaf and branch, in order to gain optimum light and energy within it’s own unique space on this planet. To make the most of what is on offer. It's a great life lesson for us to learn. The tree just does things so slowly we cant see its real life experience easily within our own time continuum, even though we share the same space. Again like many trees if you move them, they can simply wither away and die. It's like leaving the organisation; you need to realign your thoughts in order to gain insight. To gain clarity about bigger picture is no different, we can’t see the future, any more easily than we can watch a tree of 400 years old grow. We can only react to where we think we need to get to for the best of life’s light and energy. Think about it :O) Move your thoughts to where they best serve you. NOT the other way around. That way you can think and see clearly. It is not a problem it is a challenge to coin a very cliched phrase.
Although I am confident I was brainwashed throughout my child and early adulthood. www.objectivethought.com/atheism/cult.html I am now confident I am free to make my own mind up about my identity and who I am and what I believe.
Life is about change and I am changing and so should you. Dwell on the positives not the gloom of destruction, Focus on the light and energy of living. That is the godliest thing you can do…for both your present and your future.
Your friend Paul
