Hi everyone,
I have been "lurking" here for a while and just wanted to share with those that would, maybe, understand what I go through sometimes. My dad's family were mostly all witnesses. My most vivid memories of my grandfather as a child were of his recording all of the assemblies (or conventions, as I suppose they are called now) and listening to them over and over. My dad was never baptized, but believed the faith with all his heart. My mom was a religious "nothing," so we celebrated holidays, always with a guilt feeling enveloping us, went to the meetings occasionally, usually to the assemblies, and never missed the memorial. I know that my parents went to the big worldwide assembly they had way back before I was born, so my dad's family comes from a long line of jws.
My grandfather owned a trailer park, so there were always lots of witnesses around, you know, lots of them (at least they used to) seemed to live out of trailers so they could go wherever to witness. Actually, my grandfather became a witness when they used to come around with the little record players. I had uncles who were elders, etc. So "the truth' has been ingrained in me.
Anyway, when I was about seven, my grandfather remarried after my grandmother died, to an absolutely crazy woman that he met at an assembly. They lived next to us, and I was always wanting to please everyone, wanted to go to "church," and she reeled me in early, believing "the truth." I remember when I was seven, I thought if I read the blue book, "the Truth book," that I would survive armageddon and the demons wouldn't get me! I was absolutely petrified that there was a demon around every corner. In fact, one little girl my age's mom told her that the "demons were out to get me," I guess, because my mom and dad didn't go to the meetings, etc.
Eventually, we moved into a house in the same vicinity, the witness kids that I knew in school were all screwed up, so I wouldn't even consider hanging out with them. My brother and I were fairly smart, college bound, etc. From junior high on, on and off, I studied with the witnesses, and finally was baptized my last year in college in the 80s (so I was never really accepted, what with going in for all the higher learning stuff!). There was no real socialization, no opportunities for friends or dating - at least no one that I would consider. I remember after I had gotten bapized and was out in service with this sister that I realized (okay, maybe I was and am paranoid) that they, the jws were watching me. She told me that she knew I was dating a "worldly man," and let me know that "they" knew. She encouraged me, (I swear) that if I would be patient that this one brother was getting a divorce soon, and he would be a better prospect for me. Can you believe that?
I eventually moved to a different state for a postgraduate course of study, came back to the area, got a job, and just got real self-destructive, after all, I obviously wasn't good enough for "the truth," I would never measure up, so what was the point. I finally realized, after a while, that I needed to do something positive, and had to be responsible for my life, and it wasn't the witness route. I finally wound up at a Baptist church (hey, I actually went, got involved, and a demon never made things fly around, talked to me or anything), got married, have a great husband, great kids and a good life, just pretty much ignored the jws, because I lived in a town about 15 miles away. Most of my dad's family lived far enough away that it wasn't an issue.
Then, when my dad died, the "wake up call" began. When my dad died, there were all these witnesses, tramping through my parents' house (you know, they like free food), but wouldn't even look at me. My father died, and they wouldn't even look at me, nothing. They tried hard and heavy to go after my husband with the Watchtowers, etc., but he pretty much told them where they could stick the magazines.
So years go by - and I'm sorry I am going on and on - and we get to the present. Life is busy, I work, homeschool my two kids (and no, I am not doing because I am a crazy religious fanatic - it's the choice we have made for now), and I guess, I don't really think about such nonsensical things as the jws and their insanity, I mean, I actually live in the real world where people have to take care of their families and work (oh, excuse me, such an odd concept, to care about my family). Then I decided that I really needed to have some of my dad's side of the family's relatives over - my kids don't even know any of them. I really wanted to be better about that, for my mom and my kids. And we do live only about 30 minutes away. Do you know, that only three people came? One cousin, who is not baptized, that came said that my uncle couldn't come, was afraid the "brothers" would find out he was socializing with me (so I guess I am officially df'ed or whatever - just dissed, as far as I see it). My other cousin, who was recently reinstated (for, like, the millionth time - she's always getting df'ed for smoking) brought all this literature in a bag with a note about how my dad really wanted to see us in paradise, etc. I suppose it really, really hurt me that my father's only living sibling and his family are so horrible, but yet think they are so special and chosen. I mean, he is really, really old and in ill health. And I have to think that that is the reason the others didn't come.
So sorry to go on forever, I guess that incident just rekindled so many things that I haven't dealt with in a long, long time. The craziness, the division of families, the fear of being watched, the fear of demons, the guilt of "being worldly," just guilt and bitterness and unhappiness. I really, really don't think that anyone can understand the total dysfunction that this cult brings to individuals and families, unless you have been there. And you know, I feel so, so sorry for my kids - and for my uncle. What a horrible way to have to live. Thanks for listening!
