JW Husband and Apostate Wife

by twinflame 27 Replies latest social relationships

  • twinflame

    Ah, where to start. I have been married for 30 years and was a JW with my husband for 20+. We raised 6 children in the borg; none of which, thankfully, stuck with it. Having 6 children, I stayed in the marriage and organization because I feared I could not raise them all on my own. When the last few were approaching their teens and rebelled against going to the meetings, I joined them. That was about 7 years ago now.

    It caused a lot of upset at first but my husband calmed down after a while. He was/is the typical JW controlling type and I was the submissive, go-along-with-anything wife. Things have been very strained between us for the past several years as I have been become more and more vocal about my loathing and resentment of this destructive cult. He still hopes that some day I will come around and he says he will never give up hope....I continue to build resentment.

    I guess I don't even know what my question and or problem is. After being an active JW for so many years, and believe me, everything was by the book and fanatical, I know what the religion teaches and how someone like me is viewed by them. I openly declare myself an apostate to my husband and tell him I will NEVER come back to being a JW. He seems to be willing to wait it out. It tears me up to think that his belief is that he will live forever and his wife and children will all be destroyed; afterall, he has to believe that, right? And the smugness I know he has when he thinks about me trying to find a different religion when he knows they are all pagan.

    I suppose the bottom line is.....I want out....I can't stand it....I hate everything about the JWs. I hate the books and magazines all over our house and I hate even hearing the religion mentioned. We have been married a long, long time and of course there is love, but we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. He seems willing to stay with me, but my life is an empty shell. I just don't know how to do it without just walking out the door and hurting him. What a stupid dilemna, huh? I've gone to church a few different times and that hasn't blown things up, even sent for some B'Hai information and had it sent to the house. I celebrate XMAS with my kids now, along with their birthdays.

    There is no easy answer, is there? I guess I know that, but just felt compelled to vent a bit. This sight is great.

  • Darth Yhwh
    Darth Yhwh

    Do you love your husband?

    If you do then it’s your responsibility to attempt to plant the seed on the rocky soil. Hopefully they’ll sprout.

    If not, then you must move on with your life. Otherwise you’ll continue to live a lie even if you’re no longer associated with the WTBS directly.

    I feel for you and hope that you can find peace and happiness.

  • Legolas

    ((((Welcome to the board))))

  • Gretchen956

    Wecome to the board twin, you have a dilemna thats for sure, good luck with it, its not easy coming out especially when you have a spouse in. I don't have that experience but there are quite a few here that do. Some have been able to plant seeds and see their loved ones leave. I hope for you the same.



  • garybuss

    Welcome! I quit associating with the Witness group many years before my wife quit. We had lots of unfriendly exchanges while trying to raise 4 sons. We lived in conflict every single day. I found I didn't have a religion problem, I had a marriage problem and a religion solution wasn't going to work.

  • carla

    Welcome to the board and the life of a ubm (unbelieving mate). carla

  • coffee_black

    Welcome! Lots of us have been where you are now. Do you have any interests you can call your own outside of the family? Working at something you love can help....

    It's a terrible delema...I'm sure he thinks you're just going through a phase...and you'll grow out of it.... problem is that once you know the truth about the truth no thinking person could go back...

    It's great that your kids are out with you. The wt can't take them from you.


  • zagor

    Oh yess, borg can screw up relationships just like that. In fact they probably think they are doing god's service by making it harder for you. Unfortunately, it gets very stressful in a marriage. I'm not married but I felt recently how destructive aftermath of borg influence can be on any future relationships ...http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/99358/1.ashx

    You got your kid, that’s the main thing. Though as we get older and kids go away we still need someone with us who is COMPATIBLE to our views on life, otherwise life can be a living hell. So I agree with DY, examine your feeling about him, do you still love him, etc. What attracted you to him in the first place, there must have been some spark? Is it still there? Even if you don't see it, it might still be somewhere under surface or buried deep inside him. Many years of borg possession literally deforms your mind until you become a zombie. So behind that zombie there might still be a man that loves you, and he expresses it in only way he knows now. (Remember, everything else has been washed out from him so that's maybe the only way he can express himself, I'd suggest trying talking to him. Instead letting frustration with the borg influence the tact of your conversation, after all he is still the father of your kids who must feel something for him too. So HELP HIM, all 7 of you could try doing something different that would make him start using his head)

  • mrsjones5

    welcome to the board Twinflame

  • GoingGoingGone

    Hi twinflame,

    I'm married for almost 20 years to a JW elder... he's still in and I am out. Haven't been to a meeting for a year or more, nor in service, although he turned in a field service report for me (????!!!??) until about 3 months ago. But now I'm 'officially' inactive, too... I'm not df'd, just faded.. hoping he will follow one day. But in the meantime, the waiting and the distance between us gets old....

    I also can't stand the literature all over the house, I can't stand the time he devotes to meetings and service and elders meetings and shepherding calls and the money spent on literature and gas driving to and from meetings and out in service (he always drives, we have a big car)... Anyway, this site IS great, there are many here who are out and who are trying to get their mate out, too. Lots of good suggestions. So keep reading, hang around, and WELCOME!


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