JW Husband and Apostate Wife

by twinflame 27 Replies latest social relationships

  • Check_Your_Premises

    Welcome aboard, and congratualtions on taking the blue pill. Great job on raising free children with free minds. What more could a parent hope for!

    I am an unbelieving mate of some accomplishments, although my wife is still in. You will find many friends here, and many who will give you great advice. Our most recent success story is Ithinkisee. He was a former bethelite who spent a year slowly building the groundwork for his wife's exit. Now they are planning their life together in a new location free from jw slavery. There are so many more. So have courage.

    The checklist.... usually a fine ubm named JGnat takes care of this. She will probably add to whatever I forget. I know alot of this is a little late since you left 7 years ago and are an open apostate. I would agree with another poster that you probably have some obligation to try to free your husband's mind. He wants to be free. There is just another personality superimposed on his that says all that other silly stuff.

    1. Never criticize the org. Your job is to ask questions, that lead to thoughts, that allow THEM to question the legitimacy of the org. Eventually you need to ask him questions that will help him to develop a new, non-cult perspective.

    2. All efforts to free his mind must be based in trust. He must trust you. He must have things that he can relate to you with spiritually. Without trust all other efforts are a waste of time. I know you are an open apostate. I know you have been through alot. But you are the bait. He can't pass up an opportunity to save you. By being less hostile, and actually curious, it will open the conversation that you need to have with him.

    3. Get Releasing the Bonds by Steven Hassan. It is a how to get your loved one out of a cult book. It would probably do you some good, since you were in as well. This is the book I and others are using to open our loved ones mind, and deal with all the phobias.

    I sense that you are at the end of your rope with your marriage? I can't tell you what to do there. I hope whatever you do, you won't have any regrets. I personally am not at a point where I could live with myself if I left my wife behind. That is the question that haunts us all I suppose.

    Hope some of that helps. Sorry if it is obvious, or stuff you already knew. Sorry for all you have been through. We are legion!


  • jgnat

    HI, twinflame, me too! Except I raised my children before I met my husband, we married each other knowing we had different beliefs, we didn't have children together, and we are approaching our third year blush of newlywed puppylove.

    C_Y_P covered things very well. I think one of our big successes is there are no secrets. He knows of my online involvement, and I trained him early that I am a spitfire woman. I am also blessed that he was not raised JW, and was used to having strong women lead him around.

    Nevertheless, I don't think it is ever too late to go spitfire on a man. I think they kind of like it if they don't have to make all the decisions. You might be surprised. Just don't, as C_Y_P said, get all freaky-you-are-in-a-cult on your hubby. You want to keep him open and listening.

  • twinflame

    Thank you all for your encouragement. I actually spent a lot of time in chat rooms and such when I was first coming out. It was the only way I survived. At first I struggled trying to find another religion to fill what I thought was a void, but that only lead to more confusion. Now I find myself just drifting aimlessly.

    My last child turned eighteen a few months back and I feel I have done my best to run interference between all the kids and their father. He loves them all and they love him, he has just been an overbearing, domineering JW Dad that can never admit when he is wrong. He was never physically abusive but very verbally abusive, along with lots of yelling and screaming. There has been alcohol abuse involved and a great amount of hypocrisy, with him holding fast to nothing being more important in life than 'the truth' and all of us needing to 'make things right with Jehovah'.

    The kids all ran out the door at 18, most married and many have failed because of marrying too young just to get away. Of course they never dated and had no idea what relationships were about. They just knew it as a way out and their Dad was content with their decisions of at least getting marrried and not living in sin. They also have great resentment towards the religion and the affects it's had on their lives.

    The question on whether I love him. Well, we were great friends in high school, pre-JW days. He studied with the JWs for a while before we got married and never mentioned them. Of course, I found books, asked questions and then we began studying together. We even separated for a year because I felt I couldn't live up to the requirements. I ended up throwing in the towel and going back. Babies came one after another because remember back then, vasectomy wasn't an option for any man if he was to be considered for any position in the congregation. I finally convinced him after the last one, that we could justify it because of the toll on my health. So back to the question...yes, I love him but have not been 'in love' for a long, long time. We simply have a lot of history and scattered good memories. We share nothing now except our children but he claims to love me unconditionally.

    I have no friends outside work. He has his ring of sympathizing JWs that feel for his position of living with his weak and stumbled wife. We have moved several times since I stopped attending. Nobody ever seemed to give a crap when I stopped anyway, never asked why or what they could do to encourage me; so typical. I'm confused about religion and looking for something to do with my life. I signed up to be a Red Cross volunteer and have a day-long training in a week. I'm hoping that will give me something to do with my life.

    Sorry....I've been rambling. You know how easy it is when you finally find someone who understands. Thanks again.

  • Check_Your_Premises
    Sorry....I've been rambling

    No worries. I find some of the best things that come from my time here, are not in the things that people tell me, but in the things I come to realize by articulating my own experiences. Writing stuff out like this is a great way to clarify your thoughts.

    So keep rambling. We all understand.


  • FreeWilly
    Now I find myself just drifting aimlessly......I'm confused about religion and looking for something to do with my life

    Hi Twinflame. This is one of the first anxieties from coming out of an insular, controlling, fear and doom centered religion. You have spent years being told you are not doing enough, years listening to how the fate of the world depends on how well you pitch their magazines. You could be experienceing residual guilt. I wholeheartedly recommend doing some volunteer work. I like Habitat for Humanity because your work actually benefits people in your area. HOWEVER, don't jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. If you have a lot of stuff going on in your personal life (as it sounds like you will) then care for yourself first.

  • Ellie

    Welcome to the board, you are in a very tricky situation and I wish I could offer you some advice but I don't know what to say.

  • twinflame

    Thanks FreeWilly. You know, in all the years I've been 'healing', the advice I hear most is to look out for myself as a priority. I've spent my whole life first, by being raised by controlling parents and then marrying a controlling man in a controlling religion. Top that off with a large family and I lost myself a long time ago. And now I am looking for volunteer work because I don't know what to do with myself. Such a realization as I type this reply!

    I guess the hardest thing I will ever try to accomplish is to think of myself first.....the number one advice from friends and even my children. Why is it so damn hard? I really don't think I want to be a martyr. I keep trying and I have noticed as I make small steps, even though I feel totally selfish, it becomes easier and almost feels good.

  • Doubtfully Yours
    Doubtfully Yours


    Don't make things harder than they have to be on yourself and on your husband.

    You've already successfully left the WBTS with your children. They're grown and gone. Your husband has accepted it and keeps on trucking. It seems that he's left you alone; then, what is it you're looking for? Leave him alone! Don't sweat the small stuff anymore!

    Doing some volunteer work is a step in the right direction. Fill your life with positive, constructive things and live it one day at a time.

    Otherwise, it all just sounds to me like you want out and are looking for an excuse. There's no perfect situation/relationship out there, you know. Find enjoyment in the life you have now and quit the whining.


  • jgnat

    Twinflame, I can so relate to rediscovering self. I was twenty years a single parent, and that responsibility defined my life. I had observed that many single parents "fall apart" when the kids leave home. That parent's entire reason for living just walked out the door. I determined that would not happen to me. When my children were in their mid-teens I took up fine art painting. I suddenly realized the phone was never for me any more. It was my first "selfish" activity, and it was liberating. My children thought I was cracked. My hubby still thinks I'm cracked. Which is OK, because I can afford to be a little loopy these days.

    Then I moved away from home, took a job in a small town for two years. It was an adventure! I loved meeting the people there. But I did not like living alone. It was too darn quiet. I sat in my quiet apartment one night thinking, now, what shall I put on for music? What did I like? I had no idea. My tastes had followed my children for the last twenty years, from children's classics through popular Christian ballads, a brief foray in to rap... What did I like? It took me months to figure that out. Black Gospel. Obscure, off the beaten path, a little cracked. Like me.

    Not that it did me much good. The radio is now tuned to hubby's faves from the sixties and the seventies. Which I also enjoy.

  • jgnat
    quit the whining

    A little harsh, Doubtfully Yours. Has it been a tough week?

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