> Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
>>> In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
>>>first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
>>>
>>> He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She
>>>responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
>>>since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
>>>disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
>>>manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think
>>>you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
>>>will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you."
>>>
>>> The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
>>>across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence
>>>attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.
>>>Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
>>>has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with
>>>anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
>>>state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
>>>women. Yes, I know him."
>>>
>>> The defence attorney almost died!
>>>
>>> At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called
>>>both counsellors to the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt."
Post Your Jokes Here Thread............
by Frannie Banannie 103 Replies latest social humour
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Frannie Banannie
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Frannie Banannie
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a
client. He was told the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory
title to a parcel of property
being offered as collateral. The title to the
property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information
to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's
loan application, we note that the request is
supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have
prepared and presented the application, we must
point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before
final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back
to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (actual letter)
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have the title extended further than the 194 years covered
by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of
origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from
France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came
into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by
a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege
of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good
queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as
the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she
sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure
you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God; and God, it
is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to
presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God,
therefore, would be the owner of origin, and His origins date back to before
the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope you find
God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damned loan?"
The loan was approved. -
Frannie Banannie
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."
SEED -- verb, past tense.
VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" -
Frannie Banannie
Very Punny!!! 1. A backward poet writes inverse.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
4. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
5. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floorplay.
6. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
7. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
8. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
9. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
10. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
11. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
12. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
13. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
14. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
15. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
16. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat miner.
17. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
18. The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
19. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
20. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
21. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
22. He often broke into song because he couldn' t find the key.
23. Every calendar's days are numbered.
24. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
25. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
26. A plateau is a high form of flatter.
27. The short fortuneteller was a short medium at large.
28. Those that get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
29. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
30. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
31. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
32. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
33. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
34. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
35. The poor guy fell into a glass-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself -
Frannie Banannie
1) Go to www.google.com
2) Type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction" .
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search"
button.Ever wonder what your name would be if you were a Hobbitt?
Hobbit Name Generator -
Frannie Banannie
name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack . So, he says, "Mrs.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.
The frog says "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank
manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he
will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has
anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he
wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
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Frannie Banannie
Rascally behavior . . . . > > One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior > that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. > > So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. > > When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth: 95% are > misbehaving and 5% are not." > > He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second > angel to get another opinion." > > So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. > > When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in > decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." > > God was not pleased. > > So God decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to > encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. > > Do you know what that E-mail said? -- > > No?...................... > > > > > I didn't get one either.
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Frannie Banannie
New Drugs For Men
=================
[ Rated PG)
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got
lost
compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little
accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing
clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious
about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on
higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other
people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special
prosecutors.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength versions. -
Frannie Banannie
This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on! NEVER SAY TO A COP 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" *** Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. I don't know how...
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Frannie Banannie
St. Mom's Wort .. Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six
hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they
were as teenagers
and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q.
causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road
rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls,
is highly effective
in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing money spent on
make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance
to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get
naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with
Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home
with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a
man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or
wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More
effective than
Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides
the same irritation
as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of
doing it herself.