"The Fatitudes"
In the beginning, God covered the earth with
broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and
yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created
Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said:
"You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said:
"Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing
and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp,
butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried
steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's
cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low
in fat and brimming with potassium and good
nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them
in animal fats, adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his
children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control
so Man would not have to toil changing the
channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering light and started wearing
stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent
double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want
fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super
size 'em!
And Satan said: " It is good." And Man and Woman
went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass
surgery.
Satan chuckled and created HMOs....
Post Your Jokes Here Thread............
by Frannie Banannie 103 Replies latest social humour
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Frannie Banannie
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under74
HAHAHAHA
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Frannie Banannie
Culture Shock
Two guys immigrated to America. On their first day off the boat, they
were
wandering around New York City, seeing the sights. As lunchtime
approached, they decided they were hungry. They came up to a street
vendor
selling hot dogs.
One said to the other, in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in
America?"
"I don't know!" said the other, equally appalled.
"Well," said the first, "We're going to be Americans, so we must do as
they do."
They approached the vendor bravely, and said "Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor handed them their food in a pair of paper sacks.
Then the two immigrants sat on a park bench to eat their lunch. One
looked
inside his sack, hesitated and turned to his partner and said, "Uhh,
which
part of the dog did you get?" -
Frannie Banannie
Waxing!
All methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless
removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix
dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the
demise; the bathroom.It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm
and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and
hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean
I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can
figure it out. YA THINK!!!
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
Cold wax my ass (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull.
OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all
wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax
strip I move north.After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one
foot on the toilet Using the same procedure I apply the was strip
across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my
vagina and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it
was a long strip) .
I inhale deeply and brace myself.RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....Vision returning, I notice
that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. SHIT!!!
Another
deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirling and spotted. Do I
hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt
that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that
is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no
hair on it.
Where is the wax???
Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. (the hair that should be on the strip.) I touch. I am
touching wax . SHIT! I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part
of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair and then
make the next big mistake.
(Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.) I know I need
to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the
slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass?? Sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself "I hope I don't get the urge to shit. My head
may pop off"
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???WRONG
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that used
to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now the only thing worse that having your business glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.
In scalding hot water - which by the way doesn't melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!
I call my friend thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter.
"So, my ass and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter
from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax on the ass is "Are
we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by
now...I can hear her.I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the
side of the box. YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one
else's night.While we go through various solutions, I result in scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!
I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion
they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT
works!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the shit
off.
Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the
medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday..
Next week I'm going to try hair color....... -
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Frannie Banannie
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his
math.Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and
enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious
look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went
straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were
spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner To her
shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without
a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as
before.This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried
to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary
brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table,
went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom
looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in
math.She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books,
the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY"Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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Frannie Banannie
Science Class!!!!......... PRICELESS
6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell myparents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?? Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed! -
under74
FRANNIE YOU'RE KILLIN ME!
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Frannie Banannie
You might be a Cajun if...
- Watching "Wild Kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.
- You think the head of the United Nations is Boudreaux-Boudreaux Guillory.
- You think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.
- You think boudin, hogshead cheese, and Bud is a bland diet.
- You think Ground Hog Day and Boucherie Day are the same holiday.
- You take a bite of 5 alarm Texas chili and reach for the Tabasco.
- Fred's Lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry.
- You have an "envie" for something instead of a craving.
- You use a No. 3 washtub to cover your lawn mower or outboard in your yard.
- You use two or more pirogues to cover your newly planted tomatoes to protect them from a late frost.
- You use a gill net to play tennis, badminton or volleyball.
- The horsepower of your outboard motor is greater than the motor in your car.
- You pass up a trip abroad to go to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge.
- Your favorite TV talk show is Okra Winfrey.
- Your children's favorite bedtime story begins "First make a roux."
- Your school teaches the four basic food groups as boiled seafood, broiled seafood, fried seafood and beer.
- You're asked to name the four seasons and reply, "Onions, celery, bell pepper and garlic."
- You're asked to name the Fab Four" and answer, "Paul Prudhomme, John Folse, Justin Wilson, and Vernon Roger."
- Your description of a gourmet dinner includes the words "deep fat fried"
- You let your black coffee cool and find it has gelled
- You describe a yard of boudin and cracklings as "breakfast."
- Your mama announces each morning, "Well, I've got the rice cooking, what will we have for dinner?"
- None of your potential vacation destinations are north of the old Mississippi River bridge.
- You refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather."
- You get a disapproving look from your wife and describe it as "She passed me a pair of eyes..."
- You think of gravy as a beverage.
- You greet your long lost friend at the Lafayette International Airport with "IiiiiEeeeeeeeeee!"
- You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says "Don't eat the dead ones" and you know what he means.
- You learned bourré the hard way, holding yourself upright in your crib.
- You don't know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames.
- You gave up Tabasco for Lent.
- You know the difference between Zatarains, Zeringue, and zydeco.
- Your dog thinks the bed of your pickup is his kennel.
- You can look at a rice field and tell how much gravy it will take to cover the rice.
- You consider the four seasons winter, spring, summer, and hunting.
- Your high school band's rendition of the national anthem begins, "Jambalaya, crawfish pie, filet gumbo..."
- You stand up when they play "Jolie Blonde."
- Any of your dessert recipes call for jalapenos.
- You consider Breaux Bridge the capital of the state, and Lafayette the capital of the nation.
- You think the Mason-Dixon line is at Bunkie.
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Frannie Banannie
Aren't these fun?
Advice from kids:
(As answered by elementary school students)
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
What is the Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Commo Single or Married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9
How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10