Attn Unbeleiving Mates (ubm's): "I'm a dub! I'm right! Join or who cares!"

by Check_Your_Premises 71 Replies latest jw friends

  • Check_Your_Premises
    I'd think some one-on-one times, just the two of you, maybe dinner dates on Wednesdays, might help. I think you need some scheduled time to connect.

    Wednesday is meeting night. See J, by the time the kids and the meetings get first crack, there really isn't much time for us to talk.

    So then how much of that time do I want to spend in some heavy discussion. I spend most of that time just trying to make sure we still like eachother as much as we always have.

  • carla

    Can I have your letter and just address it to my husband? It would fit exactly!!!!! In womanese, it is touching and meaningful. I've written a few like that myself. Not as eloquent though. What it means in jwese is another story. I wish you well my friend, from another ubm, carla

  • jgnat

    I hear you, C_Y_P. I meant scheduled dates on non-meeting nights. Here, hubby goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wednesdays are "our" night. I've got it a lot easier, really it is just the two of us, and I have an abundance of personal time.

  • Check_Your_Premises
    Can I have your letter and just address it to my husband


    Feel free. That is one of the reasons I posted it. First I wanted Jgnat's opinion, and Blondie's if she happened upon it. Secondly I wanted womanly opinions in general. Usually my message get's lost in the feelings it invokes. I needed some utereuses to give it a look for me.

    Thirdly, I figured just about every ubm is dealing with this issue. I don't post most of my day to day stuff much anymore, but I figured it would come in handy for some.

    Please use it!!! Let me know how it is received.


  • Check_Your_Premises


    I had a question since you happened to be here.

    Doesn't it bother you that the org has so little advice for ubms, or their jw spouses? I mean seriously. Just like J said, all they are told is to be patient and undererstanding. All they told me was, "don't worry, it is not what you think?" and, "hey you could join to!!!".

    I think it would have been nice for someone to tell my wife that she needs to really talk to me and try to understand how this is affecting me. Or tell her that she shouldn't let the fact that I am not a witness cause her to assume I am a bad person. It would have been nice for someone to tell me that it is common for a ubm to feel that their spouse is marrying someone else, and that those feelings can build to the point where it can threaten our marriage if I don't talk about it with my wife.

    They don't want to say that those things because it points out just how unloving the org can be. The fact of the matter is that those situations arise often, and do destroy marriages.

    It just seems that the one and only visible organization of the all knowing God would be more sensetive and have more advice to those marriages that are under so much stress?

  • jgnat

    It is so important to eloquently describe the loss you suffer with the JW's entering your life. I watched one of those on-stage rehearsals (I forget what they are called), where a JW played a "worldly" relative complaining that they never see their JW sister any more at family events. The JW sister explained that she still loves her "worldly" relative, that it is not personal, and showed her some scriptures about her duties towards Jehovah. The "worldly" relative replied lamely, "Oh, I didn't realize that", and it ended well.



    That's how it goes down, right. Sure. The non-JW family may eventually resign themselves to their loved-ones' absence, but I can guarantee they never are happy about it. Yet another lie the WTBTS feeds their followers, that they are somehow providing a "spiritual example" to their "unbelieving" relatives.

    I think the JW's swallow the lie because the alternative is devastating. They are eroding or destroying former relationships by courting the society. It takes a brave person to face up to the injury they have caused and try and repair it later. It's sunspot, isn't it, who is just now managing to repair some bridges? Painful stuff.

  • 144001


    Nice letter, and best of luck to you. I hope it works, but I think you're wise enough not to underestimate the brainwashing capabilities of the Watchtower. As an UBM, you are: [1] a person who should be converted to an active JW; or [2] a person who is evil and should be accorded minimal tolerance; or [3] a person who should be discarded by your wife. That's what the Watchtower will be burning into your wife's brain.

  • garybuss

    Either we have a live together or we have a life apart. Which is it going to be?
    If we have a life apart, will we live together or will we live apart?
    If we live apart . . . leave.
    If we live together, here’s my living plan.
    Sunday, fun day with or without you.
    Monday, fun day with or without you.
    Tuesday, fun day with or without you.
    Wednesday, fun day with or without you.
    Thursday, fun day with or without you.
    Friday, fun day with or without you.
    Saturday, fun day with or without you.
    Any questions?

  • MonkeyPrincess

    My husband was in your same position, and with his help, love and concern, i am out now. We have never been happier, so there is hope.. i am living proof.
    I really hope she reads your letter and takes it to heart. If my husband had written that to me, it would have stopped me in my tracks. I hope she does read it and you are both able to communicate your feelings to eachother.
    Good Luck, i hope it happens the way you want it to.


  • GoingGoingGone

    Hi !

    I'm new here, so in case you don't know, I'm in the process of exiting after being a JW for 34 years...Used to be a pioneer... My husband's an elder, and has absolutely no intention of leaving. I haven't been to a meeting for a year.

    I thought your letter was great. I was just wondering, why do you object to your wife's joining the JWs? (Believe me, I know all the reasons!) Maybe you should sit down and actually list them for yourself, think through each one, and then show them to her. Your wife has been spoon-fed all the WT propaganda, and she believes it. If you can carefully point out your concerns, maybe she will listen.

    Personally, I had had doubts for years. After decades in the WT, I finally allowed myself enough freedom of thought to question the things that I found in their teachings that didn't add up to what I read in the bible. But when I happened upon an 'apostate' site that listed all their failed 'Prophecies', with excerpts from their own literature, that was the beginning of the end for me. I wish that someone had been there to point all those things out to me years ago.

    Good luck!


Share this