Chemo begins today

outnfree

So, I've been sitting at the computer all night long, not really panicked, but definitely disturbed at the thought of what the months to come will entail.

The port-a-cath was "installed" (surgically) on Monday, and that was tough. Somehow the lumpectomy last month and even finding out that there was lymph node involvement was okay. Scary, but okay. The surgeon was took out the bad stuff that day and a plan began to unfold to get me well again.

To the contrary, on Monday I felt as though I was ennabling the subsequent attacks on my blood and immune system that the chemicals will engender. I keep trying to think of chemotherapy as a GOOD thing, ensuring that the cancer is "vacuumed" out of my body, but it's just no good. Instead, I think of how invasive the entire process will be and it just sucks.

I am trusting my gut and am fortunate to have found an oncologist who is mindful of the special situation my family history brings to bear on my treatment. She is working with me to do an unconventional, technically "incomplete," treatment protocol, and I'm still sitting here having my very own pity-party!!!!

Perhaps it's the not knowing how my body is actually going to react to today's chemotherapy. I don't know. I DO know that the hair loss aspect is also weighing on me. Although I've bought not one, but two, wigs already, and tomorrow I will order some scarves and turbans--I just don't have the confidence to pull off Sinead's bald look.

I went away last week to Sedona, AZ and it was lovely--stunning countryside, very peaceful! I got the sense that I needed to remember how things have been working in miraculous ways since April and that I WILL come out of this okay on the other side of chemo and radiation. A year can go by quickly and I've surely wasted more than one year in my life (think all those years of belonging to JWdom! lol). Yet, I'm still distraught. And in tears. And asking the inevitable, but ultimately pointless, "Why me?"

I can't sleep, but the minutes tick inexorably on until daylight, a shower, and waking Lena so she can drive me to my appointment. As I supported her earlier this year with her brain surgery, she is supporting me with my fight against breast cancer. I am lucky. I am blessed in many ways. So why do I feel so utterly alone depsite the love and prayers and actions of so many?

tijkmo

i dont know who you are..but i hope all goes well

this too will pass

prophecor

I know you not either, Out n Free, then again, I don't feel I need to. Our common bond as once were witnesses, hopefully should be enough. I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery.

Respect

Art

squinks

Outnfree,

I did not know this was going on with you. I must have missed a thread. I feel just awful for you.

I can understand how you feel about the chemo. The idea of putting into your body something that you know will make you sick, well its just contrary to the natural instinct to protect oneself.

But it does sound like you are casting around for a way to wrap your brain around it. I do think you will succeed with that. I have heard of some books written by kids with cancer, the kids used visualization to help them cope. Kids can teach us so much because they just say what we cannot or have forgotten how to say.

Please keep us informed, I would feel honored to be at your disposal when you need to talk.

Deb

Black Sheep

I haven't been around a lot either and may have missed a thread.

I don't envy you. Chemo is not an option I would take, but I'm a nutcase and have a certificate to prove it.

I really hope all goes well for you.

Wishing you all the best

Chris

Xandria

Brenda:

Cancer is a hard thing to deal with and even the threat of it is scary. When my step mom was going through her chemo~ chewing gum helped deal with the taste.

All I can say to you is take one day at a time. You will feel like why me? That is a normal reaction, you will go through several stages from pity to anger to acceptance of what will be. The key many people found to dealing with cancer is humor, laughter, love and positive thought processes. I am not saying you won't feel overwhelmed or scared or even alone. But you can over come those overwhelming feelings with reaching out and finding a comfort place. Knowing that there are people who love and care helps so much.

Just know you aren't alone, you aren't without options in trying to heal and battle this cancer.

Some resources:

X.

http://www.gildasclub.org

http://www.komen.org

http://www.healthsearches.org/Categories_of_Q&A/Integrative_&_Alternative_Medicine/1336.php

http://www.breastcancertalk.org

http://www.faithhopelove.biz/relaxation%20for%20cancer%20patients%20healing%20words.htm

LittleToe

Hi Brenda:
You know you have a fight ahead - good days and bad days - chemo is a double edged sword! Your family has dealt with so much, this last while, and you are often in my thoughts.

I have a friend whose wife has recently had a lumpectomy and is currently undergoing chemo. She's on her third dose, which has made her a little sick, but the first two weren't too bad at all! I'm telling you that, hopefully to encourage you that there's a wide range of reactions to it. You are going to remain very much part of my thoughts and prayers.

It's daunting, but you're a fighter

(((hugs)))

AK - Jeff

outnfree - I have not had anyone real close to me that has dealt with this battle - so I have no history to aid you.Just know that we all hope for a full recovery.

We are in Indiana, perhaps not too far from you. Wifey and I would be happy to be there for you if we can.

Jeff

Dansk

Hi Brenda,

I wish you well in your chosen course. It has been proven that if one prepares oneself before chemotherapy by relaxing and THEN imagines (really concentrate) that as the chemo is being administered into one's body it is wonderfully good and will seek out and kill the cancer cells but that the normal cells will be healthy and strong one will actually come out of it a winner. Read Getting Well Again by Stephanie Matthews-Simonton, O. Carl Simonton, M.D. and James L. Creighton. You need to visualise the chemo actually attacking the cancer cells and destroying them. The book explains all.

I would also strongly recommend that you read the book You Can Conquer Cancer by Ian Gawler. It is THE best book I've ever read for inspiring cancer sufferers to get well again. Ian Gawler had only two weeks to live from his cancer - and that was 25 years ago!!!!!! So, as you can see, the illness is a journey not a death sentence. I have learnt so much from my own disease and am all the better for it.

Of course you are going to have moments of fear and anxiety - I've been there ! - but rest assured you CAN beat the disease, and with the forum behind you as well everything is sure to turn out fine. There has been so much progress treating breast cancer these last few years.

We're all right behind you.

Love and (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))),

Ian

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Scully

(((( Brenda ))))

You are a strong spirited lady; I've always admired you for those qualities. I just know you'll pull through this and find some way to use your experience to help other people around you.

Look Good, Feel Better is a charitable program developed by people in the cosmetics industry to help women who are surviving and living with cancer, coping with chemotherapy and altered body image that many people experience after cancer surgery and treatment. It's worth looking at - there is also a Let's Talk forum and Message Board where questions about chemotherapy and how it affects your appearance are addressed. They also have amazing fund raisers (a bunch of my colleagues and I have gone to these) at various locations of The Bay - it's lots of fun to dress up and attend and try all the different cosmetics and get a makeover done.

You have a lot of friends here who love you and are rooting for you all over the world!

Love, Scully

Chemo begins today

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