by Thegoodgirl 66 Replies latest social relationships
First of all, welcome to the forum!
As for your situation, just take his word (and the word of everyone else for now). When he gets home, keep an eye on his behavior and his actions. If his behavior toward you changes in any way, then you have a right to be suspicious.
If his actions don't change, he was most likely telling the truth.
There's no way you're going to find out immediately. Time will reveal things.
I think he's innocent. Stupid and thoughtless - but innocent.
Let me explain my reasoning. He told you before he left that he thought the other two were likely to hook up. Now this means one of two things. Either, he genuinely thought the other two were likely to hook up, or he was covering himself in case you found out the girl slept in the same room as him.
Now, if he'd gone to all the trouble to prepare an alibi like that at the start, he would likely have gone to the trouble of telling the girl not to answer the phone. The fact that he didn't suggests that he didn't plan anything.
Now, of course it may be that there was something going on and the girl wanted you to find out about it but most likely it was innocent and your husband was unexpectedly put in an uncomfortable situation. He made the wrong decision but we all do that from time to time.
Give him the benefit of the doubt, but let him know that if you find out something was going on, or he ever does anything like that again, you'll cut his balls off.
Well, I really appreciate everyone. I kind of asked one of our mutual friends who has seen him at outings, etc when I haven't been there and she knows all people involved. She says the story really does seem likely and that she has never seen him act like a cheating husband in any way. So I'm sort of glad I got a fuller story, and do feel better about it. But like lots of you said, it is a red flag and I do need to keep my eyes open. But I sort of beleive him, and like FunkyDerek said, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt right now. (But I will cut his balls off if any of it is not innocent.)
OK -- nobody else has mentioned this, but getting to the bottom of this could be important to your sexual health. If he DID cheat on you, can you be sure that he is not bringing home some STD that might affect your ability to have children in the future should you so desire? How well do you know the woman co-worker and her sexual history? Does your husband use condoms or has birth control historically been YOUR responsibility? Because if it's always all been on you, he may not want to use condoms now.
I smell a rat, personally, and I am very sorry for you, good girl. My response might be colored by my own recent experiences with a cheating husband, but I never in my life suspected my husband would be capable of such betrayal. I trusted him completely for over 20 years and many business trips.
I think it perfectly possible that she answered the phone because SHE wanted you to know that she was sleeping with your husband. She brazenly phoned your home to push him to come along even after (especially after?) she knew you wouldn't be there. Would you ever consider doing that?!
Are they out of town ON business? Hotel expense should have been no problem, if so. If not, I second the poster who asked you if getting another hotel room would have broken the bank for the two of you.
And MY husband told me it wasn't what I thought it was when we first discussed it, too. But he was lying through his teeth.
Yep, red flags all over the place. And I sense that you keep wanting to believe his explanations, but deep in your gut don't really believe him at all. It's very hard to get the trust back. I knew I would never be comfortable again if he disappeared for more than a couple of hours without my knowing where he was and with whom. You need to consider if you could be happy living like that.
((((goodgirl))))
outnfree
I have to agree as a red blooded male that it is possible that this is wholly innocent but the red flags for me is the fact that it wouldnt have been hard to make some other arrangements or to at least force the issue that the room arrangements stayed as planned and to tell his colleague that he would have to tie a knot in it for that evening.
I feel for your situation but I have to admit it would cause me to look twice at the situation...however I hope he is being honest with you and that he is worth the benefit of the doubt on this...its a tough situation.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
DB
I am an extremely possessive and jealous person who is trying to tone it down as my jealousy has spoilt many occassions for us and my boyfriend has says it makes him feel like shit that I think so lowly of him.
I could barely read this and all the posts in response, but you know what i believe your husband. I just don't think they'd hand over the phone so casually and that he wouldn't immediately sound nervous on the phone and start making excuses. So I agree with funkyderek.
However in your position I would be shaking, hysterical and furiously angry. I would like to think my boyfriend would be way to afraid of the consequences of doing anything extracurricular. I dumped my last boyfriend of 3 years just because he had kissed somebody - I knew he had even though he denied it. I think the way you can tell is that a man cannot help grinning a little like a schoolboy when confronted - its a nervous tic and not actually restricted to men as I have found myself at it when I've been foolish enough to lie about my own misdemeanours. Its a horrible grin and probably the most unpleasant look on another human being's face - well to me anyway, which is why I resolved never to lie like that again and better still never to be unfaithful again.
Next weekend my boyfriend has a work do and is staying at a hotel afterwards even though its only 20 minutes home in a taxi - I have been very unhappy about this and made it clear since I found out about it and it was causing terrible arguments. So now I have gone on the charm offensive - I don't think he wants to stay over so he can cheat with the only female who works in his office, but you can't help that niggle.
Like you I am afraid that the whole intense JW thing of no platonic relationships with the opp sex and chaperones for the most innocent things like my Dad taking an 80 year old sister home from a meeting requiring me to babysit them has warped us a little. We were taught jealousy from the very beginning so we can;t help being a bit more than normal. The way I see it is that I would rather be a little jealous than complacent and smug and the last to know if something is going on with my partner. To that end I do take measures discreetly and make it my business to know and get on with all of my boyfriends work mates and friends, never unless I absolutely have no choice throw up going out on a night out with him when I am invited. I also admit to checking all receipts although this isnt through jealousy 100% - I have to do it to make sure he keeps all the ones relating to work expenses which are frequent, and I do check his phone in front of him. I don't do it as if I'm checking I just have a quick look whilst popping it on to charge for him or to delete some old texts of mine to make room for new ones. So do what you can to check on him, and I would say unless the mutual friend you have spoken to has her own personal agenda then the best testament is what other people - your friends say about his general behaviour when you aren't there.
Trust your gut instinct, but gut instinct isn;t the same as irrational fears - so learn to discern between the two and when you can't do a little private detective work of your own. Its not failsafe and I am not for one moment saying your suspicions in this case are irrational. I would be initially ballistic, as I was when I read this but then I read again and I do think whilst he has been very unwise indeed (and I would say you were unwise too, even though properly motivated, to encourage him go if you know there would just be 4 people 2 of each gender) I think he sounds innocent. You'll know when you see him whether he was true to you or not, unless he is well practiced at this.
Don't panic, be loving and it is possible to sleep in the same room with the opposite sex and not do anything because I have done dozens of times - maybe I'm just not that sexy! EEEK
Hugs and let us know how things are when he gets home!
(But I will cut his balls off if any of it is not innocent.)
Now that's what I'm talkin bout!
u/d
I'd say I smell fish
Dismembered
"Don't you go dyin' on me now"
Next weekend my boyfriend has a work do and is staying at a hotel afterwards even though its only 20 minutes home in a taxi -
Well, he came home last night and I made him sit down and re-explain everything face-to-face, and I tell you, I really believe he is innocent. Crumpet, you said what I was trying to get at about all the chaperone rules that we used to have, etc. But it's still of course inappropriate to do certain things, like sleep in the same hotel room, etc. (Hope things work out with your man.) At any rate, always good to not be too naive. Thank you all so much, this past weekend was so stressful for me and one of the worst, I was so glad to have some other people to bounce ideas off of. I'm often "lurking", but I'm going to start posting more, cause you guys are real nice! ((((A hug back to you all.))))
