want to get close to people but always back off !!! (page 2)

lazyslob

I don´t have the trust problem. My problem is that my social skills sucks big time.

rebel8

Is it possible your interactions with others are "normal", but you think it's distant because you're used to enmeshed relationships like you had with the other b0rg? Just a thought.

I think being a bit guarded might be NORMAL, think about it. When you were first introduced to a Witness in the congregation you had this weird thought that everyone was best friends right away. You had this thought that you could TRUST anyone in the kingdom hall, that all witnesses were the most loyal, the most honest, the most trustworthy. After all they were being led and had the blessing of Jehovah God.

You were also ingrained to believe that all worldly people had disapproval from God, which means they were with Satan. There was no fence, no grey areas... you were either IN or OUT.

So, after a while you start realizing that the Witnesses in the hall aren't your best friends, some of them are immoral, dishonest, untrustworthy, and you really don't share common interests, you don't have any fun with them, in fact the only common interest between you is that you are in the same location on Tues, Thurs and Sundays. After leaving you might realize there are GOOD people out in the "world" and you are sooo conflicted, it goes against what you were taught.

It just takes time to get to the point where you judge and evaluate people on a case by case basis. To connect with others. To make friends, and to be a friend. It is hard at times, I made a lot of my best friends through a book club, I have other friends that I have met from my husbands job. BUT the thing is, you don't connect with everyone in life, that is a falacy. Witnesses make it so cultish when they say that Jehovah's organization is one big happy family. That is bullcrap. I was there, when my mom got sick there was no one around to help me, to support us, to even bring a casserole over. But in my new and improved life if I tell someone something bad is going on, I find a card in the mailbox a few days later.

It's all about adjusting your thinking in your brain, the feelings in your heart will follow in time. You will get there.

wanderlustguy

Another thing that makes it hard is having to learn to NOT live a double life. You almost feel naked having everything out in the open and nothing going on in the background...or at least I do.

mtbatoon

Ditto to all thoughts who still find it hard to make relationships. 20 years out and still finding it hard, my biggest problem isn't ?making friends? as such but generally deeling with people and not seeing them as evil and untrustworthy. JustTickledPink is right though it's not a reserve of exJWs just a natural reaction that's been played upon and enhanced. If you want an cure so you never have the problem again pass it on will you. Till then what takes more courage, knocking on a strangers door to promote a magazine publishing company or opening up yourself a bit to forge a relationship? See not all conditionings detrimental.

Gretchen956

I've been out for 14 years, I still struggle with this. I think that part of it is trust, part of it is that our social skills were never developed, as for myself I have always considered myself socially "retarded". I tend to make a few very close friends rather than a large circle of more superficial friends. Yes, I do think it is an exaggeration of a natural tendency. Counseling does help, but even reaching out, as you are doing helps.

Good luck!

Sherry

(oh by the way, typing in all caps is considered shouting and can be very irritating to some) --thanks

zman

Its hard, I have a big problem with it. As soon as I get close to a girl or just friends I bail, this last time I moved 1200 miles. I'am movin 400 miles in a month or so, I hope I can fix this but its been 6 years. I tell people at the start, one day I will just up and move and I do. I think we have been so programed that you just assume if you are not a witness you are going to be alone. So we take actions to make it that way. For me the group who is sposed to be there for you, the group you learn relationships from your family is nonexistant. So with out that basis for love how do you form other relationships? I hope you work things out, you are not alone (and don't have to be). zman

JustTickledPink

One more thing,

We were all told, programmed, conditioned, and believed that Armeggedon was coming. Death and destruction were around the corner, we weren't to form relationships because everything was to be destroyed. It's hard when a person such as myself wakes up from 19 years of being raised like that, home schooled, in fact everything I ingested for the first 19 years of my life was JW and to finally realize that the end ISN'T coming means you have to put down roots, you have to form relationships. Before it was like living on top of quicksand because it was going to be taken away any day.

Start thinking in terms of there is no end.

doogie

For me I think a whole lot of the problem lies in the control I continue to let the jw's have over my mind and personal judgement. I think if I erased the jws from my mind (hypothetically) then I wouldn't view people as a threat so much.

i hear ya, man. i have terrible social skills and i have trouble getting close to people since i left. i used to think what you said above, like there was a wall preventing me from accessing my social skills. well, i knocked the wall down and realized there were no real social skills back there to begin with. its kind of depressing.

talesin

Here`s a thought that might help.

After realizing I had to learn all this s**... err, stuff, I thought of an analogy.

If you grew up in Canada, and only learned how to speak English or French all your life, what would happen if you were suddenly air-lifted to China. Would you expect to speak Chinese fluently, instantly - of course not! You would have a learning curve, probably at least many months, if not decades!

So why would I feel stupid because I need to learn these skills, this different social language, that I was never taught.

That is when I relaxed, and realized that it was okay, it would come with time and lots of hard work. Thriving, not just surviving, is important, and I have been learning this `new language`. It`s not so hard, it gets easier every day, month, year, etc. :)

want to get close to people but always back off !!!

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