ithinkisee-
I know how hard it is to be there at the meetings with all those believers, knowing that it's a cult and I don't belong there and I don't believe a word of it. It feels wrong. So, I can't say anything. I don't get involved in the normal activities, commenting or giving talks, and I really don't even talk to anybody. The only reason I'm there (once in a while, anyway) is for my family, and I understand now that I can't talk to them about anything either. They are always trying to get a feel for my current spirituality level, so I have become an expert at changing the subject.
When I first started figuring out it was a cult, I felt like you do. Like I was an infiltrator or something. I guess I would feel better if I could keep it real. But somehow I don't feel guilty about it anymore. Cults are everywhere and people get trapped in them and this is just another one of them, it's not my fault and I don't owe them anything. My family may never leave it but I've tried and it's not my fault if they never do.
It's words like "double-life" and "hypocrite" that can get to you sometimes, but what kind of allegiance do you owe a cult, anyway? I'm giving my family way more patience than I would ever expect from them, hell I'm cheating myself of some of my freedom. Self-protection and preservation is also important to consider, like the changing jobs analogy someone else mentioned.