>> you seem more worried about the JW then what you did
How about we hold off on the "how could you?!?"'s until he at least clears a few hurdles?
There's no doubt he feels like crap. But that's one of the many screwed up things about this religion. Right when he and his wife need to rebuild their relationship, they are also going to have to endure either the guilt of not going to the elders, or the two-three week judicial process. The wife will be torn between being so angry at him and feeling so sorry for him as he pours his heart out trying not to get DF'd. No doubt he's thinking about the possible shame and sorrow SHE will face if HE gets DF'd.
That shouldn't be on the table at all. They should be privately dealing with this family tragedy, with appropriate counseling as THEY see fit. Instead they have to also bear the judicial burden.