disfellowship or disassociate

by Odrade 42 Replies latest members private

• 

  seattleniceguy

  Hi Odrade,

  Sometimes I regret DA'ing when I see the people who managed a slow fade and who, amazingly, still have contact with their friends and family. On reflection, though, still having those things would be bittersweet for me, since the level of true human interaction I could have with such people would be incredibly limited. DA'ing allowed me to do three things: 1) Make a clear, unmistakable vote. 2) Make a clean, pyschological break. 3) Instantaneously stop worrying that I might be seen doing something that could be construed as apostate.

  It has worked for me. I am very happy with where I am, and I hope that my vote has had an effect on the people still inside who know me.

  Just my two cents.

  SNG
• 

  Euphemism

  As you know, Meia and I first tried a fade; after that didn't work, we tried baptism nullification, but the elders decided to announce that we had DA'ed.

  Although I had tried to avoid that eventuality for the sake of family, I actually felt a huge sense of freedom and relief when it finally happened. No more having to avoid calls or visits; nor more having to duck.

  There's also a psychological advantage to DAing in that you're choosing the time when it all ends, instead of waiting for the axe to fall.

  At the same time, you two have already been fading for so long, that there seems to be little point to taking the sudden step of DAing out of the blue. If you're in a position to simply live your life as you wish, and let the elders do what they will, that seems like the simplest and most straightfoward course.
• 

  Odrade

  Thanks everyone for the continuing comments on this issue. I know many have this choice on the table and it is a difficult one. Amazingly, here it is just a few days until the JW memorial, and we have received only one direct invite (from my dad.) I was kind of vague in my answer, but I imagine he will want to have a discussion about it later when we don't show.

  I have decided that I will not go out of my way to display my opinions or activities that may be against their belief, but if asked I will be honest. If that results in action against me, it will have to be instigated and carried out by people other than me. In the meantime, I can decide not to have that noose around my neck anymore, regardless of whether my "status" at the hall remains "inactive" or becomes df'd or da'd. There is only one family member that is a bit of a wild card, but I don't think any others would force the issue, and as others have mentioned, we have a well-established fade, having been away from the hall that holds our cards for over a year and a half, and from any JW meeting or function for a year.

  Judging from past efforts to contact us (around assembly times, CO visits, or when a family member was giving a talk) I had anticipated an onslaught, or at least enough contact and invites to bring the whole situation to a head. But the fact is, all who had previously tried to get in touch with us have been strangely silent, and my one invitation didn't come until just yesterday. So I'm just going to sit back and let it play out. Besides, I'm busy. I don't have time to write a letter. Ha!

  O
• 

  LittleToe

  I recommend just leaving and getting on with your life. If the Elders get on your case, or call up at the door, just do what householders usually do. Say "Not today, thankyou", or "Not interested" before closing the door or putting the phone down. But say no more than that, so that they have no excuse to hang you with your own words.
  But the success of this approach requires that you get on with your life!!! (see Dansk's example)

  Personally I wanted closure, and suspected that they would chase me to the ends of the earth.
  I had attempted for some months to reason with family members, but it was worse than talking to a brick wall. They effectively put a door-frame around me and started trying to preach to me like I was a househoulder - real "Reasoning Book" stuff. I laughed and commented on that, given that I knew the book backwards and used it regularly. I asked them to try a new approach, which resulted in owl-like eye-blinking.

  I finally decided to go for the shock method, in a last ditch attempt, so I DA'ed at the end of my last (doh!) Public Talk.

  Life is good, and getting better!
• 

  Winston Smith :>D

  Hi odrade!

  I was thinking again about this post and I wanted to share some additional thoughts RE: DA or DF.

  When I was Regular Pioneering, I remember working with one CO who was miserable. It seemed he hated being a CO.

  And I wondered to myself this morning:

  "I wonder if that CO was starting to see the 'Truth' for what it really was, and now regretted investing his whole life into it."

  It would be like waking up and being told one day that the WTS was really a Multi-Level Marketing scam like Amway or Mary Kay

  [Not ripping on these two groups if that's your bag BTW]

  OMG would that suck.

  But that is EXACTLY what happened to all of us. We realized that the WTS is just a money making corporation that prints literature, and nothing else.

  Then I looked back at that CO and viewed him as, not a man to be respected, but a poor, pathetic man with no more power over me than an Amway salesman.

  How would you handle leaving Amway?

  Of course, famly shunning throws a different twist on things. But sometimes people need to be shown that there is someting wrong.

  Telling someone that they are part of a paper-tiger, money making cult is one thing.

  Taking action because of that belief speaks volumes to that viewpoint IMO.

  Take care.
• 

  Special K

  Winson

  Interesting,

  True when I think of it that way, which I haven't before. Think of these ones as Amway or Mary Kay salespeople and they loose all that invisible power.

  It's kind of like coming to realize that you were on the bottom of a money making scheme. sort of makes you feel used but also then after healing from them makes it easier to feel sorry for those who are still in.

  It's not the individual elder or PO or CO that is the problem.. It's the very top the Governing Body that packages the product and pushes ones out to peddle it.

  In a way I feel sorry for J.W.'s .. but most of them don't even know they are being misled and they think they are happy...

  mind boggling sometimes.

  Special K
• 

  Puternut

  Eventhough DF and DA have the same consequenses, in the eyes of the society, DA is looked upon as more severe. DA is something the YOU do. So you are the rebelious one, and decide to leave the organization, and turn your back on them. DF is THEIR action. Eventhough severe, since THEY are the ones to take that action, they are the ones who can reverse that faster, IF a person decided to go back.

  Some have faded, yet they live with the elders' efforts to hunt you down. Some are very successful at escaping their clutches, yet it's a game. And it can become exhausting and draining.

  Much is at stake with family and friends, in whatever a person decides. But no one can live for others. A person needs to remember that it's THEIR life. And to be haunted by an organization for years, to have guilt imposed, or emotional stresses rehashed, is something no organization has a right to do. So, each will have to decide what is best for them, given all the circumstances. It's a tough choice to make. But once decided on, it's a relief to be freed from the WT, and go on with your own life.

  Puternut
• 

  Princess

  When the elders came by on their witch hunt, six years after we had attended our last meeting, they asked why we didn't just DA ourselves. Steve told them it was because we didn't want our very last dealing with the WTS to be following one of their own rules. We weren't a part of it anymore, had no intention of going back, so why would be jump through one more of their hoops? They got the point but it seemed kind of offensive to them.

  They announced our DA a year ago in January. We attended the meeting just to hear it for ourselves. Of course, we dressed up in our finest. Steve wore jeans and t-shirt. I wore low rider jeans so my tattoo and belly piercing showed. We didn't want to create a stir.

  It was annoying that they announced it as a DA since we made it very clear to them that it was THEIR decision. We did not ASK them to do it. When they told us they were going to DA us we told them "that is YOUR decision, not OURS, do what YOU have to do."
• 

  Mulan

  It would be like waking up and being told one day that the WTS was really a Multi-Level Marketing scam like Amway or Mary Kay

  It is exactly that. One of my non JW friends used to study with the JW's and was also very high up in one of the MLM companies. She told them she thought it was really neat to be
  "network marketing" your religion. They were offended but I thought it was great...............a very true analogy.
• 

  Winston Smith :>D

  Hummmm, glad some find the MLM analogy fitting.

  The things one ponders while showering in the morning