A question for all women that were raised in the "truth"

by codeblue 61 Replies latest jw experiences

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  codeblue

  LIttle Toe:

  Thanks for your supportive words about the cause of low self esteem. You seem like a really caring, intelligent guy, that really understands human feelings.

  Just a guy? Don't put yourself down..I wish more guys would be like you!!!

  Joanna:

  I appreciate your post here as well. I can identify with the part about never wanting to be an elder's wife, or pioneer. I just wanted to be "me"...I remember liking a "hot" brother and was at a party one night. Things were going well until he asked the question: "are you a pioneer?" When I said "no"...he quickly dropped me like a hot potato...Sure made me feel "unworthy".

  You sound a lot like me, I am always afraid to try something new in fear of "failure". I heard an interesting comment from an inciteful person recently: "You have already failed if you haven't tried." Now that comment stopped me in my tracts...I am sure your aren't a failure as you perceive. You write beautifully from the heart and seem to be very caring as well. Like I said to LT: I wish more people were like you!!!

  Aztec:

  Wow...you are surely a strong person...I admire you for your positive thinking...You have come far in life with the obstacles you have had to endure...

  Codeblue
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  Country Girl

  I was never good enough. I was my Mother's first born. She wasn't a Witness then, but she still felt bad that she *had* to marry my Father because it was the late 50's, and she didn't want anyone to know she *did it* before she got married. I'm sure everyone knew, however, because I was born only six months after they married. I asked her about that once and she told me to mind my own business. HOW RUDE! My Father told me later that she always resented that I was born because she *had* to marry him, not the man of her dreams.

  Knowing that she married BECAUSE of me made everything pretty clear to me. After all my brothers were born, one right after the other (four of them in 8 years) it became clear to me what my primary purpose for her was: babysitter and babysitter. I raised all the boys and was primarily responsible for them while she went out and preached the good news. She started me watching them, alone, at the house, when I was around 8 years old. I can honestly say that some of my brothers think of me as their mother these days. I taught them to read, spell, and have manners. My brothers adore me, and for that I am glad. My Mother is another case.

  She never liked me, and was alwys highly critical of me. She never hugged or kissed me, or even said "I am proud of you." She was very non-forthcoming with praise, whether it was deserved or not. I was a very talented kid. I got a place on the local newspaper at 15, writing and cartooning. Not once did I hear praise from her, just critiques of how I could do better. I was a good writer, and still am!

  I am not sure if I will ever have a very good relationshipo with my Mother. I guess it doesn't matter at this point. WHen you are used to being alone, you just get used to it.

  CG
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  nilfun

  As a girl being 'raised in it', I learned/saw that JW women in general are a disenfranchised group.

  There was no meaningful counterbalance at home to counteract the effect such blatant misogyny had on me as a child.

  As a child, my reality was that only the adults had the power over my circumstances, over my very feelings.

  It is taking a lot to reclaim myself from that experience.
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  Insomniac

  I still maintain that , while our experiences, even the really awful ones, help to shape us, ultimately we have the power to choose-self love or self hatred. Whenever I start dwelling on my bad childhood, I look in the mirror and remind myself that I'm all grown up. I refuse to accept this label of "victim" and I can't see why so many of us want to cling to it! Isn't SURVIVOR a hell of a lot more positive?

  Please understand, I feel for everyone here who is in pain, but I hope they can learn to embrace their own strength and move on. The past is unchangeable, but let's not let it destroy the present.
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  Sentinel

  Because of the era I was born into (WWII baby) I believe that girl babies were looked down upon. So many young men were lost in war, that families wanted males being born. So, right away, I felt like I wasn't what they really wanted, but that oh well, they would go ahead and let me stay, as long as I towed the mark and kept my mouth shut. ....seen, but not heard. This came from my paternal side of the family as well as my own father.

  So, I was molded into the submissive female, who should only speak when spoken to, and who was just not very important at all. Low self esteem followed me long before JW's. I have to admit that most religions, including JW's keep the woman at the low end of the stick.

  I think this is quite odd, especially when all human embrios begin as female.

  /<
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  nilfun

  I still maintain that , while our experiences, even the really awful ones, help to shape us, ultimately we have the power to choose-self love or self hatred.

  Yes, Insomniac, I agree, thus my words:

  As a child, my reality was that only the adults had the power over my circumstances, over my very feelings.

  That is not my reality now. I don't cling to the label of "victim" but I would be I liar if I said I never was one.

  Sometimes when the subject comes up, I may choose to talk about it. I hope no one takes that to mean that I am wallowing in self-pity or clinging to the label of "victim".

  The issue is complex, and each experience isn't identical. Some of us can look in the mirror and self-talk our way out of those feelings of low self-esteem. Others of us need more than that.
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  Gretchen956

  Sometimes when the subject comes up, I may choose to talk about it. I hope no one takes that to mean that I am wallowing in self-pity or clinging to the label of "victim".

  Perzakkly... I put this stuff behind me years ago, my life is great now. However that doesn't mean I can't talk about it. If you can't talk about it that in itself seems like a problem.

  In fact, I have been away for 13 years now. I only found this group about 3 months ago (if that). So I've thought about all of this JW stuff more in the last three months than in the last ten years all put together. Doesn't mean I'm wallowing in that either, but its interesting to see what you all have to say and to meet new people.

  Gretchen
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  codeblue

  Nilfun you said:

  The issue is complex, and each experience isn't identical. Some of us can look in the mirror and self talk our way out of those feelings of low self esteem. Others of us need more than that.

  I LOVED THAT COMMENT!!! You hit the issue right on it's head...I think many of us understand and agree with what you just said.

  Country Girl: I feel so bad for you...I can feel your pain. If you want a sister, I am there for you, pm. me anytime. One of the reasons I learned to praise my 2 sons was because I never received any praise from my parents or siblings. (Don't misunderstand me, my Mom was very loving..just too busy with being the family provider as my Dad couldn't work) My first husband was a real butt as well and he was a JW that cheated on me several times. He rarely told me I did anything good or was pretty...When I first started working and guys would tell me I was pretty, his response would be: "they only tell you that you are pretty cause they want to go to bed with you"...geez...thanks a lot!!! Now I am married to a wonderful guy who really appreciates me, but it is very hard to tell myself I am what he "sees"...

  I have learned a lot from so called "worldly people"...they have taught me I am worth a whole lot more than my family or any JW Kingdom hall I have ever been too. They have in the recent past helped me more than any JW's. When I started working, I was amazed how people "liked me"...their caring and love was "unconditional".

  ...NO, I don't wallow in any self pity...I started this thread to see if I was "alone" and why people felt the way they did raised in the JW religion. I am happy to see all of the responses, to know as a woman, that I am NOT ALONE in the way I have felt and very happy to see that life can and will go on in a positive way. Isn't that what we want for all of us? I know I do

  Codeblue
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  Courage

  I'm 23 yrs old and still have self esteem issues. I was raised a JW until I was 18yrs old. I never fit in the hall, because I wasn't baptized. My mother constantly compared me to other witness children. I always felt like an outcast and I wasn't good enough for anyone. Most of my family are JW's and my one cousin told my aunt that I shouldn't hang out with my other cousin because I was an bad example. So therefore I couldn't even escape the JW standards even in my own family. Pretty bad when your family thinks your worthless too.
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  seeitallclearlynow

  I wasn't exactly raised as a JW, but from the age of 15 on, I was "raised" by the congregation, since there was no one "bringing us up" or "raising" us at home from the time I was 13 and my sister was 15, and my brother was 11 (father left and Mom lived and worked and played at the local bar - but I love her). We kids contributed to the household "kitty" whatever we could earn babysitting or housesitting or housecleaning, helped pay the rent and food, and were glad to have a share. Since we did our own shopping, housework, and cooking - I did most of the cooking, 'cause they felt my food had the most flavor - I had pretty high self esteem, thinking what capable survivors we were.

  Once I became one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I became so proud of being among the relatively few who "knew the truth about God and everything else that mattered" (), that I didn't have low self esteem, or so I wasn't aware of it.

  While I was young and youngish, I actually felt that the Org represented Jehovah as loving women and elevating them to a rightful position of relative honor. I never felt looked down on for being a female, and I didn't feel anyone mistreated me. Once in awhile I'd run across some clueless young ministerial servant who would try to lord his maleness over on the women, but not often, and never among the older men.