Seeking advice

by Mizalisa 34 Replies latest jw friends

  • nonjwspouse

    Miz, I'm in your shoes, only I didn't find out about the real cult truth until years into our marriage and having a child.

    I must say, as wonderful of a person you think he is, DO NOT PURSUE THIS. He is mentally in. That is a deal breaker. Take it from someone now living the hell of being the "worldly person". My marriage has multiple issues, but many of them, ( the major ones) are a cause of his emotional stunting from the upbringing in the cult.

    Walk ( fast) away and remind yourself, you do not deserve a life of these constant issues the JW mindset brings. After 15 years of hoping and trying; giving it my best, I am worn down. I asked my husband to move out a couple weeks ago.

  • Mizalisa


    I'm sorry you're going through this. I am excited for what lies ahead for you as you heal and find peace.

    I think I know what you mean about the emotional stunting. My ex showed puzzling psychological patterns. At times he seemed almost sociopathic in his disregard for the feelings of others, but I realized it was just that he'd been so prejudiced to think of outsiders as less-than and sinful that he truly did not seem to realize we'd have morals at all. Especially women, whom he used like toilet paper. He seems childlike in his views, everything is black or white. He believes in demons. There's a paranoia to him, always thinking people are out to screw him over. He's deeply envious of one other filmmaker, sees the guy's success as a threat to his own, a zero sum game with only a handful of winners. Ugh. It is exhausting.

  • Giordano

    Hi and Welcome Mizalisa!

    Here is a short list of what is wrong about the JW religion.

    First off this is a 19th century religion with 19th century beliefs at it's core. There is no official position for women........ only men can be ministers or have a position of authority. Men are also the head of their household.

    1.On a fundamental level........ the JW's are a death cult. Yes....... they long for the destruction of billions of non JW believers in the battle of Armageddon which they keep saying is just around the corner. Been saying that for a hundred plus years.

    2. They hasten the death of their own believers with their ban on a life saving blood transfusion. Doesn't mater if it is a traumatic injury like a car accident or a fight to survive cancer. Under no conditions are you permitted to accept a blood transfusion. You can accept fractions of blood which is a poor substitute for whole blood. By the way no JW will donate their blood.

    If a JW does take blood they will be shunned for the rest of their life. Nothing like a little pressure when it comes to your private medical needs. By the way the brothers who will counsel you about the medical dangers of a blood transfusion will be the same guys cleaning your hospital windows. The JW's do have window cleaning down to a science.

    3. Higher education (anything above a high school diploma) is not encouraged. So in the Pew religious survey the JW's have the least higher education among ALL major religions. And they earn the Least income.

    Instead of seeking additional education or job skills........your average JW spends about 20 hours a week in preparing for and attending meetings and going out in field service (door knocking) and conducting bible studies if they are lucky enough to have one. Throw in the time spent volunteering to work on building a new Kingdom Hall or cleaning or repairing their own Kingdom Hall. Or attending 2 or 3 Assemblies each year but hey that's what vacations are all about.

    4. Pew also says they have the same divorce rate 11% as other religions.

    5. The JW's also have the highest rate of people leaving the religion. 67% of born-ins leave.

    6. And....... they have a huge pedophile problem. Their ancient 'two Witness' rule which dates back to the Old Testament makes it almost impossible to get rid of pedophiles.

    Never trust a JW they will not hesitate to lie to you. A lie in their reality is called theocratic warfare.

  • Mizalisa


    "a lie in their reality is theocratic warfare"

    BOOM! Yes. This.

    I've never known a better liar than this guy. He lied constantly. And utterly without remorse.

  • nonjwspouse

    Miz, there is a fragile narcissistic emotional mindset I have seen. It is covert, very difficult to put a finger on for a long time. Once I realized this puzzle pieces began to fit.

    After I asked him to move out, the mindset became very apparent and I saw it clearly for the first time. As if he was not trying to hide it anymore. It was heartbreaking, but also, again, like a puzzle piece fitting in.

    Thank you. I have a rough road ahead. I'm no spring chicken and my husband has convinced our 14 year old daughter that I have mental problems. Once I showed screenshots of his recent text conversations with our daughter, to our marriage therapist a week ago, ( my husband doesn't know I have these screenshots and I asked the therapist not to let him know how he saw this exchange) the therapist was quite disturbed and announced he wanted to work with just my husband for 4 to 6 weeks then bring us in as a couple again, and repeat this schedule for a while. I was thrilled to hear that as it was what I was wanting for years. The therapist was a bit snowed by my husband because he is so good at his double personality. I was beginning to look like the mentally off wife to the therapist. I began to see another therapist who sees what is really going on. I signed a permission form over a month ago for this couples therapist to speak with my therapist, but he has yet to do so.

    It's not easy to just wait for my daughter to see what life with her father alone is like. So far he has not gone back to the KH as far as I know since he tried to reenter the JW life back in 2011-2015. It's all a crap shoot right now. But I did make sure I educated our daughter very well on cult behavior ad dangers ( without mentioning the JW all that time.) After a few years she asked me if the JW were a cult, so she gets it. I feel much more confident that she is protected from any love bombing she may get if he does jump back in. ( He has not been baptized, which is why the relationship with his family remains good.)

    So I wait.....

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    Despite his good qualities, the fact that he wants to continue on with you in secret is evidence enough that he is not an honest man and he is very immature and cowardly (at least in this area). At this point he is incapable of being honest with himself let alone being honest enough with you, for you to invest any more time in him.

    He has been lying to his family and everyone he knows, so why wouldn't it be logical to conclude that he's lying to you about his feelings and his intent? In order for JW's to be JW's and believe the doctrines that they know are nonsense, they have to learn how to lie to themselves. To survive on a physiological level, they must become adept at denying any reality that conflicts with what they've been programmed to believe. They don't even know they are doing it.

    Hard as it may be at first, you've saved yourself missed opportunities with someone else and a lot of heartache down the road. Even if he were to suddenly come clean with his family tomorrow, I'd stay away from him until he has lived a good long stretch as a out of the closet non JW . It will take some time for him to find out who he really is, once he leaves. One of the things he may discover in the process, is his understanding of what constitutes a good relationship. You don't want to end up being the one who helps him make the transition out of the JW's only to find out that the growth he's experienced has moved him away from you.

  • Diogenesister

    Mizalisa this must be incredibly painful for you. If I may I recommend you reach out to this young lady. She will be able to help you in terms of finding someone who understands the your situation. She also happens to be a therapist herself.

    Check out stoptheshunning on Twitter.

  • GLTirebiter

    he has strung me along for years, never introduced me to anyone in his life.

    This alone is a huge red flag, no matter which religion he follows (or claims to not really follow).

  • joe134cd
  • OnTheWayOut

    My condolences on your loss of love. I just wanted to add that you should not be wanting to kick yourself for not realizing how "in" he still is. He was lying to himself as much as anything else.

    While it would be wonderful to help such a person, the most help was to leave and have him realize what he lost because he wasn't ready to look at it honestly.

    I wish you peace. Hey, there are a bunch of awesome single ex-Jehovah's Witnesses on this site. The vast majority of them will never go back. LOL, but you might just want to go out there and find someone not involved at all.

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