Seeking advice

by Mizalisa 34 Replies latest jw friends

  • Mizalisa

    Hello, all!

    I'm not a JW, nor was I raised JW. For the past three years I have been involved with a man who was raised JW, who at first told me he no longer believed as they did, but who, it has become clear over time, has not told his family or religious community the truth. He has strung me along for years, never introduced me to anyone in his life. He claims to love me but seems to want to keep me a secret. I'm so hurt and confused by all of it. He finally said he feels he can only be his authentic self with me, but he doesn't want to lose his family so he keeps his two worlds separate. He thinks once he is financially independent (he still lives with his parents) that then he will be honest with them and fully commit to me. What should I do? I feel so disrespected. How can he believe theirs is a loving God if he would be shunned for loving me?


  • Finkelstein

    Its just the way that certain religoius cults regulate their members, some are more controlling than others , the JWS cult is relatively high.

    Anyone who is or was deeply involved in this cult can see this very thing happening.

    You have my deepest sympathies.

  • Diogenesister

    Unfortunately he was raised in a cult and therefore if he tells his family about you they will go to the elders and he will be called to a Judicial hearing. At very best he will be told to give you up as a “worldly” girl and if he won’t he will be disfellowshipped and shunned by his family, his congregation his friends and everyone he has ever known. He will likely be thrown out of home, too. The chances are he will be immediately disfellowshipped if you have a physical relationship. They will view you as a tool of Satan.

    your boyfriend is playing the long game and hoping to what we call “fade”. That is he hopes to become financially independent and slowly lessen his association with the religion. Given enough time he will move away and establish his own life and if he’s lucky they won’t go after him and he may, if he’s lucky, get to keep some semblance of a relationship with his immediate family at least.

    He is in an impossible situation and I urge you to support him in this difficult journey if you truly care about his welfare.

  • days of future passed
    days of future passed

    It sounds like he is very reliant on financial help from his parents. You didn't say how old he is and what's the economic future for him where you live, so it's impossible to guess how many more years it will take for him to earn a living.

    It would have been better if he had confessed this to you in the beginning and since he didn't, you feel disrespected. I would say an honest talk about all the difficulties he expects and how it will impact you, is necessary.

    There is something you ought to know about those that leave this religion (even other ones too) is that unless they come to a conclusion that JW religion is false/hypocritical, they will always believe it in their hearts and it will influence them. Usually not in a good way.

    Only you know if you want to continue on.

  • Vanderhoven7

    Looks like he is between a rock and a hard place. If he reveals to his parents that he is dating a worldling (anyone who is not JW) he will probably end up disfellowshipped, lose family and friends, be shunned by them and kicked out of house and home. So my advice is, don't make this personal.

    However If you determine to contiue the secretive relationship till he gets a financial footing, you should find out If he is truly and totally mentally out of Watchtower religion. If he is still mentally in (e.g. still believes non-JWs will be destroyed at Armageddon) i would say run for the hills Gal.

  • Mizalisa

    Thank you all.

    He said he was out, at first. Then his career stalled. Now he's more in than out. He went to a convention with his siblings.

    He is 32. We met cowriting a screenplay. He is truly brilliant. But his family has zero respect for his aspirations in film. I'm the bridge to the person he was born to be. But he is so hooked into their world... I don't think he will ever escape.

    He seems confused.

    I love him so much. I want to help him. But it has been three years. He still hasn't introduced me to anyone in his world. Meanwhile, he's met my entire family and all my friends. They all know I love him.

    I think I need to move on, for my own sanity. 😔

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    yet another one of these stories. just how many more of these quasi-jdub males have bits on the side?

  • zeb

    Dear M,

    your own words say it.

    'He has strung me along for years,'

  • MightyV8

    Mizalisa I think I need to move on, for my own sanity.

    Spot on.

  • Vanderhoven7

    He is mentally in. His family and religion are more important than you will ever be. You are wasting precious time. All indicators are screaming it's time to run. He will try to hang on to his secret mistress.

    He will want to meet up with you to pull your emotional strings, declare his love and make future promises which he will not keep. Do not believe him for a second.

    Don't sell yourself short. Tell him to call you when he has a date to introduce you personally to his parents (he won't) and that until then you will be dating.

    After 3 years it's time for action, not words. Make your break and make it fast and permanent.

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