Favourite Comedy Quotes

LoveUniHateExams

I wanted to post a serious, profound quote in Stillin's thread but my mind went blank and I'm pretty crap with serious quotes anyway, so I put a jokey quote from the Red Dwarf computer Holly:

It's better to have loved and lost than to have listened to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

When a bemused Lister asks why, Holly replies "because anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John!"

This got me thinking, what are everyone's favourite comedy quotes?

Here's another one of mine, from The Office:

David Brent - "I will not have her tunnel bandied around this office ... willy nilly!"

Any more favourites?

steve2

My favorite quote:

"He is not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy" (from the Monty Python film, Life of Brian.)

JRK

"I tell ya, I don't get no respect. The other day Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door, and said they weren't interested." - Rodney Dangerfield

OneEyedJoe

Mitch Hedberg is responsible for a great many of my favorite comedic quotes/one-liners:

This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

And one of his that I always think of in relation to JWs, particularly the cart witnessing:

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

There's also a lot of good Mark Twain quotes out there, I think my favorite is:

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

So this pair of Jehovahs Witnesses are at the front door telling me that the Bible tells them what's going to happen in the future, and that God is overseeing this door-to-door preaching. What a lie that is, because he didn't even duck or block when I punched him in the face.

SafeAtHome

Never, no way have I ever been a Yankees baseball fan, but the late Yogi Berra came up with some really funny Berra-isms. My favorites:

(1) When you come to a fork in the road, take it. (2)You can observe a lot by just watching. (3) No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded. (4) Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. And maybe this one applies best to the JWs: We've made too many wrong mistakes!