I had a very similar childhood as Lady Lee. My father was abusive in almost everyway,,,,,not sure if there was actual sexual abuse but there were positions he put me in , circumstances.. so to speak, that were not for me to fill. He kicked me so hard one time for leaving one coke bottle in the far back of the bathroom closet, 100% perfection is what he expected. The kick was in my bottom and I lost all of my bladder control , this was at 15 years old . I was humiliated and when he left the room, my sister who witnessed it,,,,,was hiding in the corner,,,,,,all I could mumble were words that a 2 year old would say......... " I peed on me" .. as I cried ,,she and I hugged. I literally couldn't talk normally all day , I didnt tell my mother that day because she was high on her prescription pain pills.
I got beat almost every meeting from 4 to 12, for laughing or talking, drawing or falling asleep. I got hit with leather straps from the barn, ropes, electric cords, boots for very minor things , maybe even normal things as I see what my kids do. I would never think to hit them for laughing.
I watched my mother have her stomach pumped time and time again, calling out my name to help her, and I could only stand there and be strong and let the doctors save her. She went thru many years with a prescripton drug abuse problem.
Having to go to a doctor to check my virginity by the order of my father, to see if I had been touched the nite before when some guy who worked for him tried to do something to me at my dad's buisness party. That was very humiliating. I didnt consent to it, and knew I hadnt been touched, and he didnt believe me.
Seeing my mom lying , lifeless, on a cold steel autopsy table, her hair still wet from the river. Her face was one of terror,,,,,,,she looked like she wanted to scream. All that covered her was a white sheet.
To this day, I am terrifed of going to a person's house that has a white shower curtain, I wont go in there without the lite on. I guess I am afraid I will see my mother's face at the time she looked so bad.
I was thankful that once she was prepared for her funeral , they must have relaxed the muscles in her face to make her look like she was at least now at peace.
I can identify with Prisca alot on the father and step monster thing too. I was married at barely 18 so I was out of the house , when my dad took on his new hateful young wife, who wanted nothing to do with my sister or me. My poor sister , 3 years younger had to endure a few years at the home, where she was the one treated as an outsider, only allowed to have one glass of juice, a few grapes , buy her own shampoo, while they treated the new wife's younger daughter like a princess. I should have taken my little sister with me. I will regret that I didnt do that, although I am sure my dad would not have allowed that.
For 19 years I tried to catch a falling crumb of love from my father, only to find even that was given because I begged for it, not out of a willing heart. The step monster was evil. She didnt want me around and made sure my dad made the choice, her or us. We lost out along time ago, but we kept thinking he would show us love one day, it never happened.
Going thru adulthood, with depression, guilt, unhappiness because of being trapped by JW, and my own self.
Still walking thru this life wondering who I am , and trying to let the past go. I think I am finally beginning to find out who I am and that the things that happened were not my fault, I didnt deserve it, and other things were out of my control and I could not have changed the events that happened.
