here's background on me: i don't believe that God cares about me. i believe there could in all possibilities be a god, but he have an understanding he doesn't care about me i don't care about him. it's been working so far. but seriously i don't know what to believe. i believe in ME first and foremost. i believe that i have the ability to be anything- even god-like if that's what i choose.
my parents were contacted in '75 by a bethelite. they started studying and were baptised in 77. the 5 kids in my family were raised in a havily bethel influenced area (NY) i never really believed in what they were teaching me but i went along with it b/c that is what you did. i was baptised at the age of 13. would my parents let me get married at such an age? but i was allowed to make a life long dedication, that i am now being held to. i reg. pio. for a year after high school, went to pio school for 2 weeks, after that i never went out in fs again. i guess i felt that was it i paid my time. i was missing as many meetings as i could get away it. not commenting at whatever meetings i was going to. just coasting. another thing happened that i feel is important to note. this was in 96 i stopped automatically saying amen to the prayers said at the kh. acctually i stopped altogether. i wasn't able to leave yet i was still living at home. and dating a bethelite. but i started to mentally distance myself from the witnesses.
then dec. 10, 1998 happened. my little sister, sara, was driving to school and got into a collision. she ended up dying from esanguanation (bleeding out) wanna guess what she wasn't given? if guessed blood tranfusion you are right. my world of coasting was rocked. i couldnt do it anymore. if my life ended the next day iot would have all been a lie. within that year i was just trying to keep afloat. then i decided to move out of my parent's home and move 30 mins away. (they called the police one night on me b/c they didn't know where i wascome on now i was 21. i can be out and not have the police called!!) so i decided to move away. i was too close. my parents came and checked up on me in my apartment to make sure i was home. so i moved across the country. i moved to california.
while here i met a boy. he is the love of my life but unrelated to this story. except that at first my parents blamed him for my decision. i decided i couldn't be still technically in the organization w/o believing a word of it. i wrote a letter of disassociation. i have now read a few of the ones posted on here and they are amazing. mine was simple two sentences. "i don't believe in your god. i no longer want to be associated with the jehovah's witnesses' and i had freedom. my parents were flying out to visit me and i told them i had something to talk to them about. unfortunately i told them at the beginging of a two hour car ride. big mistake. they didn't speak to me for two hours but yelled and screamed and ranted and raved. which is worse. but they did tell me something "you can at least have enough respect for your brother and sister not to contact them." so even though there was no WTS ruling on the matter yet. that was done and i was finished. it has been good and bad at times with my parents. like when i told my mom that i was working at the blood bank. she didn't talk to me for 5 mo. only then was when my bf's dad died.
all this time i have still tried to please them. tried to be the not-so-black sheep. it hasn't worked. there are of course other details to my story. but those are the highlights (acctually low-lights)
but i have love. unconditional love. from non jw family. from my bf and his mom, his dad too but only it is his spirit form now. i also have unconditional love from my sister sara. i feel her love and presence with me all the time. i don't know what i believe but i know i believe that.
melissa
ps thank you so much all for replying it really means a lot to me that i have a place to where i can rant about my whacked out parents and ppl say yes we know exactly how you feel. thank you!!
**hugs to all**