Marrying Young

by Descender 42 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Descender

    Something has been bothering me as of late. My younger brother, who is 17 years old plans on getting married right after he turns 18 this upcoming year. I have quite a few problems with this, but he thinks that he knows it all at his age.

    I'm concerned for several reasons. He has been raised as a witness by my mother since he was born and thinks that this is the right religion at the moment although he can see a flaw here and there which might culminate in him finding his own brain one day. He got babtized when he was 14 which was the first mistake, although I made the same mistake at his age.

    When he was 15 years old he met a witness girl who was a few years older than him and they decided that they were in love. The only people in my family that are witnesses are my mother and my brother, I was a witness for 20 something years but I've since faded away. His girlfriend is a fourth generation witness and her whole family are witnesses and have been for the past sixty years. Her brothers are all ministerial servants or elders as well as her father.

    As weird as it seems, her family wasn't to fond of my brother because he wasn't a pure blood witness, but I guess they are willing to make exceptions. I find the fact that his girlfriend is such a strong witness to be a hinderence when it comes to him eventually being able to think for himself and get out. And since I'm faded, her family might convince him that my wife and I are bad association and should be shunned.

    Right about the time he was babtized, he decided that home schooling was the way to go and quit public school. Now he is blessed with horrible socialization skills and the only friends he has are a few of the older brothers at the hall, his girlfriend and her family, and his only voice of reason, my wife and I. there are no younger ones in his hall and the younger ones in his girlfriend's hall are all married which might be why she really wants to get married.

    He got so caught up in his relationship and with going out in service that he slacked off in his homeschooling studies and is now considering getting his GED because he's still doing 10th grade school work. He quit his last job a few months ago and still has no job, so he has no money. His future wife to be makes about $18k before taxes. He wants to go to college and get a job, or so he says but he's not really looking. But the thing they definitely know for sure is that they want to get married during the spring of next year.

    The witnesses seem to be all for it. If they do get married then I don't forsee him going to college because they'll find that they can't live the lifestyle they want on her measily salary. He'll have to get a job that an 18 year old without job skills and no experience can get. Since he's socially handicapped and doesn't like conversing with "worldy people" he will probably work for a brother doing janitorial work or landscaping. If he decides that the witness religion isn't for him, his wife will quickly turn him in and divorce him. Or if he stays in, her family may eventually convince him not to come around me anymore since I'm "the debil".

    Anyway, it bothers me. It hasn't happened yet, so I want to change my above prediction to him going to college, figuring out that he doesn't want to be a witness and then making a huge success with his life with whatever he chooses.

  • stillajwexelder

    far too young in my opinion

  • JH

    I think that 18 is too young to get married, especially today. I know many witnesses who did get married at 18. Many worldly youngsters have sex way before 18, and they don't wait for marriage for sex. Young witnesses generally wait until they can get married in order to have sex. So when the legal age comes along, they don't wait a moment, so they get married.

    Being in a very strict environment, I think that witnesses do get married earlier than worldly people, who decide to go to college and university before getting married.

  • Yerusalyim

    In all fairness I'd blame the lack of socialization skills more on being a JW than on Home Schooling.

    Yep...sounds like a solid plan to me...a plan for disaster.

  • smurfette

    It seems like alot of JW's get married really young. I blame the whole abstinence before marriage thing. I'm sorry about your brother. Your predictions for him are harsh but I've seen many on the same path he's taking wind up exactly as you are predicting. My husband and I got married young at 19 but not as dubs and we're happy 9 years later despite dire predictions. You'll just have to hope for the best, hope you're wrong and be there for him if it works out as predicted, I guess. It is a frustrating situation. -Margy

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee
    When he was 15 years old he met a witness girl who was a few years older than him and they decided that they were in love.

    Huh? In some places, depending on how much older, this would border on child abuse. Now I am assuming there is no sex going on but after reading some of what has been posted here I would have to wonder about it.

    Now I thought that the WTS recommended children not get involved unless they were thinking of marriage - come on he's gotta be of marriageable age for that = right? Where they heck were the parents they let things get so far?

    Just how much older is this "girl" and just how desperate are these JW girls to be preying on teenagers

    OK since he is still talking to you how about a course in reality. Rent/mortgage, utilities, food, clothing, car/transportation, insurance (medical and home/car), misc. Add it all up. Don't forget to add in babies and all those expenses. And of course money for assemblies and travel back and forth, book bags and literature and donations. And give him the job of looking these things up - just how much will it cost for a one bedroom home/apartment? etc. And women's wardrobes are a lot more expensive than a man's.

    I would suspect at 17 he has idealized marriage (and sex) and is not thinking about the responsibilites that go along with it.

    Then add in school. Let him get a school calendar and examine how much it will cost for tuition, courses and books.

    And finally time - have him add up the time he will need to study and meeting and service for the borg and the time he will need for school studying and papers etc. Let's not forget travel time, and sleep time and eating time. And well um if he is newly married he will need time for um those other fun things that he thinks he will be doing a lot of.

    hehehe and if a child comes along he will need time for that too.

    Crash course in reality. If he thinks he can take all that on at 18 well he's either delusional (in which case he shouldn't be getting married) or he is a much stronger person than most.

  • Winston Smith :>D
    Winston Smith :>D


    You sound like a good, older brother to me. And you should be worried. Very worried.

    What we have here are the perfect makings for a ‘Recipe for Disaster”.

    Hummm, let’s see. We have:

    · No HS diploma
    · No GED
    · No social skills
    · No friends
    · No money
    · No professional skills
    · No job
    · No ambition to find a job
    · No patience to wait till he’s got his life in order before he gets married
    · He can already see some flaws in the WTS
    · Marrying into a multi-generational, J Double-you fam
    · She makes less than $20 K/yr.
    · She has a bunch of friends who are married and she feels left out
    · I’m guessing the maturity levels of both are still in need of development.

    Now add the above ingredients with:
    · No job
    · No money to pay bills
    · Jehovah ‘forgets’ to ‘add all these other things to you’ and they start defaulting on bills
    · Sex not like they see in movies
    · Tension
    · Finger pointing
    · Arguing
    · Family starts taking sides

    For the final touches we can add:

    · Pregnancy
    · No health insurance
    · Car breaks down
    · She loses her job
    · They move in with the parents
    · He starts doubting WTS
    · She thinks he is the debil
    · Her family hates him

    Brew for 3 – 5 years. Let simmer for another year.

    And we now have the perfect recipe for a divorce before he hits 25.

    If I were you, I’d pull every stop out to bring him to his senses. Do anything to make sure he doesn’t get married yet.

    Get him to go to at least a Tech School.

    Encourage him from the Bible to wait 7 years like Jacob did for Rebecca [really 14, but hey, who’s counting?].

    Hell, encourage him to Reg Pio for a year to get to Reg Pio school before marrying.

    And if that doesn’t work, take him to a strip club and down the road to getting DF’d.

    Get him to do anything but get married with these odds stacked against him.

    OK, maybe a few of those suggestions are tongue in cheek, but this is rather serious.

    My wife and I love each other very much and are doing pretty well now, but we had a lot more going for us than these two have. And you know what? It still was tough at times.

    I can’t imagine walking into a marriage with these cards in my hand. There is no way I could imagine my wife & I still being married if I had your brother’s hand.

    It’s a classic JW, ‘Recipe for Disaster’.

    Sorry, but that’s my grim look at it. Best of luck.


  • run dont walk
    run dont walk

    This was one of many things that really bothered me when I was going,

    I saw so many get married for the wrong reasons, the main one was to get out of the house (if they lived in a ridiculous strict environment), and wanted to have sex, I know young couple that got married and she was pregnant, of course they never told the elders this, then again I saw some girls (not picking on you females out there) that said they were pregnant to trap the guy, after they were married well, no kid, happened to one friend of mine, he was a mess 6 months after the wedding, only married her because he thouhgt she was pregnant, why would she lie, also women in the congregation for some reason panic and feel they have to married by 21, mind you so do guys, why I don't know. How anyone can think they can get married with no job is beyond me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • drwtsn32

    I agree... what's the rush to get married? (Unless it's because you're a dub... and the reason is to have sex.) However, I believe that just because someone gets married young doesn't meant the marriage is doomed to fail. The success of the marriage depends entirely on how hard the two work at it. At the same time, waiting until you're 28 doesn't mean the marriage is necessarily more likely to succeed.

    Edit: BTW, I am speaking in general terms and not about the young man in question. He seems sorely equipped to even consider marriage.

  • Panda

    No No No Your brother is too unprepared for marriage. He has no idea what it will be like especially when he isn't meeting up to inlaws expectations of him. Oh man he will find out what lonely is all about. When he has to support his family on minimum wage (and can't) when he's dead tired and MUST attend meetings(where he falls asleep and never gets priveldges). Oh he'll be miserable. AND when the Mrs. doesn't like the way things are going he'll be sleeping alone, get frustrated, some cute worldly chick at work will come on to him and he gets df'd --- better to avoid the pain.

    Take him to that strip club.

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