Any former elders brains I could pick?

by BarelyThere 56 Replies latest jw friends

  • BarelyThere
    Hi here goes nothing. I posted in another topic a few hours ago. It is my first time on here or any website like this, ever. I was DFed back in September for adultery. I was married at only 19. I was young and immature. I decided it would be better to be DFed rather than be married to someone my entire life and live a mediocre life but keep my family and friends. I've tried explaining that to them over and over "would you want me to be unhappy forever just to keep things at the status quo?" Either way, I would like to get reinstated because I do want to freely contact my friends and family without any social stigma. To go shopping with my mom we have to go over an hour out of the way. To see one of my good friends she has to lie to her husband. And then there are the other friends and family members who flat out won't talk to me at all. They claim they are doing it out of love but none of them have ever been in this boat before! Because this has definitely been the most psychologically taxing thing I've ever been through. I feel like I'm in an invisible torture chamber. Anyway, sorry for all the rambling, I'm stressed out because I read in the elders book that "where there is evidence of conspiracy between individuals to put away their mates and marry each other, considerable time should elapse to prove their repentance and gain reinstatement." Now, I didn't conspire to "put away my mate." I was unhappy and worked on my marriage and got nothing in return. I regret that I have to say that I had an affair but I turned my time and attention to someone else. The other person was also a JW but was single. So he did not "put away a mate." Can anyone please tell me how much time I can expect to have to wait to be reinstated?? I want to get back in and just fade away, since for whatever reason it'll be okay for my family/friends to talk to me under those circumstances but not when I have this "label".
  • cofty

    There is a misogynistic culture in the organisation. Most elders are infected by it. A wife cheating on her husband is it a serious disadvantage. I would guess at least a year.

    Keep in mind that even if you manage to get reinstated fading is a big challenge. Lots of people end up getting DFd because they say the wrong thing and raise suspicions of apostasy.

    Only you can make the decision but sometimes its better to take move on with your life. Maybe other family members will join you later.

  • freddo

    The fact your mother is willing to go under the radar and associate is a huge bonus. Approximately how old are you? Is the man you had a relationship with around or in touch?

    Not being nosy just trying to gauge the situation. Don't answer if you'd rather not.

  • Magnum

    I read in the elders book that "where there is evidence of conspiracy between individuals to put away their mates and marry each other, considerable time should elapse to prove their repentance and gain reinstatement

    You're not married to or dating the guy you had sex with are you? If not, it seems that that "rule" shouldn't apply.

  • notsurewheretogo

    There is no set time, I know 2 couples who conspired to swap partners and did so, got DF and were reinstated within a year and then they did marry each others partners and all 4 back in the same cong.

    It really is dependant on the local body of elders view on things, the book gives no time reference, the elders should being going along the lines of would your reinstatement offend anyone or upset anyone.

  • sir82

    It depends entirely on the mindset of the 3 elders who DF'ed you.

    In JW-world, if they perceive that you engaged in adultery for the express purpose of ending your marriage, and they are [email protected]$$es, then it could be 3, 4, 5 or more years before they let you back in.

    On the other hand, if they've got some scrap of human decency, it might only be a year or so.

    It's really impossible to say without knowing the personalities of the 3 guys.

  • Lee Elder
    Lee Elder

    Dynamics of your congregation and its "elders" are the key. Under the right circumstances six months is possible if it wasn't too scandalous. Other factors might be:

    Does your ex continue to attend this hall? If so, expect it might take longer.

    Are you generally liked or disliked by the congregation, and especially the elders on your judicial committee?

    Some elders are suspicious about DF ones who immediately begin attending all of the meetings. Almost like they should be too ashamed to show their faces. Sometimes it seems to work better if you take a little break, and then start coming back. Particularly if your situation was well known and generated a lot of talk/scandal.

  • BarelyThere

    So here are a few extra details:

    -My ex does not attend the cong and moved away

    -I was generally well liked by the hall before this happened

    -I know at least 2/3 elders like me. One of them told my mom the night I was DFd that he "didn't want to" and that "I'm a good kid."

    -I've been planning on remarrying the other guy. I know this is probably the biggest hang up

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath
    BT are you still seeing the other guy--was he d/f too ?
  • BarelyThere
    Stan livedeath... Yes I am. He was dfd too. Not from the same cong, but a cong in the same KH

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