@LoisLane, I have tried everything short of hiring a detective. FB, Schools, old addresses and more. I found a new number today and called it. It was disconnected. So the tears fell hard.
I found myself repeating several times while in the thick of it saying "I want my daddy", "I want my daddy".
How awfully embarrassing to realize, be totally aware and cognizant as Im crying repeating that , that I am a 42 year old man. I did actually remember something from my childhood during that 'meltdown'. I was a daddy's boy. A non jw daddys boy until I was taken by my very selfish jw (great aunt) that could not have children.
[She (The jw great aunt) raised me from 41/2 until 12. ( at 12 almost 13 I ran away from the sexual,physical,and physiological abuse.) But was indoctrinated in the jw cult. Went back to the jws and was married at 16 ,had a son who I would go on to lose in court. Then my ex wife disappeared with my son mere months before my dad died. The heartbreak of that journey, to find a son that hates me is simply mind blowing. My son was my whole world 'when little'. Then to become my obsession for years. Didn't find my son until he was 14 after searching everyday tirelessly while trying to just live. Gone from me at age 6.]
Later after my dad passed and I found out via court records that she (The jw great aunt) did not have legal adoption of me then. She lied and told my father that she did. It destroyed him. He thought he could not fight the court legally all those years. As it turned out all he had to do was pick me up.
I confronted my great aunt (the jw who couldn't have kids and basically stole me) with the court documents. She cried, confessed that she wished death upon my biomom (another story) and secluded me from my father. But then attacked me saying I was under satans influence. ?????WOW! This went on for years until I finally stood up to her verbally. I will never want to speak with her again. Out of honoring myself if nothing else.
Im not sure why Im opening up like this here today. Perhaps its because the layers of trauma have become more than I can bare this year. I can hide from them no more. I want my story to mean something. I want it to help people. And I have a lot to say. This is still just a tiny fraction of my story. But something is brewing and I cant hold back the Dam of years that have snuck up on me.
This site has done the trick. In the sense that I am really woke up in regards the jwcult. The tricks they play and the similar heartbreaking vein woven in each story I see.
I am looking at the world with very sad, lonely, and scared eyes as I now navigate to the 'whats next?' part.
I have not a clue. But I do know that Im out of the jw haze. So now that the chips are really down for me I no longer lean towards a jw god that does not exist. That leaves me feeling very vulnerable. Like never before.
Ironically I feel more connected to myself. I feel. All the emotions cognitive dissonance blocked me from feeling. They are raw and painful but I feel them. For the first time.