My parents found out

by BlackWolf 33 Replies latest jw friends

  • Giordano

    If I recall you are turning 18 this summer.

    If your Dad is still an Elder he may need you to attend the meetings and go out in Service to prove to the other Elders that he is in charge of his household. He values his position more then his daughter.....this is pretty much par for the course with many Elders.

    Your going out in service is ridiculous. I would indicate to your parents that no one will want to work with you and you have no interest in representing the JW beliefs that you don't believe in. Same with the Ministry School and Service meeting. Neither serves any purpose at this point in your life.

    The public talk and WT study may be the once a week compromise that is needed to be able to stay at home.

    I am intrigued that both of your non JW Aunts will be living near one another. Once they are........... it may be wise to arrange to visit them.

    Is the area they live in a better job market then where you live now? Is Public transportation available or would they drop you off at a school or at a job as they head out to their own jobs. If they do you might be able to earn your keep by relieving them of some of their domestic responsibilities?

    Be an asset to them and they will be an asset for you.

  • Cold Steel
    Cold Steel
    BW ยป I'm going to find a job and save up as much as I can for a while and do online college.

    Are they unwilling, unable or both to send you to a real college? Depending on where your aunt lives, you might be able to acquire residency and attend a state university.

    Have you discussed college with them?

    Also, how did they react when you said you didn't want to be a JW? Anger? Shock? Did they resort to spiritual threats? If you haven't been baptized, you can't be guilty of apostasy, can you?

    I'd definitely consider moving in with your aunt. She may be willing to help you out with college. Do your parents know about that option, and do they communicate with her?

  • AudeSapere

    Just because someone is 'out' of the JW org, does not in and of itself make them someone you should trust.

    We know little about you and even less about your aunt.

    I think that Zeb and Giles Gray and jp1692 and other posters made some wonderful points.

    Respect your parents. Play nice with your family. Get a job and save as much money as you possibly can. Get an education. Don't get baptized. Time is on your side. Use it to your advantage. An education now will be the BEST investment of your time.

  • BlackWolf

    Thank you everyone for your advice. This past weekend we went to convention and of course everything was back to normal. I was still expected to take notes and sit next to donation boxes. I wish they would just get the point! I can't handle being this fake for much longer, it's killing me on the inside. Ive just applied for a job so I guess if that works out it would be a good start. Cold Steel, I have discussed college. My parents of course won't support me going to an actual college because of "bad association". They said that as long as I stay at home and be good they will pay for me to get an associates degree online, so they're kind of blackmailing me. Anyways I will continue to contact my aunt and see what happens.

  • Saename

    Associates degree online? Does this actually mean anything in the real world...?

  • notalone

    Your parents think this is 'just a phase' you are going through.They know if they can keep you enmeshed just a couple more years they have you. You are at that age when young people go into the world and find who they want to be. In college everyone will be new. There will be friendships, ideas and then once you have a degree the ability to really build a life that is not dependent on them and the org. If they can keep you under their 'protection' and control your environment,they will undermine your resolve and honesty and replace it with deceit and no self respect. This is a war for you soul, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In witness minds all is fair in 'theocratic war' and they are going to use everything at their disposal to control you.But here's the thing you have all the power it is your decision. All you have to do is say to yourself ,' This is who I am and I will not compromise my integrity. I have to live with myself.' Then live

  • Chook

    Blackwolf, do some things you have never done , buy a lottery ticket , swear when your angry, watch an R rated film, join a sports team, sneak into another church ( but don't join ). Buy a birthday card for that secret friend . You will only ever need one or two genuine friends ( it might seem easy when you are young but ask an older person how many of there childhood friends they still have contact with ) . Friendship and effort are related. You will be ok in life blackwolf due to your seeking wisdom from outside sources.

    cheers Chook

  • Incognito

    I don't know how I missed this thread previously.

    When you say your Aunt(s) live a long way from you, how far would that be? A reasonable distance for someone with their own transportation, can be an extreme long distance for someone without.

    Since you haven't even met your aunt(s), that somewhat reduces staying with her/them right now. Although related, they are strangers to you, as you are to them. Perhaps, you could arrange to meet them a few times to get to know and spend time with them before living with them, even temporarily, becomes an option.

    I recall you have already turned 18, thereby implying you have or nearly have finished high school. Even if home schooled, you will need a HS diploma so ensure you obtain it by whatever means necessary.

    Even as an adult, as long as you wish to remain living in your parents home, you will need to continue to (mostly) follow their rules.

    As a JW man is expected to the spiritual leader for his family, your opposition places your father's elder position at risk, which will likely be why he wants you to play along. Your father is probably not only worried for his position, but also his failing to provide adequate spiritual headship for his daughter and his other children.

    Since your thoughts are now known, perhaps you and your parents can compromise as to which JW activities you can agree to vs those which will act against your conscience, such as recruiting new members.

    Reaching a compromise will require you to initiate some calm discussions. When either parent becomes increasingly short tempered and demanding, that is when you need to become more calm, stand your ground but remain in control.

    I would be tempted to blame your decision against becoming a JW, on being pressured by your parents to become baptized now, as opposed to waiting until ready to make that decision on your own. Hopefully, that may force them to reconsider forcing your siblings to be baptized before they are each ready, and maybe, cause them to back-off in forcing you to do anything JW related.

    Obtaining a FT job, even if only for summer, will permit you to earn some money and get you away from the house for extended hours each day. In addition, you gain some independence and experience while showing you are a reliable worker. It also may provide your parents with an excuse as to why you will not be available certain days such as for Saturday FS. Once you are away for extended hours each day, it will likely become easier as time advances, to miss more meetings, especially if you need to find another job in the fall.

    We are all unique in not only who we are but also our situation in life. There are no answers that anyone can tell you, which will work for you in every situation. Part of becoming an adult, is the need to consider in advance, the pros and cons to every decision.

  • Saethydd

    I sympathize with you a great deal, not too long ago my situation was very much like yours. I, however, am the youngest in my family and the only who has thus far woken up. After I realized that my entire life and its "spiritual" goals had been built on lies and delusions I had many conversations with my parents over several months. It was like talking to a brick wall, nothing I said sunk in, no evidence I provided swayed them, they were incapable of conceding a single point in my favor even if they could not answer my arguments.

    So, I started leading something of a double-life. I reached out to old acquaintances from college to build true friendships with and met new people as well. I started spending quality time getting to know them while my parents thought I was at the gym or studying. I realized very quickly that it was a situation I could not endure for long because it was tearing me apart. So I started working on finding a place to live and figuring out a budget, saving up money, etc. Until finally about a month ago I had everything I needed to approach my parents and tell them I no longer wished to attend the meetings or try to get reinstated, I had been DF'd about a year earlier, unfortunately I was much like your brother, so eager to get baptized at the young age of 10 years old. (A decision that I was once proud of, but now see as perhaps one of my greatest mistakes.)

    They were stunned, to say the least, we talked for a long time. I told them how I was miserable at the meetings and knew that I could not get reinstated feeling this way. They told me that they weren't going to kick me out, but apparently, they spoke later and changed their minds on that. If I wasn't going to the meetings they didn't want me there.

    So, I followed my carefully laid plans to where I sit right now. At my desk, in my new room, in a house that I share with true friends. Friends that would never cast me aside because I didn't share their beliefs. It was hard getting here, and it's hard work staying here. I've got three part-time jobs right now and summer classes. My free time is limited, but I'm figuring out to make things work. I miss my family, I miss the people still inside that I once called friends before I realized how tenuous those relationships were, but I don't miss the religion one bit, I don't miss their God, and I'm pretty sure that's because he was never anywhere but my own imagination.

    It's not all freedom and good times away from the Organization. Sometimes I do feel sad for what I have lost, but overall, I would say I'm happier now. Finally, for the first time in my life, I don't feel confined by the mental and emotional prison constructed by the Watchtower. Finally, I feel as if I am free to seek my own path instead of following the one I've been forced to walk since birth.

    I can't tell you what to do, it's your life, and your choice, but hopefully my story will help you decide.

  • moreconfusedthanever

    I would mention to them Romans 14:12 says each one renders their own account before God. Forcing you to pretend is not going to fool Jehovah who will read hearts when passing judgement. We should not be doing anything under compulsion but of our own free will.

    Having said that you have been going up till now. Go to the meetings and sit. Do what I have seen others do and read something on your tablet while you are there. Go witnessing but refuse to talk at the doors. See it as exercise.

    To your brother who can't wait to get baptised - Terry O'Brien told the courts at the Australian Royal Commission that JWs do not baptise children. They only baptise ones nearing adulthood. We know that is not true but it should be. Getting baptised is as serious a commitment as getting married. You cannot legally get married at 11.

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