My parents found out

by BlackWolf 33 Replies latest jw friends

  • zeb

    BW. play the nice card to all. For the sake of peace. We all have to do that from time to time in our lives. I still am.

    You are in the same situation of tiny Switzerland during the world war that of having to please hostile neighbours but remain true to yourself. Please consider the immaturity of your siblings when thinking of things and planning the next few years of your life. Do you have a part time job? then stack your funds away in your own bank account and be very circumspect as to who and what you spend any of it on. I gather you are young so do all you can to achieve at school. Education like health is everything.

    Image result for desiderata

  • jp1692

    Blackwolf: Do you guys think that's a good idea?

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. But it is you that has to deal with this.

    Seeking advice from strangers on the internet is a tricky thing at best and potentially dangerous thing at worst. Most of us here are ex- or current-JWs that no longer believe this religion is "the truth." And, while generally we are as a group caring, compassionate people, few of us here are specifically trained to counsel others. We speak from our hearts and our experience.

    Also, most of us here are quite a bit older than you are.

    Finally, none of us really know and understand your situation. We only know what you've told us and that is not a lot.

    In your previous post you wrote: "I told my younger siblings (who are trustworthy don't worry) about how I don't want to be a jw and my plans to leave."

    You have now learned a painful but important lesson: you can't trust anyone that is in the JW religion. No one. The only person you can trust is yourself, and you've been indoctrinated all of your life not to do that. This is something you have to learn how to do.

    Proceed slowly and with caution. Ask for feedback here. Weigh the pros and cons of what others write in response. But remember: all decisions are yours.

    Keep us posted!


  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    The only reason my parents could justify having a relationship with me was because I had never left, or been DFd. I never got baptised and that was the best thing that had happened for them in their old age. They were not obligated to shun me, neither were their families. I'm still not shunned by their families.

  • notalone

    My family is going through some very intensive counseling right now. The one thing that keeps coming up is setting boundaries and not staying in relationships with those who will not accept your right to set them. The longer you allow someone to ignore your boundaries the less you will think of yourself. You teach others how to treat you. If you say ' I do not want to be a witness. I do not share these beliefs' You are setting a boundary. Their response shows they do not respect you. Your response to them tells them who you are and how you will be treated. Break the control. Once you turn 18 you can legally decide if this behavior is acceptable. Is it? If you don't value who you are and don't feel you have the right to free will, to choose your own life, then no one else will. I know this is difficult. You have been conditioned to capitulate.You have been conditioned to fear. This will always bring you under the control of others. This is your decision and yours alone, and this will effect the direction of your life,the person you are and will be. Think carefully. Choose don't react. Stay calm. Be the adult. This is your life.

  • mentalclarity

    jp1692 is absolutely right - this is your decision and your the only one that knows all the variables so weigh everything out and decide what your move is "right now".

    I experienced a similar situation when I was 17. I was baptized and I got in trouble and had a JC. At the first meeting I told them I didn't want to go to meetings anymore. I wasn't interested in being a JW. They asked me how I thought that made my parents feel. I said "I would figure they would be happy as long as I am happy".....haha! Obviously that was the "wrong" answer. There was some sobbing that ensued from my parent.

    They gave me some time to think about it and we would discuss this at the next JC. For a week or two (can't remember) I didn't go to the meeting. It was VERY hard because of the emotional blackmail. Next JC meeting I told them I was sorry and I had changed my mind (I hadn't). The thing is this..I realized that I didn't have the funds/the emotional strength/and the network I needed to do what I need to do at that exact moment. Soon I would graduate from high school and some new opportunities would arise. Just because you decide to "play nice" now does not mean you don't have moral integrity and no one should judge you for that. It means, that you might recognize that now is not the right moment. In life, timing is everything. Plan your escape plan well.

    Again, this was my experience only- only you can decide what is going to be in your best interest. I'm really sorry you have to go through this, but you're not alone and alot of us have been through similar situations. PM me anytime you want.

  • dubstepped

    Whew, a tough situation just got tougher. I disagree with the notion that you're learning valuable skills by sticking it out. You already have those. Staying in an abusive situation isn't educational after a point.

    Your aunt sounds like she's been there, done that, and woulf be a great place to go start a new life at some point. I've told you that my wife and I are willing to help too if we can.

    This is tough, but you don't owe your parents or siblings anything. They may all turn their backs on you. Certainly parental love there is largely based on your ability to conform to the cult.

    Get a job, work hard, and pile up cash. Cash gives you options, and you need them. Play the game at home as long as you can stomach it, but don't allow them to hurt you beyond what you can psychologically take. This is YOUR life, not theirs, and clearly you're the only one looking out for your best interests.

    I'm sorry you got outed. Now you'll really see what your parents are made of, real love of you, or the cult. I'm so sorry.

  • SonoftheTrinity

    Don't let them abuse you emotionally. Respect them and demand respect. Learn about logical fallacies and learn to call them out when they attack your motives and character. In fact call out every logical fallacy you hear from the Watchtower. Don't listen to Black Wolf with the calling on Satan nonsense. Go full stone cold Dr. Spock on them, but do it very carefully and respectfully. In their videos they are supposed to respect the adolescent 'questioning' phase in theory. Call them out on whether motives are true faith or keeping up appearances. Use the phrases 'with all due respect' and 'please don't insult my intelligence with emotional appeals' Remind them that 'your disappointment doesn't make 'da troof' any more or less factual' and is thus neither here nor there. Be the nicest logical fallacy policeman in the world and tell them that recognizing fallacies will help me to a better Bethel writer because the ones they have use bad arguments that cause smart people to leave when they could have come up with better arguments for the same Truth and kept people in.' In short, what would Daria do?

  • BlackWolf

    Thanks everyone, seeing others opinions always helps me to think about things. My aunt is awake, she left the cult when she was 20 and then joined the military. I've never met her in person because of this, and my parents always told me she was a horrible person (she seems quite the opposite). Anyways shes moving down the road from my other non jw aunt next month. I think I will stick around here for a little while, hopefully get a job and save up some money. I don't think going to live with my aunts right now would be a good idea since I don't have a way to support myself yet. At the same time having to pretend all the time is miserable, especially since my parents still expect me to go in service.

  • Diogenesister

    I'm going to take a wild guess and say it's because he wants the attention and adoration being baptised will bring ( for about 5 minutes). As a boy he might also enjoy wielding power over his big sister - DA DA DA DA....DUBMAN !!! You could make him a cape LoL!

    Srsly tho your parents don't seem too bad if they are happy for u to just pretend, and they won't force you. I would only recommend a move in with Aunt if u know her very, very well and she is totaly willing to take on all parental responsibility. You are still young. Go easy, work hard at school and aim for college.

  • Giles Gray
    Giles Gray
    BW:- " ...having to pretend all the time is miserable, especially since my parents still expect me to go in service."

    That's just terrible.

    Would it help to get a weekend job? You would be able to start saving money and you would be able to avoid the minisrty.

    You've broken the ice by informing them that you don't intend to be a JW. It would be responsible of you now to embark on becoming self-sufficient.

    It's a good first step to freedom and independence. Being proactive will help you cope with your present circumstances.

    If your parents have issue with it, explain to them that you are considering your own future. Would be a good way to demonstrate that you are an independent person deserving respect... a point they seem to be struggling with at the moment.

    More importantly, you will start setting your own boundaries. This will help empower you.

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