Welcome to the forum, victimofdeceit.
Sounds like you did your very best to try to make the JW lifestyle your own. However, you realized by observing the behaviour of JWs - and the elders in particular - that the fit between you and the JW lifestyle was never ever going to be a sound one. You can now get ready to live a life in which you will be true to yourself rather than squashed into some enforced "harmony" orchestrated by the GB.