Really struggling to go on

by Isambard Crater 34 Replies latest jw friends

  • Phoebe

    The one thing that really helped me when I was in the middle of depression was being told to distance myself, as much as possible, from toxic/negative people. What is it they say? Once you let go of negative people, positive ones appear.

    So I looked at what was really causing me to flounder in this sea of depression. It was some members of family, the congregation, even a work-related forum I was on at the time. I just cut them out as much as possible. Once their negative influences weren't round me I started to feel so much better.

    You have your own little family, you and your husband. Put yourselves first for once.Please take care of yourself. xxx

  • dubstepped

    Whew, sounds like I was right. Between your family and your husband's you truly are in a cult inside of a cult.

    Could you just move? Honestly, I think if it were me I'd grab my wife, make a plan, and basically run away. We would just move and create physical distance so that we could gain mental and emotional distance and strength.

    I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. You two need some.

  • Doubtfully Yours
    Doubtfully Yours


    Husband's familia controlling him, his family and your life? Your man needs to put his foot down and heavy immediately!

    I would feel horrible too!

    So sad that this is happening to you.


  • longgone

    Hello IC, I hope your feeling better today! There has been so much good advice here. Maybe you could find a little time to carefully reread the replies for the second or even third time. That has helped me when I've asked for help here.

    Also like so many others, I've been where you are. Be strong! Use your mind rather than your emotions in this situation. The cliche that says to take a few deep breaths has gotten me through many very difficult moments.

    Take them slowly, and relax your your shoulders, pause, then go on to you arms, back and so on. I've learned many coping skills from meditation apps.

    One in particular is called Insight Timer. It may seem like a big undertaking if you haven't done this before. It isn't and you will be on your way becoming more in control of your emotions! It even has meditation selections for beginners. I highly recommend them. I hope this helps, and remember we're here for you. 💙💜

  • Incognito
    The only reason I show up at 5 or 6 meetings each month is to keep in contact with my parents and a few other family members.

    Attending 5 or 6 meetings/month, is too often. As you are experiencing depression and hopelessness which is worsened by meeting attendance, continue to reduce attendance for your own benefit. You will likely see little difference in the treatment you receive whether you attend once per month or 6 times/month. Eventually, you will likely realize there is little benefit to attending whatsoever.

    JWs typically focus on what you haven't done, not what you did do. Even in attending 6, you missed some so therefore, you will be looked down upon regardless.

    Losing my parents is holding me back,

    How your parents will react, is entirely their choice.

    You are not responsible for your parent's happiness, 'feelings' or acceptance. While we all understand the control the JW religion attempts to exert over it's members, the decision to accept and comply with that level of control, is your parent's choice. Although they may have stated what they would do if you stopped practising, what they will actually do cannot be proven until tested.

    When a person becomes an adult, they usually break free from their parent's control, to make decisions for their own benefit and the family they create with their partner.

    You are no longer a child who should require continual parental approval so perhaps this needs to be something discussed with a therapist. I also recommend reading Susan Forward's book, 'Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life'. The suggestions presented by both, often can be also applied to other relationships, not just parents.

    Your mind is a part of you, which is influenced and adaptable to conditions experienced throughout life. Some of the reactive adaptations are not always the most healthy or beneficial, but are only a method of survival. Just as if you had a physical condition (ex: broken leg, sore back) which required outside assistance and treatment to restore full and healthy operation, sometimes, a person needs help to realize there maybe other, better and more healthy methods to deal with other people and the stresses of life.

    In addition to considering consulting an experienced therapist, you need to also accept that modifying your mental outlook is necessary and a priority. It is not selfish to put yourself first in this regard.

    I guess my husband and I being blackmailed by his parents (not J.W's) doesn't help

    I don't know what this is in regards to, but please consider, it takes participation by you and your husband for this control to be successful. Perhaps if you both sit down and discuss the matter with his parents, the matter can be dealt with and the threat eliminated.

    If the above is less than 100% successful, maybe a proactive response by you and your husband is needed, so his parents no longer have this tool of control at their disposal.

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