So, so much has happened in my life over the years and continues to happen, but I won't go into the details as it would take a long time.
I don't really know why, but I returned to "The Truth" 15 years ago. In 2012 when the TV broadcasting station launched, I started to develop doubts. The Australian Royal Commission and other scandals made me angrier, and I now don't believe most of the core teachings.
The only reason I show up at 5 or 6 meetings each month is to keep in contact with my parents and a few other family members.
But it's killing me, literally. I ache all over. I'm severely depressed and hugely anxious with little confidence, so much that I stay in the house most of the time.
I take the subway to the Kingdom Hall and have many times wanted to jump in front of a train.
I know there are hundreds, maybe thousands of PIMO (physically in, mentally out) people out there and on this forum, but unlike many of them, I don't feel I can go on.
I try to think about other stuff, but from the second I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, the back of my mind, heart and muscular system is thinking about the organisation. I can't express my anger, doubts or sadness to family, and the only other PIMO JW I know in person lives 50 miles away and she usually is too nervous to talk about her own doubts.
I guess my husband and I being blackmailed by his parents (not J.W's) doesn't help, and there's loads of other crap going on in my life. The elders and J.W's in general don't recognise depression that isn't cured by prayer and study. It scares me, and means I can't use depression as an excuse, or I don't feel that I can.
The future feels very dark and I can't do this for another 20 years!