Learn To Speak Like A Jehovah's Witness

by pale.emperor 42 Replies latest social humour

  • schnell

    @Heartsafire, don't forget that spirituality is measured in hours, placements, and return visits.

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    on the werk.

    --or--"on the work" for those who dont talk with a brummie accent.

    this means your time wasted by going out and knocking on peoples doors to try to convert them. in the unlike event of you actually finding someone at home--dont worry--they wont be interested. see also:

    the drive

    the effort

    rendezvous for service

    field service

  • OverlappingGeneralizations

    "Yes friends..."

    Something you say right before the last sentence in a public discourse. Bonus points if that last sentence incorporates the title of the talk.

    "Special (week/month) of activity"

    A set of circumstances has occurred that should prod the guilt-laden laity into activity. Either a campaign* has begun, the CO is visiting, it's Memorial Season*, whatever. More is expected of you. Get out there and bleat on the streets, you sheep.


    Oh no, not a presidential campaign where empty promises are made. This is a drive to deliver special pamphlets where empty promises are made. Hurry, you'll only have a month to hand them out! Don't you want to be a part of it? Ahh, nevermind. There were so many left over, we'll leave them at not-at-homes during the following months. Because, after all, "the truth never expires". Unless it is deemed incorrect, See Nu-Lite from previous posts.

    Memorial Season

    Kinda like Christmas season, but for dubbies. They sorta think about Jesus, but mostly think about sitting in a room for an hour, passing wine around and not drinking it, like a celestial designated driver. This is a special time where "worldly" people are invited to the meeting to see what they are missing. And a dead-silet, awkward passing of the emblems* is sure to make them queue up at the door for the next meeting. This is also a time where dubbies look forward to seeing all the people who "call themselves witnesses but only show up at the memorial". Look around, remember their faces, then talk about them when you go get ice cream after the memorial. Talk about how you wish they'd wake up (come back to the meeting), all the while secretly envying their freedom.


    Those things on the trunk of your car right? Nope. These are the bread and wine, prepared under the careful watch and sanitary conditions of the local cat-hoarder. Still want to "partake"?


    "Who has hospitality this week" might be a confusing sentence to some. But not to the indigenous JW. He knows just what that means. He begins to think about who is assigned to pretend to know the Sunday speaker well enough to treat him to a meal. "Hi brother.... Jones, is it? Well, we have a fine $4 buffet up the street, and I have been saving my window-washing money for 6 months just so I can take you, your wife, her mother, your brother, his bible study, and your 9 children out to eat. What do you say? Do you have time for some fine christian association this afternoon?" ... "Oh, your wife is on a diet and can only eat steak, and you'd rather go to the $60-a-plate steakhouse? Why, sure! I think there's a Payday Loan place along the way..."

    "The last assembly we'll ever have"

    Otherwise known as "every assembly". See also "The best assembly ever", "The most encouraging assembly ever" and "The assembly where you better bring kleenex"


    This one is almost intuitive, but not quite. It's kinda like an usher, armed only with the power of suggestion. The attendant can lead you to an available seat, but you can just sit wherever you want and he's not allowed to do anything about it.

    Designated Convention Parking

    Look at a map of the convention area. See those parking garages conveniently located adjacent to the convention site? Don't be silly, those cost money. The branch has lovingly reserved free, pothole-ridden parking lots within walking distance of the venue. And by walking distance, I mean 6 streets west, 5 streets north. That is, if you get there in a timely fashion. If you are one minute late, all the attendants will be inside "enjoying the program", and there will be much gnashing of teeth on your behalf. Never let that happen friends! Oh, and we need volunteers to go up a day early and pull weeds. Can you make yourselves available? Show of hands? Brother, can you get the count? And now your chairman.

  • Captain Schmideo2
    Captain Schmideo2

    Pagan- Any custom or practice that has roots in pre-Christian (or non-Fundamental) practices, like Birthdays and Holidays. Does not apply to Wedding Ceremonies and all the standard accoutrements (ie:White wedding dress, bridesmaids, wedding rings, kiss the bride, wedding reception, because then you would see the young women leaving in droves).

    Memorial "Talk"-In which an "Elder" spares about 90 seconds reading from the obituary printed in the local newspaper about a member who served faithfully for his entire life, after which the remaining 28 minutes 30 seconds is spent standing on the corpse while the talk shifts to promotion of the "unique" beliefs that the JWs have and which the deceased is supposed to have held. This is followed by:

    The Get-Together after the Memorial (see "Pagan" above)- In which the relatives of the deceased are supposed to pony up sandwiches and other items for those that were at least thoughtful enough to show up for the Memorial "Talk". Expect better eats if the deceased was from a "well-to-do" situation.

    Talk- A verb that is turned into a noun, and is actually referring to a sermon (but that's a Christendom term, so it's not used.)

    Christendom-Literally, the Kingdom of Christ. Was used in the past by kingdoms and nation-states in the past as a self label for "Christian" (as opposed to Muslim or other pagan) nations. Now used as expression of loathing by JW's, as in "those nations that claim to be Christian, but they are not. They are 'Christendom'.

  • pale.emperor


    NEW LIGHT: The result of some 60+yo who ate some cheese before bed and woke up with a "really cool" idea in his head which 8 million people must now all believe if they want to keep their family and friends.

    ONE OF THE REMNANT: A crazy fool that thinks he's gonna live as a king/priest in heaven when he croaks it.

  • stuckinarut2

    "whole-souled service" : giving everything you have to the society (financially, mentally, physically) and never getting anything back if you ever needed it...

  • never a jw
    never a jw


    A competition in which JW's attempt to be the slowest walker and knock on as few doors as possible.

    Another event of the competition is to stand in a corner holding a magazine, avoiding eye contact, always looking straight forward and without blinking for as long as possible.

    The third part of the competition is only for the most accomplished preachers. JW's stand near a literature cart and try to avoid eye contact and conversation with anyone passing by.

    The goal is to count as many hours while using minimum calories

  • nowwhat?
    "Publisher"- slaves for Watchtower. "Faithful slave"- has the publishers do all the work.
  • stuckinarut2

    "critical thinking":

    Unlike its correct meaning, which alludes to people using logical and analytical skills to evaluate information presented to them,this has a NEGATIVE meaning in WT world: It denotes the act of finding fault with the GB and society...and of course that must NEVER be done!

  • Vidiot
    pale.emperor - "Learn to speak like a Jehovah's Witness..."

    Like, on purpose? :smirk:

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