Learn To Speak Like A Jehovah's Witness

by pale.emperor 42 Replies latest social humour

  • pale.emperor

    For those who were never a JW, here's a fun guide to passing yourself as one:

    PRIVILEGE [priv-lij] - A duty nobody would volunteer to do which is assigned to you without your say so. Such as cleaning the toilets, picking up other brats candy wrappers in the back row and being stuck on locking up duty for the 7th time in a row.

    DF'd [dee-eff'd] - Disfellowshipped. A "cool" slang word for the practice of pretending your best friend and/or family members no longer exist so that they'll rejoin your cult.

    JC [jay-see] - Judicial Committee. Another "cool" slang word for an illegal, biased and unfair kangaroo court where three men decide if you're sorry enough for breaking one of the many rules they've added to the bible.

    THE TRUTH [troo-th] -

    1) Whatever the Watchtower Society have printed in their latest magazine. Will automatically override anything they've previously said.

    2) A pet name for your own religion

    3) A mind control/hypnotic method of subtly convincing oneself that you actually have "the truth" by using it often to refer to ones own religion.

    THE WORLD [wur-ld] - Anyone who isnt a Jehovah's Witness who will therefore be destroyed at armageddon and become birdfood. The age, mental health or disability of such people matters not one bit.

    GENERATION [jen-er a' shun] -

    The entire body of individuals born and living at about the same time.

    Worldly people from 1878 to 1914.

    The anointed.

    Worldly people who lived from 1914 to 2000.

    The anointed.

    The anointed who were on hand when the sign began to become evident in 1914 overlapping with the lives of other anointed ones who would see the start of the great tribulation.

    APOSTATE [apos stayt] - Anyone who leaves. Regardless of how kind, loving and unassuming they are.

    YOGA [yo'ga] - The practice of emptying ones mind so a demon can pop in.

  • The Searcher
    The Searcher

    "Glorious ones" - Elders

    w08 11/15 p. 22 par. 9 - While "glorious ones," that is, Christian elders, have faults and may err at times, we must not speak abusively of them.

  • tiki


    Elderette: woman married to man with clout in congrgation ..she knows all the dirt and isn't afraid to use it to her advantage. Excellent gossiping skills required for position.

  • Funchback

    "Secular work" - Your real job.

  • pale.emperor

    "Secular work" - Your real job.

    LMAO!! I never noticed that before!!

  • Funchback


    I was watching a JW video yesterday posted on here and the speaker said 'secular work', and I was like, 'Only JWs use this term'. And then you created this thread.

  • stuckinarut2

    "Spiritual standing" : How active in visible JW activities one is

    "Humility" : How willing a JW is to being told how to live his life by 7 men who don't even know him

  • pale.emperor

    SUBMISSIVE TO THE HEAD - Allow your husband to beat the shit out of you and your kids while you try to be a better wife. Also dont bother him with your opinions or insight. You're only a woman.

    REAL RESEARCH - Trawling through the Watchtower Library CD Rom Trawling though the online library on JW.org which conveniently doesn't have any embarrassing information, failed predictions and hateful speech common in pre-1999 literature. While avoiding Wikipedia, academic books/videos.

    REACHING OUT - A practice for young men who wish to climb the hierarchy to MS and Elder. Allowing yourself to be used for many of the chores that the elders dont want to do while getting in double digit hours in the ministry.

    LOVINGLY HELPING A LOST SHEET - When you try to prove someone elses beliefs to be false.

    PERSECUTION - When someone proves your beliefs to be false.

    MENTALLY DISEASED - A diagnosis by a mental health professional of a behavioral or mental pattern that may cause suffering or a poor ability to function in life. Such features may be persistent, relapsing and remitting, or occur as a single episode. Anyone who leaves and has proof it's all bullshit, regardless of how loving, caring and unassuming the person is.

    LOVINGLY HELPING STUMBLING ONES - Snitching on your mates to the elders. May result in DF (see above).

  • Ding
    HAPPINESS (see also "cure for anything that ails you"): Engaging in nonstop field service and WT meeting attendance
  • Island Man
    Island Man

    INDEPENDENT THINKING [pejorative] - The act of using one's own brain, unbridled by Watchtower reasoning, and arriving at conclusions that are at odds with Watchtower teachings. It matters not how valid the thoughts are and how foolish the Watchtower teaching is.

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