In The Name of Love, Need Your Opinion

by thankyou 77 Replies latest social relationships

  • thankyou



    I'll make it a priority this week before getting involved any further.

    You know, thinking ahead, I'ld settle for just becoming a platonic friend to help her out financially and emotionally.

    It looks like that may not even be possible from her side though. So, very sad to me. I may have to wind up just praying for her only.

    With all the kindness from you folks on this forum and with a lot of prayers by me, maybe this will all work out somehow in a way that greatly benefits her. I hope so. "It's not over till it's over."

    You know when we would go shopping or eat in a restaurant I would sometimes give her the money and let her pay while I (eg). went to the rest room. Even though she was "poor as a rat", I trusted her completely and she was meticulous to immediately give me the change.

    I find her to be such an interesting personality.

    The only problem was that once I expressed some feelings for her she changed. I mean it was weird, did she think I had just been hanging out with for the heck of it. I mean she knew obviously. I guess she was just programmed to react to a verbal manifestation. I should have kept my "mouth shut."

    Thank you again for your advice.

  • thankyou


    Thanks so much for your explanation! I had been wondering about that for awhile now.

  • GLTirebiter

    p.s. Since a JW is admonished not to even date a non JW. How has a JW spouse navigated things in such a way as to end up with a non JW spouse?

    One way they do it is to leave the Watchtower religion temporarily, date the non-JW, become married, and then go back to the Kingdom Hall seeking reinstatement (this often happens when a baby is on the way, as others have mentioned). The returning JW will hear some stern talking-to from the elders, and effectively will be on probation while re-earning their status as an active, obedient witness. This is how I came to be married to a JW; my ex-wife left the Kingdom Hall before we met, and returned soon after we married.

    Another way applies married couples where neither is a Witness. Then one spouse converts to the Watchtower Society, but the other. If the Un-Believing Mate loves their spouse and values the marriage, he will want to stay with his wife regardless of her religion. I use the pronouns' gender deliberately: a JW wife is supposed to be obedient and subservient to her husband, while if the husband converts to the Watchtower he is expected to exercise headship and make his wife do the right thing--i.e., go with him to every meeting at the Kingdom Hall and go with him for at least ten hours of door-to-door preaching (service) every month. He would be seen as spiritually weak if he does not convince her to do so.

    Yet another way is if both once were JWs, but one of them either left the Watchtower religion (disassociated) or was kicked out (disfellowshipped). The former witness becomes a pariah, and often the subject of speculative gossip. The JW spouse and other family members are taught to limit their interaction with the former JW to essential family business. Their JW friends without family ties are expected to avoid the former witness altogether. That adds considerable stress to the marriage; divorce too often follows. Of the ways I have listed here, this is the hardest path for a JW and non-JW couple to follow.


    (Words and phrases in bold italics have specific meanings to Witnesses. Learn their vocabulary, so you can understand what they are saying.)

    [edited to fix paragraph beaks and to highlight reinstatement]

  • thankyou

    GL Tirebiter,

    Thank you for that clear and comprehensive explanation. It's very much appreciated.

    May I ask you 2 questions?

    (1) What, if any, is the consequence or significance of being deemed "spiritually weak"?

    (2) What's the deal with a JW member who is unmarried and "disassociates" herself?

    I ask because early on this gal I'm interested in told me that she wrote/mailed an important letter constituting a very big day in her life. At the time I had a "gut feeling" that it involved her association with her JW religion. Unfortunately, I chose not to be too nosey and ask about it.


  • thankyou

    Hey Silvia,

    " Oh my goodness...this is getting good"

    Get your coffee and your napkin-tissue, cause it's getting even better.

    I'm in a Fla coastal city. It has miles n miles of beachfront with many attached parks.

    What are the odds of this happening.

    Today in the VERY SPOT where this JW girl and I stood on the sidewalk at the end of our second day together discussing whether we had a future, today JW set up a brochure stand with 2 chairs with 2 JW guys, one of whom fortunately is a younger black gentleman.

    Only she, GOD, and myself knew about this spot.

    I had a nice long discussion with them about she and I. They are really patient and do listen.

    One JW gentleman said she's keeping her distance cause she doesn't want me getting between her and Jehovah.

    And I agree that I would never want to get between GOD and her.

    The other gentleman said to start studying the bible with them and tell her about it and it may draw her back to me.

    She loves Jehovah, and I love God.

    IF they are one and the same thing, this might just have a happy ending.

    What say you/folks?

  • OneEyedJoe
    What say you/folks?

    It's a cult.

    Seriously. Don't get sucked in this way, you're better than that. Why else would they need to use social pressure like this in order to get you to join up (if you don't "progress spiritually" and get baptized into the cult, she'll drop you again) if it's a legitimate religion? This is how cults work - they prey on someone who's in an emotionally or mentally weakened state (heartbreak is a very common one) and they provide social support while slowly pressuring you to conform to the group. Please research this cult further ( is a great resource) and information about cults in general ( is very useful here) before you even consider beginning a study. Please please please do not become another victim of this cult.

  • thankyou


    Thanks for your analysis-advice !

    It was sobering. It reminded me that in life where obfuscation, confusion, too much uncertainty etc. are involved there is often a nefarious element present.

    Interesting though, looks like I've met my spiritual match.

    Thanks again!

    p.s. May I ask, at the risk of sounding paranoid. Do you think this was a set-up? I mean I've been living here 1 year and no JW ever set up a public contact-recruitment type thing anywhere around there. I mean they were in the EXACT spot where this girl and I discussed a critical step in the forming of a relationship. And, to be setting it up at this time too.

  • OneEyedJoe
    The cart location was almost certainly a coincidence. If she wanted you to join she most likely would've pushed you to come to meetings or study herself. Most likely she feels deep down that you're too smart not to see the flaws, and doesn't want you to prove the cult wrong to her. I'm doing a bad job explaining this, as it would all be happening on a subconscious level for her. Anyway suffice to say that she, as a woman in a deeply misogynistic cult, is almost certainly unable to influence the locations used for their career witnessing.
  • talesin

    Yes, it sounds like a set-up.

    I will say this. You said, "looks like I've met my spiritual match". Let's examine that.

    You are a Christian person, and most likely take your guidance from the Scriptures. Your spirituality involves a close and personal relationship with your Lord. You believe in doing good deeds, and living a Christian lifestyle.

    On the surface the JWS appear to be similar. Once you scratch the surface of that carefully-molded (by years of indoctrination) veneer, though, you will find your beliefs have little in common with the JWS.

    I encourage you to do some reading on the forum, of other people's stories on this topic. And keep up the dialogue. One thing you will get here, is support.

    That's my 'take' on it. I've been out of the cult for decades, and have seen both sides of the coin. The JW side is quite tarnished.


    Edit: Just read your comment, OneEyedJoe, and yes, I hear you. On the other hand, this is a perfect opportunity to suck someone into their vortex (next step: love-bombing!), that I have to wonder. Did she tell the elders about him, looking for guidance, or out of guilt? Hmmm.

  • silvia
    I'm not surprised. I was just telling one of my friends what they would do. The guys were there with a cart because they were told to be there with a cart. Meaning it was staged. I've had it happen to me in similar ways. So this might mean she is interested in you. Others say it's a cult and I agree that they behave as a collective such as sect like. You're old enough to know and I believe you are smitten and not thinking things through. But if you're really that lonely with the men. Please don't tell them secrets and such. Everything you say will be common knowledge throughout the collective. I'm serious about that. They will know everything about you down to your clothing size. Study and behave and maybe you will get your prize.

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