1- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2- I love deadlines. Especially the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6- I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8- My reality check bounced.
9- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear-end.
16- Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
22- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24- Following the rules will not get the job done.
25- When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"