I'm getting disfellowshipped

by Letty 45 Replies latest jw experiences

  • NewYork44M

    Congratulations! Disengaging from the BORG at 19 is a gift. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please use this as an opportunity to evaluate your priorities. Go to school, learn a skill, travel... The world is open to you. Enjoy!

  • no-zombie

    Hi Letty,

    What should you do if you get kicked out? Unfortunately it depends on a lot of factors.

    For example, Do you have a part time job that may help pay for accommodation? Do you still have some 'worldly' relatives you could temporarily stay with? Do you live in a country where they have crisis accommodation? Perhaps you could start thinking about this.

    But what ever you do, work very hard to control your feelings so as not to panic and do something rash. And while we (on this forum) may not be able to physically help because of where we might live, a lot of us have been in similar circumstances or were appointed brothers, and we are happy to give what advice we can.

    Feeling for you.

    No Zombie

  • tiki

    You need first to calm down and think rationally. Your emotions are yanking you in every which direction. You need to seriously assess yourself..your life...what you really want...your hopes and dreams. You are very young and have a long way to go. Think...just think and figure out who you are and what you want and go for it. It is hard..its tough...life can be very challenging. Work through your dilemma. Find a mentor...someone who can give you guidance and perspective...and beyond religion. It is more than just towing a line for a religion....my heart goes out to you....

  • just fine
    just fine

    They want to keep you off balance emotionally so they can manipulate you. If you get kicked out of your house you find a new place to live. The religion tries to scare you into thinking it will be the end of the world if you leave. It won’t be. Do you have any work mates that might be looking for a roommate? Whatever short term solution you find doesn’t have to be forever, it just has to be safe and something you can afford. One step at a time......

  • millstone

    Hi Letty,

    Your story is so heartbreaking. Your feelings for your bf are perfectly natural, as is your desire for him and the pleasure you take from your explicit messages. The sexual tension created by JWs and their policy of extreme abstinence is so toxic and impossible for most kids to abide by. Please don't beat yourself up too much, everyone else is going to do that for you, so stay strong.

    My advice would be to ride it out in the short term, say what you have to until you can find some part time work, get into school, find some roommates and become self sufficient.

    You're a good kid, your heartbreak at being condemned by your family and yours years of hard work are a testament to that. If you do leave the organization, I think you will have a happier, more complete and fulfilling life in the long run. But in the short term there is going to be a lot of pain. If you can afford it, I recommend seeking counselling of some kind to help you get through the first few years. My cousin was DFd and completely disowned by his family and is still so full of anger and hurt. He and I only recently reunited and I wish I'd been there to help him through that time.

  • Letty

    Thank you guys so much for your replies. I woke up to your replies and i feel like im not alone. All of your comments have really helped me. Its ironic that the very people the organization told me were bad are the very ones helping me in my darkest time. I've been locked in my room all day. My family is already ignoring me. I think I will be strong and try to move out. I know it won't be easy but I can't live feeling like this anymore. I might move in with my nonbelieving aunt and work with her. And I can't give up on true love either. My boyfriend isn't a witness and wants to help me. I already sacrificed everytging else. I won't sacrifice my happiness anymore.

    I will keep you guys updated thank you so much.

  • DesirousOfChange

    You don't say enough about the content of the explicit messages.

    1) Having a boyfriend is not a DFing offense.

    2) Do the messages remove all doubt as to whether you have had sex (any king of sex) with him? If they are vague and you can claim that your relationship has not gone sexual, then you have a better chance of getting out of this.

    3) If it is clear to everyone that you have had already gotten "intimate" (oral sex, intercourse) then you have no recourse but to hope for "mercy" from the Elders. Even then, try to claim that it was only ONE TIME. I love the onions on your fingers suggestion. I'm not sure crying helps all the time, but prob can't hurt to try it. Probably work more on some kind, older Elders. So much depends on who is on the committee, but the direction from the GODs is to not err in being too lenient.

    4) Erasing only the incriminating texts might help you sneak by. Claim that your parents read more into it than what has really happened.

    5) Drop the phone in water and "kill it". OOPS! You didn't destroy the texts, but the evidence is gone. Then LIE LIE LIE (I mean, use theocratic warfare). There must be two witnesses against you. Hopefully you did not confess to your parents. DENY DENY DENY

    OR, if you've concluded there is no way to escape the DFing, then I'd just follow thru with the plan you've stated above. Fuck 'em. Don't expose yourself to there humiliation. Just don't show. Leave for the committee meeting and go to your aunt's or to your boyfriend's. Or, get your stuff packed and have him show up and help you leave. You are an adult. They cannot spot you. If they get violent, YOU call the police.

  • Giordano

    It's difficult .....but I see you are thinking your way through this. And deciding on what boundaries you will accept and which you will not.

    Definitely move into a non judge-mental place where people respect you for who you are.

    Move forward not back. My uber JW family would have never shunned me and my wife. That's not a gift by the way. Unless you enjoy having that 800 pound JW gorilla in the room every time we visited.

    I met and married my wife some 54 years ago when we were teens. We loved each other dearly......we still do. I loved her too much to sacrifice her life by withholding a life saving blood transfusion. That unraveled the entire JW dogma.

    If this is a real relationship then hold it close to your heart. Love one another and continue to raise one another....that's what we did. She had my back and I had hers.

    We started with nothing...pioneers with one.... C minus high school diploma between us. I retired at age 60, we have made hundreds of friends, my wife qualified for a 2nd degree black belt and is a museum level .......one person artist.

    Our non witness grandchildren and our non witness son are a joy. They will never be exposed to the JW nonsense. Nor to their reckless health beliefs and lack of higher education.

    A JW is brought up to live in a world that doesn't really exist.

    And you don't build a paradise earth on the bones of billions who are destroyed at Armageddon. Nonsense through and through.

    Collectively there is a real brain trust at work on this forum. We are here for you, and more importantly we hear you.

    We wish you the best and be assured we will invest our thousand years of EX JW knowledge to help you in any way we can.

  • never a jw
    never a jw

    Don't worry too much. The recovery process is going to be worth all the pain you are getting now, because you will be free in a whole new world, much better world. It will be scary at first, but you will learn to navigate it, just as you learn to walk, one step at the time.

  • Letty

    Thank you all. Yes it's hard to deny what my boyfriend and I texted about and the pictures we sent. Yes the pictures and videos were obviously sexual. Although I've never had sex before or done any sexual act. He's being as supportive as he can be and yes this is real. I love him very much and see a future with him.

    I don't want to lose him. He makes me so happy. To be honest all day that I've been stuck in here in my room my family has gone on like normal. As if I didn't exist. It hurts more tham anyhing but it's helped me realize alot.they can live on without me. Maybe they're better off honestly

    I just feel empty. I haven't even eaten.

    The reason I think I'll get disfellowshipped mostly is thatI won't tell the elders I regret it. Yes I regret the sexual things to an extent. But I don't regret my boyfriend. I cant. How can you regret loving someone completely? Anyways thank you guys so much, you guys are really helping lift up my spirits

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