Well hello everybody! My hubby has been very patient, waiting for me to post my first post - he has been a member of this forum for about three years now, but I've only really "awoken" late November 2016 so it has taken me a little time to be ready to venture into this "new world"...... so here goes!
Ah, as you may have gathered from the above - this is all very new for me. Reading the ARC findings report on the 30th November was like, um, how to describe it - my world stopped turning, everything froze and all of a sudden I realised TTATT.
Without boring you with all intricate details, I'm monumentally incandescent with rage - I've been lied to and manipulated my entire life! Yes, I was raised a Witness. Baptised at 14, regular pioneered from 16 to 26 (now 42 if you're wondering). Ugh. I feel so betrayed and colossally annoyed at the still-in witnesses who can't see what I now see. The ARC just started the process. After reading that report, I then allowed myself to read and research more. It's like taking a bandaid off. Peeling it back bit by bit, hurting with each tug, each new thing that you learn you had wrong, you trusted wrong, you believed and based life decisions on - all wrong, wrong, wrong.
I am one of the lucky ones though because I have an amazing, wonderful, incredibly supportive husband who has been helping me each step of the way. I feel bad that I wasn't there for him when he went through this painful process several years back. Looking back, I now recognise the signs, but I missed it back then. Still, "trying to be positive", I am so very grateful that we are both where we are now - I know I'm lucky.
I'm trying to help myself too. I've started seeing a psychologist to help me process the range of emotions I'm feeling. I've had three sessions and at the last she asked me a question that I'm having a little trouble with and so I reach out to this forum for your thoughts...... She asked: "is there anything positive about your experience being raised as a witness that you can focus on?"
So, I know what she is trying to do, trying to help me counter balance my anger with some positive thoughts. Trouble is, I keep coming up with arguments against anything positive I can think of. Here's an example:
Moral values - right, being raised a witness, you are taught right from wrong, given some kind of a moral code. That's good isn't it? Nup! See, I feel that my "moral code" is now higher and better than the Watchtower. I WON'T tolerate, condone or be part of an organisation that can apply archaic scriptural interpretation (their interpretation!) to the handling child sexual abuse. Exercising my moral rights, I reject Watchtower - which makes me have more integrity than them! Watchtower didn't inculcate moral values into me, they didn't guide them, they certainly aren't guiding them now. Next.....
Volunteering - ok, so I pioneered for 10 years. That taught me the value of volunteering and giving. Right? Nup! See, you can only volunteer to Watchtower. Volunteering to "worldly" organisations is a waste of time because their efforts are all going to fail because the kingdom is the only solution. So when you volunteer to Watchtower you are taught to be a judgemental self-righteous prat. Mmm, not much positive there.
I think you get the idea. Just about anything positive you can come up with, I find a flaw, a reason to tear anything supposedly positive about the organisation entirely apart.
I'm not so sure what that says about me - other than as mentioned I really got to work on the anger thing. So I reach out to those more experienced and mature than me. How did you deal with the rage? The frustration? Were you able to counter balance it with something positive - and if so, what was it??
Sorry about the length - hubby did tell me keep it short, but, I get carried away :)
Unstuck (well, trying to get unstuck!)