Am I Overreacting Here?
Situation: I left the cult 2 years ago. My ex-wife left last month. My mother and her husband have shunned me from the start. I assumed they were shunning my ex-wife too seeing as she's sleeping with her new boyfriend. We have shared custody of our 3yo girl. For a long time things have been amicable and almost no arguments.
I got message today from my ex that my mother has taken her out for the day with my sister (who's also shunning me) and her kids. This, apparently, was planned last week but nobody had mentioned it to me.
I've been more than fair in that i've always said i'd like my daughter to know her cousins despite their religion. All i ask is for any contact or visits from my former family to go through me. This request has not been honored. A request which, as her father, i think is perfectly reasonable and fair. Just so i know where she is and who she's with and what they're doing.
I text my mum asking how my daughter is and what they have planned today. No reply after 2 hours. So i ask my recently exited brother for my mums home number and ring that.
REMEMBER: At this point all i wanted was to know how my daughter is and what they have planned today.
I call. It's answered by my mums husband. Let's call him "Dave".
Me: Hello, is mum there please?
Dave: Who's this?
Me: It's <pale.emperor>
Dave: What do you want?
Me: I want to talk to her about <daughter>
Dave: What about her?
Me: I want to know how she is
Dave: We dont have to tell you how she is
Me: ...(stunned)............what? You do, im her dad
Dave: We can tell her mother how she is and she can tell you
Dave: <her mother> has custody
Me: No she doesnt we both do. Look, im not trying to be confrontational can i speak to mum please?
Dave: You're not supposed to speak to her
Me: I can speak to whoever i want there's no law against it
Dave: <annoyed> hang on i'll see if she wants to speak to you.
<he's muttering and fuming as he's walking to my mum>
Mum: Hello, she's fine
Me: Ok, look, i dont mind you having her, i just want to be kept in formed. <My ex> and i agreed your contact for Erin should go via me.
Mum: But i can tell <my ex> and she can tell you
Me: No, that's disrespectful. <my ex> isnt a JW either so it doesnt matter
Mum: But you know she's here now, whats the problem?
Me: I found out AFTER from someone else. I need to be informed of these things.
Mum: <my ex> told you
Me: AFTERWARDS yes. You're supposed to ask me not her.
Mum: I'll need to ask the elders
Phone cuts off
WTF is wrong with this cult?
Now, I'm seriously thinking of getting some sort of court order where my permission needs to be sought before they have her again. Am i overreacting here? It's completely ridiculous my own mother bypassing her own son to see her granddaughter.
Anyone in the UK know what my legal options are here?
No you aren't overreacting in the least. What a screwed up cult. I'm in the US, so no idea regarding UK legal options but I'd have to believe that between you and your ex, you could restrict the grandparents visitation.
I am pissed off and it's not my deal. Nope, not overreacting. I would be much more harsh and never allow her around them or any JWs if possible.
Sorry man. :(
Done a bit of googling and it all seems to boil down to the fact that my ex is letting them see her. Legally, she can say yes or no just like i can unless there's a danger.
I dont want to go down the sole custody route because i genuinely want our daughter to see both parents 50/50 and decide for herself who she wants to live with when she's older (which will be me because she's never cried coming to mine but ALWAYS cries going to her mums).
You are not overreacting. It's very difficult, and would be very difficult on your daughter to be cut off from family she already knows, but I would seriously consider getting some court order against unsupervised visits with such relatives as they will just be trying to indoctrinate her.
i totally sympathise, Emperor.
but--in real terms theres nothing you can do. ive been there myself--30+ years ago. no communication whatsoever. i had joint custody of my 3 kids. waste of time that was.
I don't think you're overreacting. My blood was beginning to boil while reading your post, and it's not just the part about your daughter. It's also their overall mindset as indicated by the phone conversation. They really think they and their cult and its idolized GB are so right and so righteous and are in a high place, and that all of us are so wrong and so evil and are so low.
I'm sick and tired of playing softball with and tiptoeing around the cult.
I'm not in the UK, so I know nothing about legal options.
Hi you aren't overreacting. I'll pm you
You handled that very well- reasonable, logic and a legally valid concern expressed.
I record my conversations with JWs then write a letter to them to documenting the conversation. In the letter, quote them exactly and explain exactly what is wrong with their conduct .
Send the letter to the congregation secretary and demand a reply with their remedy to the situation.
Dubs are just witless little drones and shunning is their one and only chance to feel powerful. The congregation created the insanity so demand that they fix it. Bury them with paperwork resulting from their vicious hateful policies.
Shunning looks petty and ridiculous in print (and may even violate a legal agreement)
The real value of the letter is that it is a document upon which legal action can be pursued and will be viewed as such by the boe.
It´s actually fun to dump the mess right back in the secretaries lap - good luck
PALEONE - Now, I'm seriously thinking of getting some sort of court order where my permission needs to be sought before they have her again. Am i overreacting here?
No you're not. It's your daughter. She isn't under the JW Sharia law system.
This cult is very dangerous when it gets dictatorial like this.
Your Mum's bloke is a complete c***.