I'm having those attacks too. We had been doing the fading thing for 2 years, but started going again to avoid the elder's visit on inactive ones. But the second meeting we attended they herded us into the elder"s room for the little talk. I explained my numerous health issues. They invited us to go in service. I didnot go. My husband wants to continue as a JW and is going back. He makes life miserable. He told the elders I could write letters to not at homes to count my time. I don't want to do any of this. I lead a double life and proud of it. My panic comes from the fear of my husband turning me in. Crazy huh?
Moving on It is often thought that bereavement and loss only apply to loss caused by death. In fact bereavement, grieving and loss apply to many other situations in life. The situations that cause many people to suffer a deep sense of loss from are: loss of childhood, of recent relationships; the death of people dear to them, faded hopes and aspirations, lost looks, the casual decline of a dream, financial loss or the waning of illusion. Many people do not make decisions because, caught between mutually conflicting wants, they do not want to suffer the loss of the excluded options. We can revive old patterns, endlessly, and the current situation of relationship is’ merely’ the updated version of an old script. This script was written for us by other people, is directed by other people (or so we believe) and we are often not the stars in it! There are specific stages we go through when we suffer a loss. The time it takes to complete the cycle will vary depending on the severity of the loss and our willingness to move on. If several different losses have taken place close together, then, there can be an overlap of stages relating to each loss. In such a case it can be helpful to become aware of which particular stage we are at in relation to each specific loss. This helps to avoid the sense of being overwhelmed that can occur when there is confusion. The stages are: DISBELIEF Shock, denial, numbness SEARCHING Restlessness, need to be busy ANGER Blame GUILT If only DEPRESSION Memories with sadness and loneliness LOSS OF IDENTITY Feelings of worthlessness COMING TO TERMS Adjustment, getting back in touch REHABILITATION Learning to let go, remembering with pleasure ACCEPTANCE Integration, healing & wholeness REINVESTING Putting energy elsewhere, new friends & goals
I really feel for you and had tears in my eyes as I read your post.
I know exactly how you feel. You know the organisation is false, but you are loyal to your husband. And why shouldn't you be.? How dare this organisation make us choose between them and our families. I am so angry and could burst at the injustice that is being done to families everywhere. My children are full of guilt because they can't go on with this pretense any longer, yet they are under pressure from their father, who is under pressure from the 'loving' body of elders.
How did I ever get involved in this? Was I mad?
Please, Spike, stay strong. If you can do it, I can.
Email me anytime at [email protected]
I agree with a lot of what you say. I lost a loved one, my 5 year old daughter, and I have never gotten over it. I cry for her every day. I am sure my husband thinks I am such a weak person. She died over 12 years ago, but I was the one that was with her when she was killed. I sat in the hospital with her when she was wrapped in foil, dead from a broken neck. I am the one that has nightmares about the whole thing. My husband wasn't there and he doesn't understand.
I don't want wealth, fame or anything. All I want is to be able to hold my dear little Claire in my arms again. The elders don't understand and think I am weird because I still break down over her every day - nobody really understands except my mum.
My husband thinks the organisation is the answer to everything. I used to think so, but now I don't. And going to the KH only makes me feel worse, not better.
Rebel...it is indeed a hard thing. I can identify with you a little bit. My wife used to pressure me to go to the meetings. At one time, I was not strong enough to speak out for myself. I am traditionally a peacemaker in the dynamics of a family setting. I would go to keep the peace and would find myself physically ill. Finally, after the last time, we got in the car to go home...and we began talking, I just told her
"Honey you know I love you very much. I would do nearly anything to make you happy. This is one thing that I can't do anymore. I cannot go to the kingdom hall with you. There is too much anger and I have tried to push it aside for the sake of our family being unified in this. I just can't keep it up anymore. If I go, I am agitated the whole time, even having to get up and leave sometimes. If I go, I'm not going to be happy while there...and that in turn will spoil any happiness that you get from being there. So, I think it's just better if I don't go. Please don't ask or expect me to anymore."
Was it a bombshell? sure. Did we live through it? yep. Does she go to meetings still? Yep...Do I ever go with her? Nope. Do we still love each other? Definitely. She calls me "her favorite heathen". LOL
I hope that somehow you can figure a way through this situation...and I do realize that it's different because you are a woman. I'm by no means saying that it should make a difference, but I am a realist. You will be the upstart and he will have the cong. and the elders backing him because of this whole "headship" and "submission" crap.
I will be thinking of you in the days to come. I hope that you can find enough peace to do what you must to overcome these attacks.
Rebel: Thunder Rider hates crowds but no panic attacks I myself have had them especially from 200-2002 I personally got where I didn't want to leave the house. But you HAVE to not go anywhere that makes you get those at first then slowly work up to stuff, I had a job that everytime I would see the building I freaked drove home many times, finally I said screw it and quit I haven't had a bad one since
Therapy will help my therapist told me YOUR NOT GOING TO DIE each time think of the WORST thing that can happen which is really that you feel horrible and feel like your going to die but don't after that and some anti-anxiety meds it is gone <knock on wood> I also have many family members that have the same condition I think we are just very sensitive people.
I have had the day off work today, which has been really good because I have been able to keep up with all the replies.
CoonDawg - I understand the agitation of going to the meetings. I feel so sick when I don't go and I don't know why. Your speech was so touching - I would die to hear a speech like that!! My husband would never do it - he is so old-fashioned and boring and likes a woman to 'be in her place' - his favourite expression!!
SheilaM - God, I am such a mess at the moment!
I will reply another time.
Hi Rebel. Sorry about the panic attacks. I have had a few, years ago and know some others who still do.
There are some medications for them. zanax (spelling?) is one. There are others. While a panic attack is very real and frightening, they are often not based on reality. The source of the panic is often not a real physical danger and possibly, not even an emotional danger. Although a real danger of either kind, can and will cause panic attacks.
The approach used to correct the problem, almost always involves confronting the source of the fear, in one way or another.
If it were me, I think I would go to the KH and make myself endure the fear and reassure my self over and over again, that this will not kill me and I can do this. Once I could go there without a panic attack, I would address the issue of never going there again.
In my opinion, this is the more difficult part. How do you do this and keep your family together? Based on the little info we have regarding this issue, I would not venture a single word.
It seems to me that your mind is aware of this issue and this is a part of the panic. If it were me, I would seek out a QUALIFIED counselor and explore these issues.
Wishing you the calm and contentment that you deserve in life, as we all do.
I know how you feel...I hid out in the mothers room when I still went to the KH. :( At our Circuit Assembly, I was crying outside of the auditorium, and this "brother" was sitting there with his Bible, and told me that I should not be talking during the session. I looked him in the eye and said, "How would you like to just leave me alone?" Not exactly spitting venom, but it felt good. Re: panic attacks. They run in my family. My baby sister even made it on the Oprah Winfrey show because of her battle with them. There are medications that help. (Bowing to the Celexa God). Take care. *hugs*