This may sound insane but I literally have blood on my hands as I have just come home from a counselling session that went wrong...I wanted to collate all that has happened and record it...Hospital policy is against it. I said "What am I alive for then if not to tell the truth" She tut tutted and I walked out sadly in despair.
When I got to the ground floor there was a young girl screaming her head off. She was afraid, that is all she was...........afraid. She was walking fast and looked like she could throw a good punch if needed. I saw the cowards letting her go........".not today, not today" I thought...I went right next to her and followed her out of the clinic....She went into the middle of the road and tried to throw herself infront of a big black vehicle. I grabbed her hard and said........" I love you, you must not die". I don't know why I said it but I really felt this intense love and fear for her....She was dodging me, not looking me in the eyes.........Another car came by, she ran for it....I literally pushed her away and I swear it missed me by about a foot....I grabbed her and said she reminded me of someone I used to know really well...." Who? What are you? Are you one of them? " "No, I am like you and you are really pretty with lovely hair and I really do mean it. I love you and want you to get past this and live"
She ran away and grabbed a bottle and smashed it on the ground and started slashing herself. I came up to her and said it was okay and showed her my scars...Everytime the blood flowed I drew love hearts out of it. I could think of no other way to let her know that I cared. I told her my name..........Juliette and asked her to remember me as the one who drew love hearts with her blood and her pain. I told her it was okay to burst her boil of pain and ..........."By the way, who hurt you that you want to hurt yourself?" "My father:" She said....I got her to drop one piece of glass so that I could hold her cold hand and I kept telling her that blood was okay, I understood and that she was safe with me...." Why are you doing this". >> "Because I really do care and I love you believe it or not, I really understand and am not afraid of your expressions of pain..." I asked her her name.....Riley....I said she must try to stay in a safe fold, I would not let her die while I was there.
This coward of a man. A psychiatrist came out, they all came out........they stood ridiculously far away, afraid for themselves..........He asked me what she said.......I told him she would most definitely kill herself, she had just literally tried to throw herself infront of two cars..." While you watched me and her and did not help!!!!!!!!!!!!" Asshole
He actually asked me what he needed to do...I said...Tell her you love her and that you want her to live and surivive her sexual abuse instead of freaking her out all the time, with your' f_*)*)ing drugs...." Believe me she will do it."
I had calmed her to the point that she was slowing down on the slashing side of things....She promised me she was clean........oh God, as if I care. I really don't...She is so young and afraid.
What if I had sat in that counselling session on minute longer? What if she had succeeded in killing herself.........Not on my bloody watch....I lost my Emma to suicide...
They took her in, under police escort. I told her to tell me my name..........Juliette! " Good girl" I said. " I have put your; jacket inside and I will remember you always, I will watch out for you".
Shattered I got into my car came home poured a stiff scotch and put Pink Floyd on.
There was the answer to my pathetic question of "Why am I here and why was I ever born?"