I am confused......Any opinions???

by nita6368 44 Replies latest social family

  • SPAZnik

    nita :)

    i think you misunderstand me, perhaps I wasn't clear enough,
    i was in no way suggesting that you repeat past performances.
    in fact I suggested trying NEW things to improve the situation.

    i didn't say give him the opportunity to be a man by taking care of "things".
    i said by taking care of "himself" (as in, getting off his ass and not relying on you) and treating you better
    (by taking up some slack and pulling some of his own weight).

    to put my suggestions as simply as i can for you,
    i'm saying stick up for yourself, absolutely protect yourself....financially, emotionally, physically, etc, from ANY person who from the sounds of things looks out for himself only and not for you.

    by opportunity I meant that when you stick up for yourself by making the obviously necessary changes here,
    he is being given the opportunity to rise to the occasion and smarten up.

    people will take advantage of you if you let them. absolutely stop letting him.

    if you want the relationship to continue in a healthier state, make the changes you see as necessary, and communicate your reasons and expectations of him.
    if you want to simply end the relationship, make the changes you see as necessary, protecting yourself as best you can from the fallout, and kick him out or wait for him to leave.

    you said you are confused and you asked for opinions, those are mine.

    am i making myself any more clear, or shall i quit while i'm behind? ;)


  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    Hi again Nita,

    If you plan to ask him to leave your house, may need to get a restrainig order to get him to stay away.

    I suggest that one of your "personal improvement" projects might be to get instruction and practice in how to use a handgun to defend yourself and your kids. I would not let him know I was was receiving such instruction or that I owned a gun. It is also important to teach your kids gun safety and proper use of a gun if they are old enough. As the experience of many women has shown, a restraining order does not prevent him from flying into a rage and behaving badly. You have to be able to protect yourself. Find an NRA instructor and learn from her. (Yes, I am a member of the NRA.)

    I don't know how strong your ties are to your present location, but you might also want to consider making a geographic relocation part of the plan. Yes, this would involve a lot of changes - sell the house, putthe kids in new schools, possible new employment, etc. Change can be good.

    There are investigators who can provide you with informatin about the criminal and credit histories of prospective future companions. This can be money wisely spent.

  • Scully

    I agree that getting a background check done on your husband is a good idea. There are websites where you can get this information online for a very small fee. You can find out their credit history, judgements against them (bankruptcies, foreclosures, repossessions, etc), sometimes divorce or child support orders; very extensive information.

    If you're not going to go the NRA route (having a gun in your home may not be something you want, especially with kids in the house) please consider some self-defense training.

    If you anticipate violence on his part, you need to have an escape plan to keep yourself and your children safe. If he has been violent or made threats against you or the children in the past, you need to document this and file a report to the police.

    If you have your own vehicle, pack an overnight bag with essential items - including emergency cash, telephone numbers and addresses of safe places you can go to. Have one for each of the kids too. If you can afford it, store the bags in one of those garage sized rental lockers, and keep sleeping bags there too, and some non-perishable food (peanut butter, crackers, juice boxes) stored in sealed containers. Get a PO box and have your mail re-directed, especially your new banking information.

    If you have joint credit cards, get one now in your name only and do not use it. Save it for an emergency, such as having to make a rapid escape. Do not use it if you do not want to create a paper trail. Then, take your name off the joint credit cards. You will need to do this in writing.

    Hopefully you will not need to do any of this. It sounds to me, considering that this is his 3rd marriage, that he's quite content to move on to the next watering hole when he's worn out his welcome without much of a fuss. But do find out who he's seeing next time around and give her a heads up about what to expect from him. Just because you got stuck with him for three years doesn't mean that anyone else has to. It might do him some good to be on his own for a while. But for what it's worth, it sounds like his family will just keep coddling him and enabling his behaviour, so there's not much hope of reform from him.

    Take care of yourself and the kids. First. Always.

    Love, Scully

  • safe4kids

    Hi Nita

    I can relate to some of what you're going through, and I think you've been given some great advice especially by Spaz and Scully. Have you considered a trial separation? Sometimes, that can shock a person into realizing that they need to make changes if they are interested in keeping a relationship. You haven't mentioned your feelings for this man, whether you love him and if you really want to save the marriage, so I don't know if a separation is a viable option or if a clean break is what you're looking for. I do know that I wholeheartedly concur with the thoughts expressed that your kids' needs must have a priority in your plans.

    I've been divorced for just over two years and I have two children, an 11 year old son and a 9 year old daughter. I think that trying to integrate another person in their lives would be difficult at best and a disaster at worst, and so I'm quite happy not to get involved in a serious relationship at this time. I like being single and I absolutely refuse to give up any of my hard won independence. I'm not saying that blended families can't work, I just don't think I have the emotional energy to take care of myself, my kids, and also devote the necessary effort and energy a relationship requires. Especially, I will not ever allow my children to be bullied by another adult in their own home. I think that your instincts are right on the money.

    At any rate, making some of the changes that you've mentioned here should act as a wake up call for your husband, at which point he will be able to make his own decision as to whether he's interested in saving the relationship (therefore having to make changes in how he interacts with you and your children) or not.

    I also want to echo Scully's thoughts that loving and trusting a person, forgiving them and giving them second chances, are not things to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. I see them as strengths, not weaknesses. But there does come a time when you have to weigh those against continued dysfunctional behavior, and take the necessary steps to get out of a situation that is not improving. Best of luck to you and your family, Nita, I know this is not an easy or painless time for you.


  • nita6368

    Spaz, Scully , Dana and Nathan

    Thanks. More and more it is looking like the clean break would be more beneficial to me. It is his home he had it before we were together, I am looking for a house in the school district so my kids don't have to switch schools. As far as my feelings for him, we are not equals it is like I am taking care of another child (a child with free reign of the checkbook). I was quite hardened after my divorce with the jw and sometimes I catch myself feeling like I just haven't given him enough of a chance but deep down I know I have and if one of my friends brought this situation to me I would tell her to leave...now. It has just been hard with everyone around him singing his praises for me to look at him realistically and not how I wanted him or believed him to be. I am seperating my money, I have my bills in a debt consolidation plan (he did a number on my credit) and I have a new reliable car. I have been slowly getting my stuff ready. I don't think he will be violent but as one of you said he will move on to his next free ride and yes she will be educated on his ways if I have anything to say about it. his stepmother tells me she feels bad because she knew about him and didn't say anything to me for fear of fallout from his dad.So I guess I have been trying to make a crazy situation sane. thank-you all for your words of wisdom, you have helped me to see I'm not crazy or hasty.


    You are perfectly clear! I was not understanding you completely before.

  • ugg

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( nita )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    tough situation....kids come first.....

  • nita6368

    thanks ugg...I agree with you....hugs back to you!

  • Sentinel


    I'm so sorry you are having such problems. Your man is immature and spoiled. His family is behind him because they "don't want him", and they know you are there to take care of him, so they don't have to be bothered.

    He was not honest with you about his finances, so he married you under false pretenses. In some states, if proven, this can get you a divorce. You are trying to hold everything together, and he shows no appreciation. On top of that he is abusing your children.

    Yet, if anything goes wrong, it's your fault. Been there, my dear. You need to separate your funds from him and put a hault to his spending and wasting money. If you continue to let him do these things, you will have established a pattern--and an understanding between the two of you--and he won't stop, because he doesn't feel he has too.

    If the money stops flowing, he will soon begin to look at things differently. If he doesn't, he needs a separate checking account and a separate place of residence.

    My best wishes to you.

  • breeze

    Just remember no one is perfect....so your search will be a long one....like never will you find a perfect man...

    I am not surprised that so many quickly advise to leave and make your situation even worse???

    Most people think to give up is the easiest path not so...it will be harder....

    Be careful, if you re-marry and do so on the grounds that the new hubby is an equal, he will want to dominate you....so u won't come out again.....

    Go slowly......


  • buffman

    Your hubby and my wife should get together. Men and women don't change. It's not a gender thing, just a fact of life. My wife begged me to stay grasping for things that might save the marriage, but as you probably realise already, ppl like that are really grasping to hold on to their free ride through life. They are scared because they DREAD having to actually stand on their own two feet and take responsibility for themselves. I let my wife leech off me for 9 years of marriage. She might have actually worked full time 6 months of that time. Now that I'm gone, guess what? She STILL dont work full time. See, they dont change. Anyway, that's my 2 cents.


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