I am confused......Any opinions???

by nita6368 44 Replies latest social family

  • nita6368

    Thanks Everyone.....

    I have told him not to discipline my kids...works for awhile then back to usual. I do stick up for my kids all the time when he is in the wrong about things.

    As far as trading down my last husband was brain dead cult member ..couldn't have gotten any lower. I was doing good on my own for 4 years. Thought it would be nice to share my life I guess I just didnt pick an equal partner. As far as being emotionally drained...I am nearly there. Thanks so much you guys.....you are confirming alot of my thought!

  • nita6368


    Yes it is a pattern I am afraid...He has been married twice before....each marriage broke up right before the three year mark. That must be how long it takes to realize its not going to get any better...I am just slow.


    Thanks for the "brotherly" advice. Being on my own sounds really good.At least then I will be responsible for my own happiness not unhappy because of someone else's actions. Or something like that. Thanks.

    Edited by - nita6368 on 1 January 2003 22:4:31

  • Scully

    You need to do what is best for you, but most of all you need to do what is right for your kids. They do not deserve to be treated by this man in an abusive way.

    Start first thing by cutting him off from your money. You earned it. You worked hard for it. He's abused the privilege of sharing your money. His debts (which he really should have told you about up front) were HIS problem, not yours. If HE doesn't believe in separate bank accounts, it's obvious that HE had an ulterior motive in wanting it set up that way. And it doesn't mean that you have to do it HIS way, just because HE believes in JOINT accounts. Tell him it's temporary, because YOU want to keep track of YOUR spending, and suggest that he take the opportunity to do the same with HIS money. Yes, he's going to squall about it, because he was using it to bail HIMSELF out and help HIMSELF to things with YOUR money. As far as I'm concerned, you don't OWE him a dime. If he doesn't like it, tell him it's a helluva lot worse on the street. Don't let him be a deadbeat at your expense. You're the one who is going to get their credit rating screwed up because of his stupidity.

    Actually, don't even tell him that you've set up another account. Just go to a different bank, set up an account, and then have your payroll office change your direct deposit information.

    You don't have to hit someone to abuse them.... taking liberties with your money is another form of abuse. Money is one way of controlling someone else. He's spending your money so that you can't spend it yourself. Stop allowing him to get away with it. Save your money for when you're going to need it for your kids. Put it in a college fund or something. Just make him responsible for his own money and don't give him any more of yours when his runs out. He won't die if he doesn't buy another piece of NASCAR memorabilia.

    Love, Scully

  • nita6368

    thanks Scully

    I opened another account before Christmas and have changed my direct deposit payroll to it. I know ultimately this is my fault for letting him do it. Slowly it seems he has taken over everything. I will get it back in control.

    Edited by - nita6368 on 1 January 2003 22:25:9

  • Scully


    I know ultimately this is my fault for letting him do it.

    No. I'm not going to let you blame yourself for this, ok?? He's the one with the problem, not you. He wanted you to trust him, and you did. He repaid your trust with bamboozling you. You gave him an opportunity to prove his trustworthiness, and he blew it.

    Taking steps to correct the problem does not mean you have to find fault with yourself. Trusting someone and loving someone are two very good qualities, and everyone deserves to have someone in their lives whom they can love and trust. The problem is when one person demands the trust and then abuses it because they know the other person "loves" them and will "forgive" them. It isn't your fault that he was the way he was, and it wasn't wrong of you to love and forgive either. It isn't wrong for you to get fed up with it and want to change things now. Please don't let him make you feel guilty about doing this. He's brought it all on himself. He's about to "reap what he's sown".


    Love, Scully

  • nita6368

    Thank-You Scully.

  • SPAZnik
    After 3 years someone's probably not going to change, right?

    In my experience, people change only when they are made uncomfortable.

    For instance, you are no longer comfortable with how he's treating you, your kids and your money...so you are now thinking of making changes to improve your situation.

    Make the best decisions you can right now.
    Try new things to improve the situation.
    It's up to you to start treating yourself and your children like you are each worth being treated well.
    Perhaps your husband will follow your example. Perhaps not.
    Whatever the case, I think you'd be doing him a favor if you gave your husband the opportunity to learn to be more of a man by taking care of himself and treating you better too.
    It's up to HIM what he does with that opportunity.

    The changes you make, may make him uncomfortable. Try to be prepared for that. Stick to your guns.
    If you have trouble doing this for yourself, perhaps it will help to ask yourself
    what lessons are you teaching your children if you do not do something to improve the situation?


    Edited by - SPAZnik on 1 January 2003 22:49:33

  • nita6368

    Thanks Spaz,

    The last time I gave him the opportunity to take care of things we received a foreclose notice on the house. he borrowed money from his dad to pay the phone bill and money from his grandpa to pay house taxes. He has never ever had to buckle down and do anything, his family always bails him out. I am finding out this has been going on for a very long time. I cannot lose certain things...like the house so he knows I will step in. I am afraid the situation with my kids will get worse if it continues, I have 3 boys the older 2 are teenagers the other is 9. I do not want them to grow up to be this way. I agree it is a bad example. Thanks for your advice.

    Good nite All...thanks for everything, I have alot to think about and will check back in the morning. As for now its bedtime

  • jgnat

    Nita, it sounds like you are well on your way to making some independent choices for yourself. Splitting up the bank account was going to be my first piece of advice. The fella has the backing of his family 100%? I am not surprised. A prince like him had to have somebody telling him he was always right. Do you have your own family network to rely on?

  • nita6368


    oh in his families eyes he can do no wrong, he comes home at 3:30 and plays video games until at least 10:00 (hes playing right now!) every night and they think thats ok...cause he's unwinding. his mom came to visit this summer and spent $2,000 on Nascar junk on him then went home and borrowed money from her dad to pay her rent.And thinks it's ok. Every one nearly worships him in his family. He was the first son, the first grandson, the first great grandson and he still has all of his granparents alive, they are in their 80's.. Unfortunately I have only one brother left, my parents and another brother have all passed away. I do have several good friends to rely on though.

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