I am confused......Any opinions???

by nita6368 44 Replies latest social family

  • nita6368

    I have read alot of the advice offered on this board and was hoping to broaden my thoughts on my problem any opinons will be appreciated. I have been married for 3 years. I don't have any children by this man but have 3 from a previous marriage. He has one child from a previous marriage. My husband was not in a good financial state when we married. I was not aware of his financial problems until after we were married. I have a good paying job, more than he makes. For the past three years we have dug him out of his hole. He doesn't appreciate it but acts like it was my job to do and his money to spend since we are married. He collects Nascar memorabilia using joint finances because he doesn't believe in keeping them seperate. he says married people should have a joint account. Now the straw that breaks the camels back...he yells at my kids. not as in discipline but just riding their butt about stupid stuff, almost like he's jealous.this has been going on for three years and when I get fed up and decide to leave he promises to change and does for a bit but as soon as I let my guard down we are right back at square one.After 3 years someone's probably not going to change, right? I have pretty much made up my mind to leave but would like to hear someone else's voice of reason Just a little background, he has no idea about anything witness related...he's not religious at all, not spiritual either.he does not understand the effects of leaving the cult. Thanks for your two cents.

  • LeslieV

    Dear Nita;

    Unfortunately you have married a child. He is self-centered, controlling and more then likely jealous. You are right when you say that he is jealous of your children. He truly believes that your time and energy should only be for him and they are intruding. I am married and I have a seperate everything. Seperate checking, savings, credit cards etc. I hate to tell you that more then likely he will never change. You need to think if you are better with him or without him. Obviously you can support yourself financially, so you will be surprised how much more you will have for yourself and your kids without him.

    I do not know if he would be willing to go to somekind of marital counseling or not. It really has to be because he wants to go not that it will make you stay with him. If he does not go for himself then he will just revert to his old behavior. Good luck Nita and keep your chin up. Keep coming back and remember you are worth more than how he is treating you. This is just my 2 cents I certainly do not know all the facts. You are the person that has to live with your decision.


  • Mum

    Nita, I don't want to give advice but to offer my perspective:

    Your children did not marry this guy. If you want to live with him, that's fine, but have you ever asked your children if they want to live this way? Is there another relative or other relatives your children can stay with if they want out?

    The marriage does not seem to be working as you see it, but working just fine as he sees it. It does not sound like an equal partnership (from your description, which is all I have to go on), nor does it sound like a good model for your children to learn from.

    On another thread, I saw a quotation from Maya Angelou that went something like "When someone shows himself to you, believe him." From yet another thread, I remember the advice to ask yourself what you would say to one of your best friends or one of your children in the same situation.

    This is difficult for you. I can tell you are torn. I hope you make the choice that is best for you and all other parties involved. BTW, I do not think it best for anyone who is an adult to be tolerated or enabled when engaging in behavior that is harmful to self or others.

    Keep us updated. Best wishes and Happy New Year!


  • SheilaM


    I agree with Leslie 100% get your own accounts divey up the bills and if he is willing to go to therapy great! If not start stashing money so that your not hurting when you leave. Also let your children know that you do not approve of what he is doing but don't let them feel they can pit you against each other.

    Best of luck

  • nita6368

    Thank-you ladies...I agree with you 100%. We have talked about seperate accounts and money and bills and he resists me. This has been so hard for me because to the outside world he seems like a great guy. No one knows the turmoil at home. His family backs him 100% and I am made out to be the bad guy because I have put a stop to his spending. The truth is I bring in 3 times his income in a month.Thanks for your perspectives and I believe I am on my way out.

  • pr_capone

    I was the child when my mother was in a similar situation as yourself. It is of utmost importance that you let your kids know that you do not approve of the way that he is treating them.

    I dont know if this is something that you can do but when my mom realized what he was doing she told him that he was to have no part in my discipline. She told him that she is my mother and she is the only one who has the right to discipline me in any manner. She left it in no uncertain terms that she would be VERY upset if he were to try to discipline me again.

    After this took place my relationship with my step dad improved dramaticaly.


  • Jesika

    I think you are right in wanting to leave. You have given him chances to change. Plus he was dishonest with you by not telling you about his $ probs, and since I am sure he knew you made good $ he could have seen this as a good way to get himself out of debt.

    If you don't like the way he is treating your children, then your kids come first.

    Get your own place to get the kids out of the situation. If he really wants to work things out, stay in your own place, get your own bank account(before you leave and take what you think is yours out of the current one), and demand counseling.

    That way you can see if you are happy without him and what effect it has on your children--neg or positive.

    Just a suggestion, you may want to post this in the "friends" forum if you want alot of responces. Friends is the one most people look at first.

    Hugs to you,


  • breeze

    My opinion?? OK.....

    If he isn't hurting you just work with him on the money thing......did you improve your life the last time you traded for him?

    Probably, you will continue to trade down until u get a really bad asshole....

    I hope this helps you, try to stay focused on why you liked him to begin with!!!

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    If you were my sister, this is what I'd tell you:

    The bottom line is that NO MAN changes for any woman, regardless of how much the woman hopes that "her love" will change him. You've seen that in your relationship with this guy over the past few years. It is not going to change.

    While it is possible that you may continue to "trade down," to the next Hannibal Lecter or Billy Bob Beauhunk, it is possible that you might trade up, or you might decide that NOTHING (as in no relationship at all) is BETTER than what you and your kids have right now. It's not a crime to be a single woman for a while, and it's not a crime to take your time dating a few different guys before you decide who is the one you want.

    "Honey, I decided that nothing is better than our relationship, and so tomorrow you are out of my life."

    One thing is certain - as long as you stay with this guy and hope for some kind of testosterone-defying miracle, your chances for a better situation are near zero.

    PS - I am not a chick.

    Edited by - Nathan Natas on 1 January 2003 21:24:15

  • bigfloppydog

    If you stay with him, you will likely get emotionally drained, and your children are paying the price for his behaviour, I believe you would be better on your own. Some people just never seem to change and it is like a cycle that repeats itself over and over again, is this how you want to live, is this how you want your children to grow up. Keep your money sweetie, and move on. Three years should kind of give you an idea of changes that he is not going to make on a permanent basis.

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