atacrossroads, I wanted to extend heartfelt sympathy. My situation is somewhat different, as my wife and I faded together, and now are just waiting on announcement of our disassociation, but I think that maybe I can offer something that might help. I have seen people go out in different ways. Some, like us, had concerns for a long time and we expressed them to one another about minor things, but as they built up over the years we took them more seriously. I then started to do the unthinkable and researched outside of the organization's publications and my fears were confirmed. I even asked permission from my wife to do so before going on sites like this and others. It was a huge step for me, and I knew that it would affect both of us, so I asked out of respect. The rest is history, though my wife had a hard time at first, and I had a harder time than her later, but we worked it out together because of mutually shared concerns that we discussed little by little over many years.
In your case the dam just seemed to break. A sudden event triggered your concerns and research into the organization. Boom, like a bomb was dropped. No time to prepare, and it isn't like you asked to see what you saw any more than my wife and I did, but your awakening was more sudden and one-sided.
All of that is to say that I wonder if you could try to ease your husband into this new state somehow. It seems from what you wrote that it went pretty quickly. Have you guys discussed things that didn't seem kosher over the years? Is he totally blind and unwilling to discuss anything that he sees as wrong? You can't erase what's been done, but perhaps you can turn back the clock a bit by finding common ground as it relates to the organization. Maybe you could even pay it a compliment and acknowledge something positive about it, as few things are all good or all bad. That's sales 101 (or what we were taught about going about our preaching work in the organization), to find common ground in a situation where people are far apart on something. Then work it out slowly. If he had issues with something in the past, maybe bring up that thing that he had problems with and talk it out a bit. Be self-deprecating if need be to get him to let down his defenses. Under the massive ego that the organization has people put on like a mask of control and fear is a person, likely a really great, thoughtful, sincere person from what you've said. He may be able to let that down with time and patience.
There was a video posted on here from a young couple that left the organization together. He was the first to look into things, and she later followed? What was the key? Among other things, trust. She knew that she could trust him in other things, so that trust in him and his sincerity and the conversations they had leading up to that time made her realize that he wouldn't be criticizing the organization without good reason. That helped her to let her guard down. The same thing happened with my wife and I. We had tremendous trust in one another and had been through a lot of wars together over the years. This wasn't the first time we discussed doubts or issues with things in the organization. In both of our cases it isn't like it was planned out that way and we just had something that you guys don't, but it just happened that way. How can you reestablish trust and build on that? That is something only you can answer. However, if you just take an opposite position and don't have respect for where he is, you will end up losing him. My wife and I made sure to respect where each other was even it if meant leaving at a slower pace and allowing the other to have the time and space they needed. Maybe you can slow down a bit and maybe that would help him not to be so freaked out. You have to admit that when JW's get married they never see themselves in your position right now, or ours for that matter. Change is hard, especially when it is never even considered as an option, and JW's have a penchant for thinking inside a small box and thinking that nothing in there will ever change.
I really wish you two well. I'd love to see you both work this out if you could. Being able to leave together is one of the most amazing things we've ever done together and has brought us so much closer. And that's pretty freaking close, as we work together daily and are together pretty much 24/7 and have been for many years. This has been an amazing time in our lives, difficult no doubt, soul crushing at times, but the freedom and joy now is unparalleled. You never know, it may be possible in your case if you exercise patience. Then again, I also understand why it is hard to exercise that patience. We just DA'ed for that very reason, we didn't want to play those games anymore. It is tough to pick and choose which battles seem productive.