Leaving the org and marriage possibly ending

by atacrossroads 51 Replies latest jw friends

  • Tornintwo

    Hi atacrossroads

    i am in a similar situation to you, just woken up, but my husband is devout and very controlling. I admire that you have been true to yourself and to your conscience, I hope that they just let you go quietly.

    You are right to be relieved there are no children involved, we have 3, 1 out, 1 in but struggling and a baby. That's where the differences really hurt, when we are parenting (particularly our teenager who is still in) and she is struggling with the friendship issue at the moment (not allowed 'worldly' associations but no good friends in the 'truth'). I want to lift the pressure off her and let her make her own decisions about friends, not to let difference of religion get in the way of a friendship, he specializes in making her feel guilty and ashamed if she ever 'defies' him and spends time with her 'worldly' schoolfriends. He is difficult in lots of other ways even the witnesses see it, so right now I'm not sure our marriage will survive. In the past I've always stayed and even put up with abuse because I had to as a good witness wife, that barrier is no longer there, although I'd like to make things work for the sake of the kids, if he'll work with me that is.

    if I had a husband who was loving, supportive and a 'good husband' like you do, I would slow down a bit, for the sake of his feelings, it's a shock to him and he has not read what you have read. Concentrate on positive areas of your marriage, recreation etc, spend time doing fun things together, don't criticize his dub ways. But just ask for mutual respect on your different viewpoints, ask him for help not to get df'd. When he sees you are happy doing other things, but still a good wife, he might start to question things himself.

    Re the holidays I would not do it under his nose, go to a college do yes, but don't put decorations in the house, it will cause unnecessary friction and damage your fade.

  • kairos

    There are many that have experienced similar situations as yourself.

    I honestly thought my wife would leave me for exiting JWs.
    We are still together and it can be very challenging.
    We are both committed to staying together and being a mutual support for the remainder of our lives.

    There are a few topics I have started that may be of use to you and others.




    The first step to freedom is rejecting the "authority" of the elders over you. When I realized that they are strangers for the most part, why in the world would I want to tell them things that they will immediately gossip about? They were never my friends.

    Feel free to PM me anytime.
    This will be the hardest thing you have ever had to cope with.
    The hardest part is already over, now that you are awake to TTATT.

    I wish I had the patience to take a slower approach.
    My JW wife constantly reminds me that there is no emergency.
    There isn't.

    If you need help getting the elders off your case, we can help you there, too.

    Welcome to the forum and freedom.

  • Xanthippe
    Atacrossroads and Tornintwo I think you are both incredibly brave women. I don't have any advice because I had such a different experience but I just wanted to wish you well on your journeys.
  • The Searcher
    The Searcher

    Hello atacrossroads, a very big WELCOME!

    My wife and I are successfully and rapidly fading - not in the least worried about prying elders and fellow J.W.'s, because we have our firewall prepared;

    "Thank you for asking, not at the moment, there are just some private & personal things which I can only discuss with Jehovah in prayer, but I appreciate your loving concern."

    Use this to fend off invitations to attend field service, meetings, or shepherding calls.

    You're not refusing to talk or explain anything, you're simply putting it off until you "feel ready" for it!!! :)

    Tell no one anything - except your cousin.

    I really wish you well.

    P.M. anyone here if you want to talk about anything specific. You are not alone - you have many friends here.

  • Freesoul
    Hopefully if you try and fade they won't go after you like your cousin, after all you are only a women. That's what happened to me.
  • freddo

    Okay. You have far more self control than I do but you have not communicated with your husband for fear of being DF'd for apostacy. Understandable but maybe counterproductive now.

    1. Using ONLY the society publications show him the generation that will not pass away WT (May 1984?) stick to that as one reason. Do NOT show him anything on the net from sites such as this one. Show him the 1969 Awake about not having a career in this world because in a a few years it will be gone. Show him Luke 21 v 8 and stress "anyone saying the end is near is not to be followed". If you can get a scanned copy of the original Jan 1st 1989 Watchtower page 12 paragraph 8 then do so. Show the difference between the preaching work ending "in our 20th century" and "in our time" (on the website and in the bound volume).

    2. Handling of child abuse. Get the Royal Australian commission Website up - research the documents and the testimony and tell him this has made you want to wait on Jehovah. Tell him a governing body member has been called to testify.

    3. Tell him you love him and want to be with him and be the best wife ever. (not a doormat though)

    4. Prove by your lifestyle that you haven't gone crazy apostate. Don't go celebrating Xmas etc. (yet) Win him over quietly.

    Play the long game and good luck.

  • The Rebel
    The Rebel

    To answer your questions:-

    Q.1. I left and my marriage is still in tact.

    Q 2 . " are we both happy? if you mean in our religiouse relationship, our last fight was over the noice she made from the vacuum cleaner as I watched T.V. That may seem a silly comment but we both realised it was more fun than arguing religion.

    I hope you can instigate similar arguments, so your man realises a good husband has house hold chores that are more important than religion.

    Wish you the best.

    The Rebel.

  • tiki

    Sorry to hear of your dilemma.....lot of good advice here and from those who've travelled similar paths. Enjoy your education...get that degree...enjoy your job and nonjudgmental people...

    Maybe he'll wake up when he sees you happy and stable ... Maybe not though...then you'll have to figure out your next move......

    Hang in there and keep posting here. We get it...and it takes time to detach from that wretched religion and its effect.


  • Frazzled UBM
    Frazzled UBM
    Congrats on your courage and intellectual honesty. I hope it is not as bleak as it seems - I can't help but feel your husband will come around. I was never a witness but my wife is a born-in who got reinstated and went very zealous on me for a while and it nearly destroyed our marriage but I showed her she was very important to me and that I was going to hang in there and she eventually stopped going and we are good now. It sounds like you love your husband and he loves you. It has clearly been a shock to him that you have learned TTATT and he is adjusting to that. Be patient with him and let him know you love him unconditionally and that you have no desire for a divorce. He is caught in a bind between his programming and his love for you. Keep letting him know how much you love him. Hang in there and good luck. Frazzled
  • The Rebel
    The Rebel
    Frazzled you said in words perfectly what my poor attempted post 39 minutes prior to yours tried to say. All I would add is I do believe in " happy ever after" and I really hope it works out for ya, " atthecrossroads" The Rebel.

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