Leaving the org and marriage possibly ending

by atacrossroads 51 Replies latest jw friends

  • Victor

    Hi atacrossroads sorry to hear about your situation. I wrote this article circa 1996 when I was in the same situation.


    If it's any consolation to you, while the journey out of JW's is painful, the freedom, peace of mind and joy is worth it.

  • Thursday

    Welcome atacrossroads :)

    Many hugs for you.

    I was married to a active-but-not-super-fanatical JW, and I was not a believer but baptised and didn't do research as I was pretty good at doing what I was told, I was just miserable. I eventually started researching, including reading CoC etc and online, verified what I had always thought about the religion, expressed some views delicately to my husband, and he knew I had the CoC book even though I hid it.

    He refused to talk about it, I stopped going to meetings, he would just say I was sick for months and no one really bothered me as I was not close to anyone in the congregation anyway, I kept my distance always and never made close friends.

    Although he never seemed very devout, he would still refuse to talk about anything related to the religion that wasn't study for the meetings, and was very upset when I posted my DA letter (I did it more as a symbolic thing, not because I had to, and I wanted to make sure I didn't get home visits by elders). While I was at home he would look over my shoulder when I was on the computer to make sure I wasn't looking at apostate sites and wasn't chatting to my work friends about him. He wouldn't let my worldly work friends in the house, and if they dropped me off from work, or picked me up (I didn't have a car and car pooled sometimes) we had to talk outside and he refused to meet them.

    We weren't close anyway, not sure there was ever love there (I married young dutifully to get some independence from my parents), so eventually after our problems escalated and he refused to go to counselling with me or on his own to try and talk about our different beliefs and how we could make it work together, I left him.

    It was too hard for me to try and make it work if he wouldn't also try and make it work from his side. He didn't want the divorce, and made the property settlement as difficult as he could (we had a house that we both owned). But he didn't want to be with me either as an 'apostate'. So I feel that I had no choice but to leave, and all things considered since, it was by far the best decision I could have made for myself.

  • Crazyguy

    If your marriage is about to bust then why not go for the throat so to speak. Bring out all the child molestation issues and show him the documents, nothing from an apostate web site but from other sources. then show him sweet little scriptures that he will not be able to deny.

    Like John 20:25 where it says nails showing Jesus was killed on a cross not a stake. Or even Rev. Chapter 20 were it does not say anything about a new scrolls being opened. Show him in the Greek interlinear Rev. 5:10, there its doesn't say they will be Kings and that they will be on the earth. Then back up to verse 9 have him read then flip over to Rev.7:9 have him read this and see that it the great crowd that's being talked about not just the 144.

    Ask him how the bible is apostate? Or is it really his religion? Ask him what his understanding of the good news of the kingdom is? Then show him 1Corth. chapter 15 and Galatians chapter 1 where it states that Jesus , is the good news, Not a government or anything else the JW's say.....

  • hoser

    It seems that the harder that a person goes opposite of their spouse the harder they push back.

    That is how it is with my wife. I quit cold turkey with meetings a few years ago for a bit and my wife all of a sudden had "friends " from the congregation to encourage her and she got all religious on me.

    I went back to some of the meetings and didn't push my beliefs on her and she wasn't as religious. I have slowly been fading and she is slowing down too.

    So my advice is to take it slowly if you can deal with the bullshit and he might slow down in the religion too.

  • Listener

    "He said he did not marry me to be signed up to an apostate"

    Yes he did and it's part of his scriptural obligation. He probably said this out of anger but it must leave you with guilt feelings when you should have none. You signed up to a religion that you did not fully understand, that doesn't make you guilty.

    I am very careful not to speak negatively about the witnesses beliefs to him and support him in still wanting to be a witness. I can live with him being a witness. I don't know if he can handle me celebrating holidays and openly hanging out with apostates.

    Others with experience will have more insight about this but I guess now it all comes down to respect for each other. Celebrating a birthday in your home would be very hurtful. Whether you would tell him that you were going to a Birthday party or not is a personal decision but in marriage being honest is probably the best approach.

  • karter

    Welcome look forward to hearing more from you.

    I was in the same situation as you and as long as i didn't say anything bad about the J.W's thing were Ok between my wife and i.

    However i stared saying a few things then got very vocal after i'd done some research online and that was the end of our marriage.

    Best thing to happen to me as i'm totally free of all things J.W and made some TRUE friends who don't judge me on how much field service i do or how i comment at meetings ect.

    If you want your marriage to stay intact i suggest no matter how hard it is say nothing bad about the J.W's even if it is true.


  • berrygerry
    He's a really good man and has been a really good husband. He has treated me very well and I love him dearly and I was tempted to stay in for his sake but as you know that bell cannot be unrung. Once you know the truth about the truth there is no going back.

    I am living in limbo. My husband and I are spending time together again and he does not nag me about going in field service or to meetings. I attended the memorial but that is it. I skipped out on the convention and hubby said nothing to me. I don't know how long this can go on and I am very surprised the elders have left me alone.

    I play Neil Sedaka's song in my head repeatedly: "Waking Up Is Hard to Do" (to the sound of Breaking Up is Hard to Do).

    I woke up like hitting a brick wall, and expected my spouse to do the same.

    Bad move.

    This is my ongoing post.

    All Dubs have been infected with a potent virus that controls their thinking.

    A handful can be cured. Most adults do not want to be cured.



    Being married to someone you love is the best thing that there is in life.

    It took me about a year to rationalize the WT cult, and why I never woke up sooner.

    Show lots of love to your spouse. It will take something to happen to him personally for him to wake up. Be patient.

  • JW GoneBad
    JW GoneBad
    Welcome to this forum atacrossroads. It truly is sad what this religion does to families. I hope everything works out for you and your husband.
  • TheListener

    Atacrossroads welcome to the forum.

    I was a baptized witness for decades and faded away..... My wife is still a witness and we remain married. We had a couple years of rocky relationship while one as finding out TTATT but nothing really really bad. We have kids so staying married, if the household is peaceful and supportive, was important to both of us. She told me early on in my research and eventual fade that she wouldn't leave me. However, I know she feels frustration and disappointment that I am not active any longer.

    Our communication is improving. I am working hard at not being dismissive or angry sounding when she mention the hall or witness stuff. I don't don't talk bad about the wts but the kids and I do holidays and birthdays and I have several disfellowshipped friends. She even goes out with my work friends with me sometimes and we have a nice time. Of course we did that when I was active too.

    I hope there is something helpful in my story. Feel free to PM me if you want.

  • LisaRose

    Welcome, I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. I think your husband is handling it reasonably well, it is a big change and not what he expected, but many have lived with this situation and made it work. You can too if that is what you want.

    Is he willing to discuss your concerns? I know it's probably a touchy subject, but it might help if you both can discuss things in a neutral way. Say that you don't expect him to believe you, but you just want him to understand what your concerns are.

    A few possibilities for discussion:

    If what the Watchtower teaches is the truth it should stand up scrutiny, so why are they afraid to even consider other points of view

    You are expected to go door to door to preach, what if these issues were raised by a householder?

    Shouldn't he be able to know truth from lies? The Watchtower expects people in other religions to question their own faith, why are Jehovah's Witnesses not allowed to do the same?

    The bible even says that we should keep testing as to whether these things are so, so why doesn't the Watchtower allow it?

    The Watchtower makes people afraid to question things, and with good reason, they know a little research will prove they are lying, that's why they teach people to fear apostates, fear questioning things, fear getting disfellowshipped. If they had answers for these issues they could teach people how to refute these so called "apostate lies", yet they don't? Why not? Maybe because they can't?

    It's great that you are going back to school, that is a good way to move on in your life. Congratulations on getting out of the organization while still young enough to do that.

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