Just Get on With Life!

by onacruse 41 Replies latest jw friends

seven006

Craig,
I am in no way trying to burst your bubble but you have not been out of the religion for very long and things are looking pretty good for you right now mostly because of Katie. I remember the many talks we had over the phone right after you left the religion. You were adamant, head strong and completely screwed up all at the same time. I told you several times that within time your thoughts and feelings about the religion you were raised in would change. You fought me big time on doctrinal issues and whether it was the truth, part of the truth or just in a period of god doing a little house cleaning.
I know things about your past and know a few of the people from it. I remember telling you to come to this board a year ago and you did not want to do that. I also remember telling you that you are the kind of guy who needs a woman in your life and that you should look at finding another girlfriend or at least have a few drinks and get laid someday. You came back with the good old JW thinking saying you did not want to have sex unless you were married. I'm still laughing at that one.
What I am trying to say here my friend is you feel great right now. You have a new lady in your life and you are feeling on top of the world. What I told you a year ago has come to pass. Now I am telling you something new in regard to your progression. Don't for one-second think you have this all licked and you have simply "gotten over it." You have not my friend. As with any exJW who was raised from childhood in this cult you have so many things hardwired in your mind you simply have not recognized it yet. You are in a period of bliss and for now that is covering up some of the things that will slowly creep back into your mind and your life.
Black and white thinking, fear of rejection, fear of things ending, low self esteem and several others. Katie is great for you and you are great for her but believe me when I say you two being together right now is only temporarily masking those things that you have not completely dealt with because you are ignoring them right now. Working together on moving on with life and learning to be honest with yourselves will help both of you conquer these things better than if you were trying on your own. But you will still have to conquer them once they rear their ugly heads again. And they will.
You may think you have gotten over it. Once you have a few run ins with your old psychological hardwiring and you begin to realize that, you can give me a call. We can work on them together. I have been out for almost 19 years now and I still find things caused by my exJW upbringing that creep up in my life that I thought I have dealt with. You never completely get over a life long mindset and controlled response. Sometimes the best you can do is try and get them under control. You may say I am wrong just as you did a year ago. Think back to that time Craig and see where you are today.
I'm here for you buddy. It scares me a little to see you think that you have gotten over it. The thinking in that direction is positive and needed, but it is far from the absolute truth. Non of us will completely get over it all. It has been too much a part of our lives and always will be. Understanding that and accepting it is a big part of eventually dealing with it.
Take care buddy,
Dave
Edited by - seven006 on 7 December 2002 13:56:46
Edited by - seven006 on 7 December 2002 13:59:51
Reborn2002

((((Dave))) and (((Craig & Katie))))
animal

I guess one major difference between me and others is the fact that I dont care who is still a JW, family or not. Being the a**hole that I am, I can shun my shunners as good as anyone, without a second thought. I see it as thier choice, not mine.
People today, not just here but everywhere, have become so used to hearing what they want to hear rather than hearing an honest opinion. When someone like me answers with an honest opinion, they will get offended most times. I cant control this, other than not answering. Generally, most learn not to ask me anything, which is cool.
As for running up against the hardwired teachings, I have had 30 years to short out those wires....
Keep on keepin on, Ona.
Animal
onacruse

Heya there Dave! Hmmmm, did you tape record our conversations? LOL Actually, that I have so much a faded memory of how I thought and talked even a few months ago is, I feel, a sign of the distance I've come. Yes, the road goes on, and I've brought along a couple pair of shoes.
As far as "get over it," how does one measure such a thing? What state of mind and emotion does a person have to reach in order to say "Ah, I'm finally over it"? My opinion---sometimes we prolong our agony by expecting perfection (another aspect of JW conditioning that I no longer share). Sure, there may, and I dare say WILL, be times when something triggers a strong emotion. Does that mean that one has not recovered? Do we need a prefrontal lobotomy in order to "get over it"?
Another question: Who said how long it "must" take to get over something like being a JW? In the 6 months I've been on this board I've seen quite a few that have been here only a year or two and apparently are asymptomatic. Each person progresses at their own pace and depth, eh?
And yes, having Katie in my life is a big part of my happiness. But I was deep into recovery before I met her, and as a result made very deliberate decisions that led to us being together, decisions that I could NEVER have made if I was still enmeshed in borg thinking. And since we've been together, I've made many more such decisions, without hesitation or regret. IMO, we are sharing our happiness, both of us in a recovered state. And here for each other to iron out the little wrinkles that will show up along the way.
Craig
seven006

Animal,
How are you shorting them out?
Dave
bikerchic

See below
Edited by - bikerchic on 7 December 2002 16:27:49
bikerchic

Hehe...the formatting got messed up!
Edited by - bikerchic on 7 December 2002 16:30:2
bikerchic

Wow such great introspection by everyone. We are truely a community of hurt, wounded people who are not only growing at our own pace but in turn helping others while helping ourselves grow and get on with life. No it's not easy and yes there will be those times when we are feeling at one with our world as best as we know it and then suddenly outa nowhere something pulls the rug right out from under us and again that spiral down to the abyss of self pity comes along to slap us down again and this is where we find our real growth. This is where we are made to see that the crap we've exercised from our JW life or whatever has made us stronger and we don't sink quite so low, this time......and every time after that gets further and further away and the pain is less and less and we are not going deeper into the abyss but are slowly healing, less wounded and more sure of recovery from all the painful past. That is when we truely get on with it, with life and it becomes meaningful, joyful and you can truely experience happiness without the guilt!
I'm reminded of a story I read sometime ago that I will pass on:
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.....it's a habit.....but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It's my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
~~~Portia Nelson~~~
Yes Craig and I are getting on with our lives and we are enjoying sharing our recovering issues with each other and with others. It helps to have someone who genuinely cares and who is there for you when the going gets tough, we feel very lucky to have found each other! We feel very lucky to have this forum to help us explore our feelings further as well.
(((((((Animal, Dede, Robyn, Cheryl, Dave, Jason,Vivimus, Scarlet, RT, larc, ugg, hippikon, Guest77, freedom96, Blondie, Mystla, JH, Sunshine Too, brummie))))))) group hug!
You guys rock!! Keep on keeping on!
Katie
animal

Dave,
I spent most of my years from 1972 thru 1993 with absolute bitterness and hate for not only my mom and her husband, but for the JW's. This drove many of my actions, or reactions, to things in life. Most of those reactions ended up badly, for me and others.
After a few drunken motorcycle wrecks, the courts decided it was time for a change. Little did I know that by changing my partying habits, I would also "short out" the wires from past teachings.
The deal quoted above, about walking into holes in the sidewalk, was also taught to me early on in my meetings with a therapy lady about codependence. It showed me very clearly how things happen, and how I can control them... or not. How many times have we complained about having a hangover, or having over ate... as if it was someone elses fault? Everything we do is in our own control, like it or not. Anyone with the ability to turn on a computer, log into this site, and digest the contents also has the ability to take total control of their own actions, and thus their lives.
So, the short answer to "How am I shorting them out" is by totally controling my actions and thoughts. Learn, adjust, and move on.
Animal
seven006

Craig,
It is no surprise that you do not remember many of our conversations. That was back in your heavy drinking days. I had those myself, I know what you are saying.
No, you don't need a lobotomy but if you ever decide you want one I have a sharp knife and have always wanted to crack into someone's skull to see what was in there. I am not and will never say I have all the answers. No one does. I am just saying what I am saying based on my own experience with this issue. I at one time told people to simply "get over it." I don't do that anymore. Take it for what you want or leave it if you don't need it. As far as how to measure such a thing as "getting over it," I think that will not be absolutely known until we completely forget how it all started. If you can forget that then I think you can completely get over it. Anyone who posts on this board and discusses these issues has done neither.
Yes, people progress at their own speed and recover according to the best of their ability. There is no set amount of time that is considered standard or normal. If you think you are over it, that is half the battle. I have just never heard of a battle that ended simply because those fighting it thought it was over and went home to play with the wife and kids. Getting over it for most people isn't that easy.
Craig, I envy you for what you have. Both you and Katie have given a lot of people on this board some hope and we feel a lot better sharing the happiness you both have with us here. I am not trying to take a single thing away from that. I am just saying that because of you and Katie being so happy doesn't mean that happiness has made you completely "get over it" or that feeling the way you feel "right now" and saying that will help anyone else simply "get over it." Take Katie away, forget that you ever met her and do you think you would feel how you feel right now and still tell people to "get over it."
You have a huge heart pal, that I do know from our many conversations. I do not say what I say to you to bring you down or try to take anything away from what you have. I am just thinking of others on this board who are trying to get over it but have not lucked out into finding a mate with similar thoughts and issues to help with that or have the ability to get some professional help so that they can simply learn to deal with this whole mess. Share your love and share your happiness with us all, we need it and we love it. Please, think about what you have and think about how you might feel if you didn't have it as many on this board do not.
I have done the same thing, said the same thing and experienced your exact way of thinking. Several times.
I am in no way discrediting or diminishing your feeling of happiness. You sound so much better than you did a year ago. I just know that by telling people to get over it because you are now happy is not going to help them do that. It is something to look forward to, it is something to have hope for, but just saying it doesn't work. It takes a lot of work, a lot of self examination and a lot of admitting things we may not want or like to admit. You are lucky. You found Katie and she found you. Not everyone who is trying to deal with this issue has that luxury.
You have come a long way. As you said, you are in recovery. You are not and may not ever be completely recovered. Getting "over it" is one thing. Continuing to "deal with it" is another.
Take care,
Dave

Just Get on With Life!

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