Are You Influenced By Looks?

by jack2 42 Replies latest jw friends

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  jack2

  Very interesting replies!!

  Mary -

  Geeze, do I sound like a frigging whiner, or what????

  No, not at all. Your comments are meaningful and much appreciated!

  I always enjoy Stossel's reporting too. He seems to tackle some very interesting issues.

  The replies thus far have been fascinating!

  As for me, I am one also who would like to think that looks don't influence me, but they do. In some ways it's subtle, like the time my wife said she noticed that I would wave a pretty girl through a stop sign with a nice smile on my face. I was not even aware of it, but I guess it was true.

  In the program, along the lines of the quote provided by cellmould (thanks cell!), it was mentioned and demonstrated with CAT scans that the brain does indeed respond to that which appears attractive. A certain center in the brain becomes active, and it's the same area that is stimulated by other things that people find exciting. So it appears that we are 'wired' to react to looks to some degree.
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  wasasister

  Interesting so far, and I must agree with something COMF said: highly attractive people often do become used to having things their way without much effort. They are far more likely not to have developed interesting personalities, in my experience at least.

  However, something yet to be discussed so far is the dynamic of the internet on such perception. So many of us now get to know people first from written communication, sometimes followed by voice only, only later to meet in person. By the time we actually DO meet, our opinion of the other person is well-established and our physical observation is tainted.

  Has the internet affected how we "see" people? How many of you have formed relationships with people through the internet you would not otherwise have given a second glance to if you passed on the street??

  I'm guessing there are many juicy stories out there.
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  larc

  Mary, I am sorry for what you have through and how you feel about yourself. I wish I had a magic wand, and could make your negative thoughts go away, but, of course, I can't. My heart goes out to you. I remember when you first came here and you wrote some really good stuff. Take care, sister.
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  tyydyy

  Mary,

  You're not dumb for not thinking you're not bad lookin' !

  TimB
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  abbagail

  COMF: LOL! How Sweet the emoticon! and then

  Everything GrannyLinda said is all true, of course. If we only can remember to apply it.

  I never thought about girls picking friends who were less attractive than themselves. I would have to say I had a mixture of both good lookers and some not-so. Though I remember hearing Bill Maher discuss this on Politically Incorrect. He said women are the worst catty b**** when it comes to things like this, but I do not consider myself part of that category, of course.

  As far as really really really GOOD looking men, the kind you might see as a model in a magazine... well, I would be reluctant of them due to the reasons described that ego can get in the way if you are tooooo good looking. (Example: 25 years ago while livig out West, there was this really good looking blond-haired, blue-eyed guy who asked me out. We barely lasted a month because we really had nothing in common. He explained, "The reason I asked you out is because you are the first person I ever met whose teeth were as white as mine." LOL! Seems he was kinda stuck on himself, think???

  Then again, I've also heard, as was stated, that good lookers intimidate prospective partners who give up even before trying, thinking they don't have a chance. The husband of my older JW friends (during my JW years) used to say this to me. Somehow I always thought it was one of those Old Wives' Tales, and used as a way to console a singler sister who still wasn't married yet. What do you think fellas? Are you guys REALLY intimidated by a good looking woman to the point you wouldn't even TRY to ask her out? Is it an Old Wives Tale or not?

  And Mary, I can so relate to the self-esteem issue, and trouble accepting compliments. My first awareness of this was when I was 14 and dating a 17 year old guy. He got so mad at me one time because, as he said, when he would compliment me I would deny it was true, blah blah. Guys really do hate when a girl does that. It's like we are saying they are liars, that we do not trust their opinion, or that they do not know what they are talking about. Current male friend is still reminding me of the same thing when I dismiss his compliments as not being true. He will say, "Let me be your mirror. Let me be your eyes as to how you see yourself." (or something sweet like that). It takes a lot of practice, and at different periods in my life I actually learned how to do it quite well, with grace and dare I say, charm? (during times when I was feeling better about myself). Finally I was able to be AWARE of that deep gut URGE to refute the compliment. When I became aware of that immediate gut URGE, I would stop myself cold, and FORCE myself to sweetly reply, "Well, THANK you!" That's what we have to train ourselves to do. When we receive a compliment, don't analyze it or compare it to how you feel about yourself, your hair, your thighs, or whatever. Just hold all those negative emotions BACK, and muster up as cheerful a voice as you can, and say, "THANK You!" or "Why, THANK You!" (put the emphasis on "THANK"). Try it a few times and see. It won't be easy to Fight The Urge to Refute. So, practice with a friend maybe, or the therapist and let us know if it helps any.

  And re: the weight thing, I had a best friend who definitely was aware and said she had done the same thing, i.e., allowed herself to gain 100 pounds in order that no man would look at her again. This was after she had been extremely hurt after a seven year relationship, and she was fed up with men, couldn't trust them, etc. Prior to that she was a hot little Momma in the spike heels, a stewardess for an airline that did short gambling trips to the Bahamas. She still dresses like a million dollars now, with the nails and the gold jewerly, but she is heavy and says she is happy to stay that way. She said if she ever lost all the weight, she knows she would be right back OUT THERE, getting involved with men, and she just can't take the risk of the hurt. Sad, but true. So, Mary! You are not alone, and "Whiners" ARE WELCOME. I didn't look at your post as whining. I took it for what it is, HONESTY, which I admire sooooo much. It takes GUTS to be that honest, which is of far more value that anything else, imo.

  I forget what else I wanted to comment on. Duh!

  Grits

  Edited to add double-double spacing!

  Edited by - Grits on 25 August 2002 22:23:29
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  abbagail

  Sorry about the long post above where the spacing between paragraphs is not showing up! I do not know why this keeps happening! (I'm going to double space in this one!)

  I remembered what else I liked about Mary's comment (had to go back and look):

  While I tend to havea good sense of humour and can talk to just about anyone, I'm not good at flirting with men or "playing the game", which is yet another reason why I've never married. Being attractive is sort of like winning the lottery: if you know how to handle it in the right way, you've got it made......if you don't know how to use it to your advantage, you end up screwing yourself.

  WOW! What an excellent right-on description. That brought back lots of memories as well. So true what you say there Mary. Playing the Game I always hated and actually never even tried. I had a best friend for years when we were younger, living out West together. She told me how when we were in junior high school, she was always so jealous of me. I was completely shocked, because this girl was extremely self-confident, and had guys bowing down at her feet. She had her own businesses and made gobs of money, and eventually married a rich guy. They have homes in several ski resorts, etc. She always could get the guys, yet I was "supposed" to be the better looking of the two of us. She definitely knew how to "flirt" and "play the game." And it definitely worked for her! Even though I would watch and try to learn from her, it was never the "real me" nor in my heart to "play the game," as I honestly felt I really did not understand HOW to do it, and it seemed "phoney" to me when I tried to do so.

  Ditto on the ADD as well!

  Grits
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  Solace

  Mary,

  Thanks so much for bringing this up.

  I love to give compliments and gifts but have always felt very uncomfortable accepting them. I think it does have alot to do with being insecure, modest or just plain embarrassed.

  Grits, I liked that comment of Marys also. There is a fine line between confidence and cockyness.
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  COMF

  Here are some standard responses I use for replying to compliments. Very occasionally I do get compliments on my looks, but most often it's on my skills--drumming, programming, conversation, something like that. Sometimes I agree, and sometimes, as in the case of looks, I personally do not think I measure up to what the person is saying. so here's what I say:

  • Well, thank you!
  • I appreciate you saying so.
  • It's nice of you to say so.
  • It's good of you to notice.
  • You think so? Cool, thanks!
  • (Tongue in cheek, with a twinkly eye) You're too kind, too kind.
  • (In the case of good job performance) Teamwork, man. Just doin' my part, but thanks for noticing.
  • (If I personally don't agree with the assessment) I'm so glad to know you think so!

  And, when I'm with someone who has a good sense of humor:

  "You did an outstanding job on that, dude."
  "Man, I'm glad somebody besides me knows that." (spoken with a straight face and a twinkle in my eye)
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  myself

  As a childhood "ugly duckling" a grew up with low self esteem. My first marraige didn't help that situation either (tons if emotional abuse) When I got myself out of that situation I was finally able to assess the person that I was, and I learned to like me! Not in a selfish way but in a way that allows me to know that life is good. If your self worth is low others usually see you that way too. Because of the ugly duckling childhood I have empathy for people that I may not have learned otherwise, so I feel that I am not influenced by looks, the inner person is much more important.
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  jack2

  myself, that is the bottom line - as you said, it's what's on the inside that counts.

  One note with regard to shortness of men - conversely, I happen to prefer shorter women. Tall women have always intimidated me to some degree. Well, all women intimidate me to some degree I guess. Plus, a shorter woman (5'6 or less) seems easier to hug. My wife is 5'3, and when we hug, we just fit together perfectly.

  On the program, one women said that she always dreamed of "gazing up into a man's eyes" thus her preference for a taller guy.

  As far as giving compliments goes, at work I see lots of women every day. I have found that by keeping my compliments to a minimum, they carry far more meaning. It's very interesting to read here how some women feel about receiving compliments!