On The Art Of Fading

by expatbrit 110 Replies latest jw friends

  • Imbue

    Thanks Expatbrit! Excellent post!

  • blacksheep

    Excellent post. Just to reinforce your comments about maintaining a happy, healthy demeanor around JWs: don't underestimate the importance of this. My experience is that JWs generally revel at the problems of non-JWs, ESPECIALLY those who leave. If you give every indication of doing well, they cannot use this card.

    A few years back my JW sister even commented, almost in amazement "you're doing so well!" No, since leaving the JWs I didn't become a druggie, a prostitute, a satan worshiper, whatever other horrific profile they'd like to paint leavers of the "truth". She expressed a genuine surprise. One that I hope she thinks about (but am not holding my breath...)

    My experience and observation is that they will use ANY opportunity to leverage any bad that happens to you. Obviously, bad things happen to almost everyone, but it's the attitude toward them that's important. Any bitterness and/or regret you show will just be exploited by them.

  • blacksheep

    Another thing, Expatbrit. As I read your post, I cannot help but be amazed by the level of self-awareness and profound philosophic reality you've embraced. As a fellow ex-JW survivor, it touches me to see others who have emerged from the JW hell with a great deal of character and healthy perspectives to share with others.

  • Flip

    Fading ... "... And when you're gone, stay gone." - Pulp Fiction

    Ex, I've used most of the tecniques you've outlined to a high degree of success, but I can't help but think the WT Society would also prefer questioning Jehovah's Witnesses (incongruous term) follow your advice.

    Less disruptive to the Societies continuation of its own corporate 'system of things'.

  • Double Edge
    Double Edge

    Great post. I've never been a Dub, but after reading this, I feel like joining just so I can fade away.

  • alfie

    Thanks for the post Expatbrit.

    The situation in which my wife and I found ourselves in likewise needed a subtle method of "uninvolvement",as we were(still are) well known in our community.My wife started first by gradually missing meetings due to ill health;read depression;followed by frequent visits to our daughter and son in law who lived some distance away and who had already stopped going to meetings.This worked well as many knew of her poor health.

    I had planned for months as to reasons I had to resign my "priveleges" as an elder citing caring for my wife as a primary reason, along with the heavy workload invoved as WT conductor, BS conductor and my work on the building committee. I gradually relieved myself of those burdens and eventually was deleted as a servant,don't you just love that term"deleted". Not long after that I switched to an evening shift at work which effectively assisted in missing the BS,KMS&Service Meeting, and because the shift included weekends, I had to leave IMMEDIATELY after the WT study with no time to chit-chat.

    While we were doing all this, we likewise were planning a move to another area of the city, completely out of our old circuit.When we finally moved, I alone went to the PT&WT for a couple of months so as not to arouse suspicions, but never socialized with anyone. The elders called a couple of times but then just stopped, and thus far we've not heard a thing. Our friends from our old hall have never called, which is fine with us. Occasionally I run into people I know, but we never seem to talk long which is also fine.

    Anyway, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Thanks again



  • The Alchemist
    The Alchemist

    I've got this one saved. Thanks for the well thought out post. My JW ex-wife drives by 2 -3 times a week at 2 and 3 in the morning to where I stay to check to see if there is a cute little sports car parked next to my truck. This has been going on for 2 and a half years. I figured she has driven 22,750 miles so far in her qwest to get me DF'd. So if their out to get you, you can run but you can not hide. Dave

  • Reborn2002

    By far one of the best posts I have read on this website in quite some time.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us expatbrit.

    I am certain while still a member of the Jehovah's Witness organization, you gave fantastic talks.

  • Perry

    I was struck by the coherence of your post. Thank you. We've seen many effective ways of leaving by platform announcement, DA'ing, and doctrine/policy questioning. It occured to me that there is an art to fading though. Many will benefit from your post on how to go about it.

    Of course, everyone is different and has different objectives. I respect the one who ethically tries to make a statement to those he/she leaves behind as much as I do a successful fade.

    A real keeper of a post.

  • Navigator

    Expatbrit-Great Post! After seeing the trauma her older brothers and sisters went through when they left, my youngest daughter used many of the techniques you suggested. As a result, she has a much better relationship with her full time Pioneer mother and can actually sit at the same dinner table with her, a privilege not accorded her dF'd brothers and sisters. Fading definitely has advantages when you want to maintain some sort of relationship with family who stay in. I maintain my relationship with my wife by declaring certain subjects off limits. Since I was never formally a witness, we are able to socialize with her witness friends and my non-witness friends.

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